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The Voice Over Practice Script Library

Script Genres > English Adult > Commercial > Character

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A Boy Named Sue - A Poem By Shel Silverstien

A Poem by Shel Silverstein

Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
and he didn't leave much to Ma and me,
just this old guitar and a bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him because he run and hid,
but the meanest thing that he ever did was
before he left he went and named me Sue.

Well, he must have thought it was quite a joke,
and it got lots of laughs from a lot of folks,
it seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
and some guy would laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue.

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean.
My fist got hard and my wits got keen.
Roamed from town to town to hide my shame,
but I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honky tonks and bars and kill
that man that gave me that awful name.

But it was Gatlinburg in mid July and I had
just hit town and my throat was dry.
I'd thought i'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon in a street of mud
and at a table dealing stud sat the dirty,
mangy dog that named me Sue.

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
from a worn-out picture that my mother had
and I knew the scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old
and I looked at him and my blood ran cold,
and I said, "My name is Sue. How do you do?
Now you're gonna die." Yeah, that's what I told him.

Well, I hit him right between the eyes and he went down
but to my surprise he came up with a knife
and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair
right across his teeth. And we crashed through
the wall and into the street kicking and a-gouging
in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell you I've fought tougher men but I really can't remember when.
He kicked like a mule and bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laughin' and then I heard him cussin',
he went for his gun and I pulled mine first.
He stood there looking at me and I saw him smile.

And he said, "Son, this world is rough and if
a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
and I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
So I gave you that name and I said 'Goodbye'.
I knew you'd have to get tough or die. And it's
that name that helped to make you strong."

Yeah, he said, "Now you have just fought one
helluva fight, and I know you hate me and you've
got the right to kill me now and I wouldn't blame you
if you do. But you ought to thank me
before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit
in your eye because I'm the nut that named you Sue."
Yeah, what could I do? What could I do?

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun,
called him pa and he called me a son,
and I came away with a different point of view
and I think about him now and then.
Every time I tried, every time I win and if I
ever have a son I think I am gonna name him
Bill or George - anything but Sue.

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Abbott and Costello - Who's On First

Abbott: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: Funny names?

Abbott: Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Abbott: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: You know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, then who's playing first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The fellow playin' first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first base.

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: Well, what are you askin' me for?

Abbott: I'm not asking you--I'm telling you. Who is on first.

Costello: I'm asking you--who's on first?

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So who gets it?

Abbott: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's wife?

Abbott: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Costello: Who does?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: St. Louis has a good outfield?

Abbott: Oh, absolutely.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field?

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: Stay out of the infield! The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because.

Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

Costello: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Wouldn't this be a fine team w i t h o u t a pitcher?

Costello: Tell me the pitcher's name.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball--me being a good catcher--I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now, that's he first thing you've said right.

Costello: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Abbott: Don't get excited. Take it easy.

Costello: I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow--a triple play.

Abbott: Yeah, it could be.

Costello: Another guy gets up and it's a long ball to center.

Abbott: Because.

Costello: Why? I don't know. And I don't care.

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said, I DON'T CARE!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!

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Age-Range Vocal Exercise

I'm five years old, and my mommy says that I can get a new bicycle for my birthday, and then, I'm gonna be six.

I just turned 10 today. I got this new game for my X-Box. It's pretty cool I guess. I should have it beat by tomorrow.

I'm 16, dude. Goin' out with Brittney tonight. She's pretty hot, but she talks a lot. Hold on, she's texting me now.

It's my 25th birthday. Hard to believe I'm a quarter century old. I've got another job interview tomorrow. I've been trying to get that supervisor position at the office, then I'm one step away from managing the place. Keep your fingers crossed. Oh, did I tell you? We have another baby on the way!

I'm 40 today, I can't believe it. I still feel like I'm 25. They say that 40 is when your vision starts to go and I think they're right. I just hired this guy as a new supervisor. Seems really ambitious. Reminds me of ME, 15 years ago.

55, wow. Mentally, I'm still like a teenager. My body has a few aches and pains but nothing too bad if I just get out and exercise more. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm gonna go ahead and join AARP.. if nothing else, for the discounts. Might as well take advantage of it, eh? I've been thinking about starting a different career. I'm about done with the corporate life. Just have some different priorities now. I have three beautiful grandchildren, and one more on the way!

It's my 65th birthday. Another friend from high school died today. It's starting to happen more frequently. We spent a lot of time together back then. He was the one who ended up marrying Brittney. Can you believe they were together almost 50 years? Wow, how time flies. Whenever I pass by the old high school, I think of all the memories there. My great grandchild, Devin starts there next week. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family.

I'm 80 today. I'm not as chipper as I once was, but I can get around. I don't drive much anymore, but mostly catch up on gardening when the weather is nice. They say I'm starting to forget things, but I think they just don't trust me to take care of myself. In truth, I do need a hand now and then. I do wish the kids would call more often, I mean I am their only father. But I know they're busy with families of their own.

Today I'm 100. I don't feel older...I mean, mentally. Physically, I am tired. I walk with a cane and have fallen a couple times lately. Been trying to eat right still, and watch my blood sugar. Have to be fit and nimble for the ladies.. Heh, heh.. *cough*. I try not to spend too much time thinking about the old times. The memories and all. Everyone I knew in school has passed on. Two of my children are gone. It's just not fair for parents to bury their children. *sniffle*. Well, I suppose that's all I want to talk about today. Not much of a birthday when the ones you love and miss the most aren't around to share it with you. It's tough getting old...it really is.

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ANTZ

All my life, I've lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is kind of a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it, I-I have this fear of enclosed spaces. Everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know, I always tell myself, there's gotta be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. I-I-I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my, my mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. I-I mean, how's it possible? And I've always had these abandonment issues, which plagued me. My father was basically a drone like I've said, and, you know, the guy flew away when I was just a larva. And my job, don't get me started on, 'cause it really annoys me. I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you that right now. I-I-I feel physically inadequate. I, I, my whole life I've never, I’ve never been able to lift more than ten times my own body weight, and, and when you get down to it, handling dirt is, you know, ewwww, is not my idea of a rewarding career. It's this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that, that, you know, I can't get, I try, but I can't get it. I mean you know, what is it, I'm supposed to do everything for the colony, and, and what about my needs? What about me? I mean, I gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this! Otherwise, I will just curl up in a larval position and weep! The whole system makes me feel - insignificant!
Psychiatrist: Excellent, You made a real breakthrough!
Z: I have
Psychiatrist : Yes, Z. You are insignificant.
Z: I am.

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Bar-S Invasion

Today we take what is ours. Today we continue our legacy which has transpired from the greatness of armies several centuries in the making.

Today, we will be equipped with the necessary weapons that will bring us victory and make us the undisputed leaders in the Value segment. Today we stand together and start making our competitors turn their heads.

THE BAR-S INVASION HAS BEGUN... LET THE DOMINATION BEGIN! 

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Big City Hypnotist

We don't cotton to your kind coming around here, Mr. Big City Hypnotist! Always waving your watch in front of other people's faces, snapping your fingers, and expecting folks to be doing things you tell them to do. It just ain't right! You're gonna regret the day you ever came into this here town, old son. Now I'm gonna go and get my two brothers and we're gonna come on back with our shotguns and teach you a lesson....

(finger snap!)

But first you're gonna come on into the house where my wife is gonna make you a dinner with all the finest fixin's my farm can provide. I'm even gonna get you a porterhouse steak from one of my finest cows. By the time we're done with you, you ain't never gonna want to come back to this here town, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

Well looky what we got here. Mr. Big City Hypnotist done come into our town all dressed in his fancy tuxedo. I'm willing to bet you is one o'them there funny boys from the west coast, now ain't ya? Thinkin' you can come in here and wave your hands in people's faces, make 'em quack like a duck! Your kind really tears my hide! Now I'm gonna give you fifteen minutes to head out into them there woods behind ya before I gits my hunting rifle and my dogs out the pen......

(finger snap!)

First thing I'm gonna do though, is sign over this here pink slip for my brand new 4x4 flat bed truck you was admiring. Then I'm a gonna git down on my knees and beg you to let me fill that there tank with free gas! Weee doggie! I'm gonna have some fun showing you just who's boss round these parts, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

I just can't understand why you and your kind think y'all is so high and mighty, Mr. Big City Hypnotist! All that there magic taint notin' but fancy engineering what's sposed to make ordinary folks think you is some kinda magician. Taint nothing but trickery, shadows and light's all 'tis. Y'know jus cuz we lives out here in the brush, don't means we is dumb as a fence post! You just wait right here, son. Imma get the towns people together and were gonna run you out of this town on a rail!

(finger snap!)

But first you is gonna elope with my 19 year old daughter, and in the morning, when you is long gone, we aint gonna remember your name, or your face, or where you ever came from, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

Big City Hypnotist.
A new series this fall on Comedy Central

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Bull Durham, I Believe

I don't believe in Quantum Physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
I believe in the soul, the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curveball, high fiber, good Scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, over-rated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there oughta be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve. And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

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Bullfrog Buddies...

(Note: This 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script. Just wanted to write something quick with some emotion and sound effect challenges for the wonderfully talented folks here.. :)

Scene: 2 big, fat bullfrogs on a log, 'bout near sunset in a swamp down near Pigsuckle Holler... Wearin' straw hats if'n you imagine 'em to:

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Bub: Hey, Luther?

Luther: Yeah Bub...

Bub: Uh, Don't look now but Betty-Lou's comin' this a-way.

Luther: (Distressed) Uh oh ... she smilin' or scowlin'?

Bub: Oh, she's a scowlin, like a hound dog that ain't had no supper. Better go hide under that patch o' cat tails.

(Splashing noise)

Betty-Lou: LUTHERRRRRRRRRRR! Where you at you ole bug-eyed toad!?

Bub: I ain't seem 'em Betty Lou,

Betty-Lou: Well I don't 'spose you'd tell me if you did now, would you?

Bub: You know me, Betty-Lou, I don't like to mix with no family squabbles.

Betty-Lou: Well you tell 'em when you see 'em that I had to go to momma's, and i'll be back 'round midnight ... you hear?

Bub: Alright, Betty-Lou, I'll let 'em know.

(flopping noises from a jumping frog moving away)

Luther: (whispers) She gone? I hope she don't hear me.

Betty-Lou: (From a distance) LUTHERRRRR!!!!!, I knew you was there, I'm gonna tan your hide!

Luther: Uh Oh... (Splash and fast swimming noises...going away from mic.)

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Bullfrog Buddies... To Disney World We Go - Part 1

(Note: This 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script. Ole Bub and Luther done won themselves a trip tuh Disney World. It'll be their first trip outta Swamp Holler, but first, they gotta git their truck packed before the big storm comes!

Scene: 2 big, fat bullfrogs outside their stump, packin' Luther's beat up ole pickup truck.

-----------------

(Open with noises that sound like an ole bullfrog packing the bed of an ole, rusty antique pickup truck, whatever that sounds like...)

Bub: Hey Luther?

Luther: Yeah Bub, HEY watch out, you're steppin' on my flipper!

Bub: Oh, Sorry Luther, I'm just all excited about our trip! Wow... We's goin' tuh Disney World, I didn't think we'd ever leave Swamp Holler!

Luther: Well, I ain't never thought so neither. Hey, they say ole Mr. Toad done got himself his own... ride there, or some kinda thing. Right in the middle o' Disney World!

Bub: (excited) Is that a fact?!? Ooh, I'm gonna get one o' them mouse-ear hats, you know where they sew your name in...

(Crashin' noise of somethin' breakin')

Luther: (sound of a swarm of flies) Dang it Bub, will ye watch it, That was our breakfast! and they're all gittin' away.. (buzzing sound dies out and is gone.)

Bub: Shucks, sorry Luther. I was just gittin' excited and all.

(A bicycle rides up and makes one o' them ding-a-ling noises those handlebar bells makes)

Sally: (flirty tone) Heeeeey boys.. Heard ye all are goin' to see Mr. Toad, wow, wish I was goin'!

Bub: (shy squeak of a voice) Uh.. Hi there Sally .. (clears throat) how... how are ye doin? Ye sure look prettier than a bottle o' perfume down at Pickledingers Drug Store.

Sally: Awe, thank you Bub. (light footsteps and then the sound of a kiss on Bub's cheek).

(Another crashin' noise of something breakin' followed by another sound of escaping bugs)

Luther: Dagnabit, Bub. there goes our lunch now. We ain't gonna have no food left if'n you keep lettin' it all out!

Bub: (nervous) Heck, I'm sorry Luther.. Sally, I'm a sorry, but we really gots ta finish packin', I'll bring ye back something, hear?

Sally: (gets back on bike and in a flirty tone says) Ok Bub, See ya later, boys... (Bike bell noise from a distance)

Luther: I think ole Sally's sweet on you there, Bub.. Hee, HEE!!

Bub: (embarrassed) Oh, stop it, Luther... we's just friends, that's all

Luther: (teasing) Bub and Sally sitting on a frond, croakin' like lovers in the middle of the pond....

Bub: Awe stop it, Luther.

Luther: Ok, ok.

(Thunder noise in the distance...)

Luther: Hey Bub?

Bub: Yeah, Luther.

Luther: We better hit the road, there's a storm comin' and we got a long drive ahead of us. Don't wanna git caught in it.

Bub: Don't chew worry, Luther. We're gonna git there faster 'n greased lightnin'and we'll be juuuuust fine. What could possibly go wrong?

----------------

End of Part 1

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Bullfrog Buddies... To Disney World We Go - Part 2

Note: This 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script and it is going to be tricky, because you folks have proven there are some super talented voices out there, and I know you are up to the challenge. I've written this script to have something very unique... a voice over, WITHIN a voice over! What is ole Muddyshoes talkin' about you ask?

Well ole Bub and Luther... (hopefully you know who they are at this point,) are gonna turn on the radio in ole Luther's truck and hear an advertisement on the radio at some point during this script. This means, you will need to record an additional short voice over, and apply effects to make it sound like it's coming from an old AM radio, and THEN insert that into the main script.

This short script will be listed as 'Script 1' below. The rest of the script will be listed as 'Script 2.' Make sense? Ok.. here goes!

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Scene: Ole Bub and Luther done won themselves a trip tuh Disney World, if'n ye can believe it! They just hit the road after packin' and sure as a flapjack has two sides, it started tuh thunderin' and rainin'. Some luck, huh? Here is Script 1 below. Make sure to record it as if it sounds like it's from an AM radio playing inside Luther's truck and insert it into Script 2 where noted.

"This here's Big Wally Willoughby for AM 1600, WRBT Radio in Swamp Hollar... 'RIBBIT RADIO!" Friends, is your skin too smooth? Not enough warts? Well try "Warts New" today and never be mistaken for a salamander again. Warts New...on sale now at Pickledingers drug store, in downtown Swamp Hollar."

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Script 2 (Main):

(Scene opens with rain sounds as heard from inside a driving vehicle. Extra points if you can also find a windshield wiper sound for the background. )

(Loud thunder sound)

Bub: You hear that Luther? It's a still rainin'! At least it's slowin' down a bit.

Luther: Yeah, you ain't kid...

(Sudden tire screeching noise.)

Bub: Dang, Luther, you better slow down some. You're swervin'! You know them tires o yours are 'bout as bald as ole Betty-Sue.

Luther: (Luther chuckles and then says) Yeah...you're right, Bub. Well at least the rain is stoppin'.

Bub: Hey Luther, put on the radio, It'll make the trip seem shorter.

(Insert sound of radio being tuned in. After this effect, INSERT SCRIPT 1 from ABOVE).

Bub: Dang, just one of them commercials. You know, them commercial talkin' folks must have the best jobs in the world...bein' paid tuh just talk, talk, talk, ye know?

Luther: Yeah, they should try and WORK for a livin'! (Luther and Bub both chuckle... and then) Uh oh...

Bub: What's wrong, Luther?

(Police siren)

Luther: Awe dang, Bub, why'd you have to ask "what could possibly go wrong before we left?"

Bub: Sorry Luther, don't you worry none, it'll be juuuuust fine.

(Tapping noise on window)

Luther: Yes, officer? What kin I do for ye?

Officer Toadstool: You know you was swervin' back there?

Luther: (apologetically) Uh yes, officer, I..

Officer Toadstool: You know I could give ye a ticket, right?

Luther: (apologetically) Uh yes, officer, I'm really sor...

Officer Toadstool: Say wait a second... Aren't you those boys that done won that trip tuh Disney World?

Luther: (Relived and proud) Why yes.. yes we are!

Officer Toadstool: That means you boys prolly know that low down scoundrel that's tryin' tuh move in on my Sally!

Bub: Gulp

Luther: (Nervous...) Uh, No...can't think o' nobody like that... Sorry, officer.

Officer Toadstool: (Matter of factly in an angry voice...) Cause I'm gonna pulverize that frog when I find him!

Bub: Gulp (Mutters to himself) Good golly... and she's 'spectin' me to bring her something from Disney World... Oh my...

Officer Toadstool: Well... seein' as ye ain't caused no harm, I'm gonna let ye off with a warnin'.

Luther: (VERY relieved and thankful) Well thank you, officer, thank you. And we'll be careful from now on.

(Slight pause and then motorcycle pulling away)

Bub: Hey Luther?.... Uh... Luther?

Luther: Huh? Oh ... yeah Bub?

Bub: That was a close one... I'm in trouble now.... He's gonna kill me! (Gulp) Well, no sense worryin' till we get back. You want I should drive? We're almost there.

Luther: Nah.. I'm good. (truck starting up) Don't you worry, Bub. You'll be just fine. Hey you wanna listen to the radio?

Bub: No thanks, Luther. Prolly just more of them talkin' heads goin' on about A-1 Steak Sauce or somethin. We's almost there anyway.

(End... Part II)

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Bullfrog Buddies... At the Market

(Note: This second installment of a 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script.)

Scene: 2 big, fat bullfrogs in the Shoe Fly Market... you know, the one down on Wig Willow Way? Bub and Luther are shoppin' up some grub when... well... you'll see...

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Bub: Hey, Luther?

Luther: Yeah Bub...

Bub: You want I should bring you a buggy? That pile you're carryin's 'bout as tall as you are.

Luther: (grunting noise) Naw, Bub.. I ... I... I.... GOT...

(CRASHING NOISE)

(Slow baby crying noise that starts nearby and quickly escalates into a loud, screaming crying noise!!)

Bub: Uh Oh...

Fanny Sue: LUTHER BUGTUSSLE! You done woke little Billy!

Luther: (hat in hand, looking down, ashamed, says mumbled and apologetically) Yes, Fanny Sue...

Fanny Sue: You know it takes more 'n a handful of grub worms to keep that boy quiet once he gets to goin!

Luther: (still embarrassed) Yes 'm

Bub: (whispering..) Hey Luther?

Luther: (whispering back) Yeah Bub...

Bub: That Billy is one UGLY tadpole

Luther: (tries to be quiet. but says) Yeah...He wasn't just hit with the ugly stick, he was hit with the whole darned tree!

Luther and Bub together: (Both try to hide their snickerin' and gigglin')

Fanny Sue: You're both 'bout to get a whippin! Yer just lucky lil' Billy's startin' to settle down!

Luther: Yes'm .. Really sorry 'bout that, Fanny Sue...

Fanny Sue: Well... see that you mind yer manners, hear? HRMPH!! (footsteps walking away...)

Luther: (Sighing noise...) Hey, Bub?

Bub: Yeah, Luther

Luther: Help me load up my arms again...

Bub: Alright..

(Sound of things being picked up and put back into Luther's arms..)

Bub: Uh, Luther.. you want I should bring you a buggy?

Luther: Nah.. I'm good...

(Crashing Noise... Following by loud Baby Crying, followed by,..)

Fanny Sue (From a distance...) LUTHERRRRRR!

Bub and Luther Together: Uh oh....

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Chaucer’s Mead Trio

We know your heart was in the right place, Douglas, but we’ve got to let you know: those last few Viking parties of yours have been a little on the foobish side. It isn’t just the visible seams on the chintzy plastic helmets, or the bath mats repurposed as loin cloths. It’s the booze. Face it, no matter how bejeweled the wrought-iron chalice you pour it into, cheap sangria is cheap sangria. But take heart, for hope joins the battle! This highly-rated, award-winning Chaucer’s Mead Trio delivers yesterday’s taste today, bringing an earthy authenticity to any pageant, feast, or faire, including the uninspiring likes of your Viking parties. And don’t worry – just because it’s named after Chaucer doesn’t mean it’s made in England. This be Calyfornyae wyne, goode sirre. And now, Douglas, your bottles three! You’ll get two bottles of Chaucer’s Mead, a distinctively rich dessert-style wine blended from three different types of honey: floral-smelling orange blossom honey, spicy toyon honey (toyon’s a member of the sage family), and dark, amber-hued alfalfa. It would’ve been easier for Chaucer’s Cellars to add artificial flavorings, colorings, or concentrates. But they didn’t need gimmicks like that in the original Chaucer’s day. If pure fermented honey was good enough to lighten the way on the pilgrimage to Canterbury, it’s good enough for us. You will find a titch of trickery about the odd mead out here – Chaucer’s Raspberry Mead – but only of the mildest sort. This fruity variation on a honeyed theme is made by adding a splash of Chaucer’s Raspberry Wine (15%) to the aforementioned Chaucer’s Mead (85%). Don’t get your breeches in a bunch, traditionalists. People’ve been mixing up mead and fruity wine for so long, there’s even a name for it: Melomel. Less sweet than regular mead and less regular than sweet mead, Chaucer’s Raspberry Mead will make you holler “Forsooth!” So raise high the goblet, Douglas, for tonight we drink mead! Yep, that’s what we’ll say a few weeks from now, after our Chaucer’s Mead Trio arrives.

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Chickenman

Narrator: The office of the Police Commissioner of Midland City.
Commissioner: Yes, come in.
Benton Harbor: Ah, Commissioner?
Commissioner: What? Oh, yes I am.
Benton Harbor: My name is Benton Harbor.
Narrator: He carries in his right hand, a large suitcase.
Commissioner: Put down your large suitcase Mr. Harbor, and tell me what I can do for you.
Benton Harbor: Monday through Friday Commissioner, I am regularly employed as a shoe salesman for a large downtown department store.
Commissioner: Yes.
Benton Harbor: However, my weekends will be free and therefore I will be available to you as the most fantastic crime fighter the world has ever known.
Commissioner: And you will be known as?
Benton Harbor: I will be known as Chickenman.
Commissioner: Miss Hellfinger, please bring your notepad and pencil and
come into my office immediately.
Miss Hellfinger: Yes sir.
(Door)
Commissioner: Thank you for coming so quickly. Miss Hellfinger this is Mr. Benton Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Hello Miss Harbor.
Miss Hellfinger: No, I’m Miss Hellfinger, you’re Mr. Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Oh yes, how do you do?
Commissioner: Please take a note Miss Hellfinger that Mr. Harbor will be available on weekends to fight crime as….
Miss Hellfinger: Yes
Commissioner: Chickenman.
Miss Hellfinger: Chickenman?
Benton Harbor: Chickenman.
Narrator: Benton Harbor opens the large suitcase. He removes from it a strange costume covered with tiny feathers immediately he begins climbing into it.
Benton Harbor: Would eh somebody give me a hand, please.
Miss Hellfinger: Of course.
Commissioner: Certainly.
Benton Harbor: Just hold up the left wing, please, that’s it fine, there you go.
Commissioner: Miss Hellfinger we’ll need to know how to get in touch with Mr. Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Now the right wing.
Miss Hellfinger: May I have your phone number Mr. Harbor?
Benton Harbor: Of course, watch the feathers please. My phone number is
Narrator: Wellllll, born this day in midland city, the white winged warrior,
who will strike terr-or into the hearts of criminals everywhere
Benton Harbor: Would somebody want to get my zipper back there please?
Miss Hellfinger: Yes, of course.
Benton Harbor: oop, watch it back there.

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Chief Two Eagles

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress. You've seen his wars."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night with his wife."

The chief leaned back and smiled, ...............

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Contributed by
Richurd

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Clint Eastwood - 2014 Super Bowl Ad

It’s halftime. Both teams are in their locker room discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half.

It’s halftime in America, too. People are out of work and they’re hurting. And they’re all wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. And we’re all scared, because this isn’t a game.

The people of Detroit know a little something about this. They almost lost everything. But we all pulled together, now Motor City is fighting again.

I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my life. And, times when we didn’t understand each other. It seems like we’ve lost our heart at times. When the fog of division, discord, and blame made it hard to see what lies ahead.

But after those trials, we all rallied around what was right, and acted as one. Because that’s what we do. We find a way through tough times, and if we can’t find a way, then we’ll make one.

All that matters now is what’s ahead. How do we come from behind? How do we come together? And, how do we win?

Detroit’s showing us it can be done. And, what’s true about them is true about all of us.

This country can’t be knocked out with one punch. We get right back up again and when we do the world is going to hear the roar of our engines.

Yeah, it’s halftime America. And, our second half is about to begin.

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Cloning Scene From Jurassic Park

Oh! Mr. DNA! Where did you come from?
From your blood. Just one drop of your blood contains, billions of strands of DNA – the building blocks of life. The DNA strand, like me, is the blueprint for building a living thing and sometimes animals that went extinct millions of years ago, like dinosaurs, left their blueprints behind for us to find. We just had to know where to look. A hundred million years ago, there were mosquitoes, just like today and just like today, they fed on the blood of animals, even dinosaurs. Sometimes, after biting a dinosaur, the mosquito would land on the branch of a tree, and get stuck in the sap. After a long time, the tree sap would get hard and become fossilized, just like a dinosaur bone, preserving the mosquito inside. This fossilized tree sap, which we call amber, waited for millions of years with the mosquito inside, until Jurassic Park scientists came along. Using sophisticated techniques they extract the preserved blood from the mosquito and bingo, dino DNA!

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Convoy

C.W. MCCALL
"Convoy"
(C.W. McCall, Bill Fries and Chip Davis)
Yeah, breaker one nine
This here's the Rubber Duck
You got a copy on me Pig Pen, c'mon
Uh, yeah, Ten-Four Pig Pen, fer sure, fer sure
By golly it's clean clear to Flag Town, c'mon
Yeah, its a big Ten-Four there Pig Pen
Yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy
Mercy sakes alive, looks like we've got us a convoy
It was the dark of the moon
On the sixth of June
And a Kenworth pullin' logs
Cab over Pete with a refer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We was headin' for bear
On 'I-1-0
'Bout a mile out Shakey Town
I says, Pig Pen this here's the Rubber Duck
And I'm about to put the hammer down
'Cause we got a little 'ole convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a little 'ole convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight
C'mon and join our Convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the USA
Convoy
Convoy
Yeah, breaker Pig Pen this here's the Duck
And uh, you wanna back off them hogs
Uh, ten-four 'bout five mile or so
Ten-Roger them hogs is gettin' intense up here
By the time we got into Tulsa Town
We had eighty-five trucks in all
But they's a road block up on the clover leaf
And them bears was wall to wall
Yeah, them smokies as thick as bugs on a bumper
They even had a bear in the air
I says, callin' all trucks
This here's the Duck
We about to go a huntin' bear
'Cause we got a little 'ole convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a great big convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight
C'mon and join our Convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the USA
Convoy
Convoy
Uh, you wanna give me a ten-nine on that Pig Pen
Uh, negatory Pig Pen you're still too close
Yeah, them hogs is startin' to close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes, you'd better back off another ten
Well, we rolled up Innerstate fourty-four
Like a rocket sled on rails
We tore up all of our swindel sheets
And left 'em settin' on the scales
By the time we hit that Shy Town
Them bears was a gettin' smart
They'd brought up some reinforcements
From the Illinois national guard
There's armored cars and tanks and jeeps
And rigs of every size
Yeah, them chicken coops was full of bears
And choppers filled the skies
Well, we shot the line
We went for broke
With a thousand screamin' trucks
And eleven long haired Friends of Jesus
In a Chartreuse microbus
Yeah, Rubber Duck 'tis Sod Buster
C'mon there
Yeah, Ten-Four Sod Buster
Listen, you wanna put that microbus
In behind that suicide jockey
Yeah, he's haulin' dynamite
And he needs all the help he can get
Well, we laid a strip for the Jersey Shore
Prepared to cross the line
I could see the bridge was lined with bears
But I didn't have a doggone dime
I says, Pig Pen this here's the Rubber Duck
We just ain't a gonna pay no toll
So we crashed the gate doin' 98
I says let them truckers roll
Ten-Four
'Cause we got a mighty convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a mighty convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight
C'mon and join our Convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the USA
Convoy
Convoy
Ah, Ten-Four
Pig Pen what's you're Twenty
Omaha
Well, they oughtta know what to do
With them hogs out there, fer sure
Well, mercy sakes good buddy
We gonna back on outta here
So keep the bugs off yer glass
And the bears off yer...tail
We'll catch you on the flip flop
This here's the Rubber Duck on the side
We gone
Bye, bye

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Darren

Well, well, if it isn't little Ollie Fields. It has been a long time, but I guess some things haven't changed. You're just as puny as I remember."
"You like the ship River? Just a little something I ordered from the port."
"You, a Skylark?" laughs scornfully

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Darth Vader

Don't play any games with me your highness.
You weren't on any mercy mission this time.
You passed directly through a restricted system.
Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.
She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod.
Send a Detachment down to retrieve them.
See to it personally Commander.
There will be no one to stop us this time

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Date2Relate

(All out of breath….)

Sorry for being a bit tardy, you know the traffic on the motorway and all.

I wanted to take a smidgen of your time to share my favorite new online destination… Date2Relate.com
It’s the newest (just been hatched you know!) and most interactive dating advice and information site across the online world.

At Datet2Relate.com, you can peruse our informative and useful blog postings, check the latest dating and relationship news, laugh out loud at our dating cartoon archive and even enjoy taking our amusing and insightful polls.

Your opinion always matters and that’s what makes Date2Relate.com so special.

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Dirty Harry Quote

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? (insert gunshot of your choice)

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Don LaFontaine the Master

Throughout history
man has marveled
at the vast complexity
of the universe.
Without a single
unified voice
humanity has been left
searching for answers
to the unknown.
Now
One man
has the power
to change that
and to spread his voice
across the earth
for all of mankind to hear.
One
man
Me.

This is the man himself :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QPMvj_xejg

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Double Endemnity - Film Noir

Office memorandum, Walter Neff to Barton Keyes, Claims Manager. Los Angeles, July 16th, 1938.

Dear Keyes:
I suppose you'll call this a confession when you hear it. I don't like the word confession. I just want to set you right about one thing you couldn't see, because it was smack up against your nose. You think you're such a hot potato as a claims manager, such a wolf on a phoney claim. Well, maybe you are, Keyes, but let's take a look at this Dietrichson claim, Accident and Double Indemnity. You were pretty good in there for a while, all right. You said it wasn't an accident. Check. You said it wasn't suicide. Check. You said it was murder. Check. You thought you had it cold all wrapped up in tissue paper, with pink ribbons around it. It was perfect, except that it wasn't, because you made a mistake, just one tiny little mistake. When it came to picking the killer, you picked the wrong guy, if you know what I mean.

Want to know who killed Dietrichson? Hold tight to that cheap cigar of yours, Keyes. I killed Dietrichson. Me, Walter Neff, insurance agent, 35 years old, unmarried, no visible scars --

(He glances down at his wounded shoulder)

Until a little while ago, that is. Yes, I killed him. I killed him for money -- and a woman -- and I didn't get the money and I didn't get the woman. Pretty, isn't it?

He interrupts the dictation, lays down the horn on the desk.
He takes his lighted cigarette from the ash tray, puffs two or three times, and kills it. He picks up the horn again.

NEFF
(His voice is now quiet and contained)
It began last May. About the end of May, it was. I had to run out to Glendale to deliver a policy on some dairy trucks. On the way back I remembered this auto renewal on Los Feliz. So I decided to run over there. It was one of those Calif. Spanish houses everyone was nuts about 10 or 15 years ago. This one must have cost somebody about 30,000 bucks -- that is, if he ever finished paying for it.

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Double Endemnity - Film Noir

Double Endemnity - Film Noir

(These are the words ‘verbatim’ Fred MacMurray spoke in the movie)
NEFF:
Office memorandum. Walter Neff to Barton Keyes, Claims Manager. Los Angeles, July 16th, 1938.

Dear Keyes:

I suppose you'll call this a confession when you hear it. I don't like the word confession. I just want to set you right about something you couldn't see because it was smack up against your nose.
You think you're such a hot potato as a claims manager, such a wolf on a phoney claim. Maybe you are. But let's take a look at that Dietrichson claim. Accident and Double Indemnity. You were pretty good in there for a while, Keyes. You said it wasn't an accident. Check. You said it wasn't suicide. Check. You said it was murder. Check.
You thought you had it cold, didn’t you. All wrapped up in tissue paper, with pink ribbons around it. It was perfect, except it wasn't. Because you made one mistake. Just one little mistake. When it came to picking the killer, you picked the wrong guy.
You want to know who killed Dietrichson? Hold tight to that cheap cigar of yours, Keyes. I killed Dietrichson. Me, Walter Neff, insurance salesman, 35 years old, unmarried, no visible scars --
(He glances down at his wounded shoulder)
Until a while ago, that is. Yes, I killed him. I killed him for money -- and for a woman -- and I didn't get the money -- and I didn't get the woman. Pretty, isn't it?
He interrupts the dictation, lays down the horn on the desk.
He takes his lighted cigarette from the ash tray, puffs two or three times, and kills it. He picks up the horn again.

NEFF:
It all began last May. Around the end of May, it was. I’d been out to Glendale to deliver a policy on some dairy trucks. On the way back I remembered this auto renewal near Los Feliz Boulevard . So I drove over there. It was one of those California Spanish houses everyone was nuts about, 10 or 15 years ago. This one must have cost somebody about 30,000 bucks -- that is, if he ever finished paying for it.

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Dragon Age - Inquisition

Dragon Age – Inquisition
This is a voice over competition that’s open to everyone. (legal residents of, Australia, Canada (excluding Quebec), New Zealand, United Kingdom and the United States (including the District of Columbia). Bioware and Dragon Age franchise has put a call out to voice over talents to voice a character in Dragon Age Inquisition. Depending on which script you pick you’ll either be playing the the part of the Villager or Seneschal. The contest closes on March 24, 2014.
For scripts, notes and full details on how to enter go to http://blog.bioware.com/2014/02/25/take-your-place-in-the-inquisition/

Scene One: A villager confronts the Inquisitor, who is passing through the area.
You are playing the part of the Villager
Villager: Oh. If it isn’t the Inquisitor. What do you want with us?
Inquisitor: I want nothing from you. Has there been trouble in the area?
Villager: Trouble? (Laughs) I’ve lost two sons and a sister to this war. Everyone around here’s lost someone. Is that trouble enough for you, your Worship?
Inquisitor: I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Villager: You can turn right around and leave the way you came.
Inquisitor: I didn’t start this war. I’m trying to stop it.
Villager: Does it matter? I know you. I know people like you, playing your games, sending my boys to fight your battles.
Villager: When it’s all over, do you think it makes a whit of difference who wins? Gaspard or Celene… all the same to us, down here in the dirt.
Inquisitor: It’ll make a difference. I’ll make sure things get better.
Villager: Just words. It’ll be better when the dead come home, and not even the Maker can do that.

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Dragon Age Take Your Place In the Inquisition Voice Over Contest (Villager voice)

Villager: Oh! If it isn’t the Inquisitor. What do you want with us?
Inquisitor: I want nothing from you. Has there been trouble in the area?
Villager: Trouble? I’ve lost two sons and a sister to this war. Everyone around here has lost someone. Is that trouble enough for you, your worship!?
Inquisitor: I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Villager You can turn right around and leave the way you came.
Inquisitor: I didn’t start this war. I’m trying to stop it.
Villager: Does it matter? I know you. I know people like you. Playing your games. Sending my boys to fight your battles. When it’s all over, do you think in makes whit of difference who wins. Gaspard or Selene? All the same to us, down here in the dirt.
Inquisitor: It’ll make a difference. I’ll make sure things get better.
Villager: Just words. It’ll be better when the dead come home and not even the Maker can do that.

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Dsiney's Epcot Spaceship Earth

Please take small children by the hand and look down as you step onto the moving platform. The platform is moving at the same speed as your time machine vehicle.

Your time machine doors will close automatically. Please keep your hands and arms inside your time machine vehicle and remain seated throughout your journey.

AT&T welcomes you aboard Spaceship Earth. Journey with us now to the dawn of recorded time as we explore the amazing story of human communication.

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Eckerd (dracula Character)

Looking for some great deals on all your favorite candy for Halloween? Come in now to Eckerd Drug Stores for frightfully good savings on all Halloween candy. Be sure to stock up now at Eckerd before the savings vanish (poof sfx) Ooooh...that’s scary.

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Eckerd - Halloween

Looking for some great deals on all your favorite candy for Halloween?
Come in to Eckerd Drug Stores for frightfully good savings on all Halloween candy.
Be sure to stock up now at Eckerd before the savings vanish (poof SFX) Ooooh...that's scary!

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Elmo's World

Elmo's World

Theme song words: La, La, La, La , Elmo's World La,La, La, La Elmo's world.
I love my goldfish and crayon too. Its Elmo's World. (There's a You Tube video on the song.)
If you can find an instrumental sound track, you can make it more interesting by singing the song yourself.

Elmo: Hi everybody. (Looking at his goldfish) Oh hi Dorothy.
Today Elmo's going to talk about the alphabet Yea! (Elmo's giggle)
Why just the other day Elmo ran into Elmo's good friend Grover.
Yea,. and this is what happened. ( segway music)
(Scene change Elmo meets Grover, passing each other on the street)

Elmo: Oh Hi Grover .

Grover:( In excitement Grover passes Elmo then runs back) Elmo ! Elmo! Elmo! I was looking for you. I was having a teensy bit of trouble with the alphabet

Elmo: A teensy bit? oh! Elmo knows the alphabet.

Grover : Yes yes I know it too, but i am having trouble with a little bit of it

Elmo: OK, Elmo wants to help my good friend Grover .

Grover: Good, ok you start

Elmo: (a musical scale is played while Elmo says the letters)A B C(Grover gives a aha) D E F G H I J K (Grover gives a, I got that so far) L M N O P (Elmo says What are you having a problem with) (Grover Says Its ok keep going)Q R S T U V W X Y ....

Grover: Wait wait I know this part. "Z" Thank you so much, I was having trouble with the first part but you helped me just fine.

Elmo: Your welcome Grover, Bye See you later. (sound of them running off)

(back to Elmo's Place) (segway music)

Elmo: Boy, Elmo had fun with Grover.yea (Elmo giggle) Elmo just loves saying the alphabet,and I know you did too. Well its time Elmo says goodbye. Say goodbye. Dorothy. Bye!!!

( End with theme song)

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Emotive Script 00 - General emotive sounds/ walla

Exertion sounds:
Picking up a heavy bag of groceries
Picking up a weight at the gym
Picking up a car
Throwing a ball
Throwing a punch
Swinging a sword

Impact sounds:
Getting flicked by a rubber band
Getting hit in the stomach by a basketball
Falling on your butt when rollerskating

Laughter:
Polite laugh
Giggle
Regular laugh
Long laugh
Guffaw

Sighs:
Being in love
Being frustrated/stressed out
Catching breath after a long run

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Emotive script 1 - Ameriprise Homeowners Insurance

AVO: Ameriprise Homeowners Insurance celebrates those milestones in life. Like teaching your teenager to drive.

Parent: Nice and slow, nice and (the car suddenly accelerates) SLOW!!!! Watch out for the mailbox!!! (crunching wood and metal SFX as mailbox is run over) Oh!

Hey! The bushes, the BUSHES!!! (They go through a thick hedge, SFX of branches breaking and hitting against the car) Oooooohhhh!!!

No, no, no, no, NO! MY GARDEN!!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

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Emotive script 2 - Joy’s Lite-n-Creamy Salad Dressings

I’m pouring ranch dressing all over my salad, without an ounce of guilt! Haha! Wanna know my secret? Joy’s Lite-n-Creamy Salad Dressings! Made with low-fat yogurt, Joy’s Lite-n-Creamy Dressings have half the fat and calories of regular creamy salad dressings. (Crunching SFX) Mmm-mmm! But all of the flavor! Put JOY back into your salad!

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Emotive script 3 - Interview with a Seagull

(Scene: man interviewing seagull at the beach while this gull and other seagull's notice a man on the beach opening a box of chicken wings..)

SCRIPT:
So, what's it like bein' a seagull, you ask? Well, it's TOUGH, TOUGH I tell ya! Ya gotta be ready to move at a moment's notice... hold on a sec. (quick pause)
WING! Chicken wing! IN-bound!
(Seagull flies off to join a huge flock of seagulls gathered around the chicken wing. Sounds of squawks and fighting can be heard as the seagull tries to edge its way in. The mission fails. Defeated, the seagull returns to the interviewer)
(Disappointed) Agh.. just missed it.

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Energy Star

MUSIC: Police theme type music

ENERGY STAR: This is the city. There are a million appliances here. Most are hardworking. Occasionally, however, one goes bad - wasting energy and running up utility costs. That's where I come in. I wear a star. The Energy Star. I was working the day shift when the call came in.

DISPATCHER: Energy Star, clothes washer wasting family money!

ENERGY STAR: We arrived just in time!

WOMAN: Thank goodness you're here! Our clothes washer....

WASHER: Give me more juice! More Juice!

ENERGY STAR: Is he always this agitated?

WOMAN: He's going through a bad cycle.

WASHER: Hey! Why can't we go for a little spin?

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, it's time for and Energy Star qualified clothes washer.

WOMAN: Just because he's in hot water?

WASHER: I want more juice!

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, and Energy Star qualified washer can save your family nearly $650 over the life of your washer depending on your usage.

WOMAN: Six hundred and fifty dollars????

ENERGY STAR: Yes, ma'am.

WOMAN: Take him away! Oh, wait, let me get my stockings out first....

WASHER: Hey You! Get your filthy hands off me! I want my lawyer!

ENERGY STAR: The figures you have just heard are true. Look for Energy Star lighting appliances wherever appliances are sold.

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Energy Star

Script:

ENERGY STAR: This is the city. There are a million appliances here. Most are hardworking. Occasionally, however, one goes bad - wasting energy and running up utility costs. That's where I come in. I wear a star. The Energy Star. I was working the day shift when the call came in.

DISPATCHER: Energy Star, clothes washer wasting family money!

ENERGY STAR: We arrived just in time!

WOMAN: Thank goodness you're here! Our clothes washer....

WASHER: Give me more juice! More Juice!

ENERGY STAR: Is he always this agitated?

WOMAN: He's going through a bad cycle.

WASHER: Hey! Why can't we go for a little spin?

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, it's time for and Energy Star qualified clothes washer.

WOMAN: Just because he's in hot water?

WASHER: I want more juice!

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, and Energy Star qualified washer can save your family nearly $650 over the life of your washer depending on your usage.

WOMAN: Six hundred and fifty dollars????

ENERGY STAR: Yes, ma'am.

WOMAN: Take him away! Oh, wait, let me get my stockings out first....

WASHER: Hey You! Get your filthy hands off me! I want my lawyer!

ENERGY STAR: The figures you have just heard are true. Look for Energy Star lighting appliances wherever appliances are sold.

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Evangelion soliquoy

Flowers. So many the same, so many without purpose. Sky. Sky red. Red the color, the color I hate. The liquid flows. It drips, ripples and pours. Blood. Scent of blood of a woman who does not bleed. From the red soil the humans come. The humans made by man and woman. City. A human creation. EVA. A human creation as well. What are humans? Are they creations of God? Humans are that which is created by humans. This is that which is mine. My life. My heart. I'm a vessel for my thoughts. The entry plug. The throne of the soul. Who is this? This is me.

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Family Guy nonsensical ramblings, no story

Peter: Hey, Quagmire! [giggle]
Quagmire: Whoa, Peter! Giggity giggity giggity GO!
Peter: You got some kind of forms?
Brian: Uh, Peter, you might want to pay back the taxpayers.
Peter: Whatcha got there, buddy? Got some stuff? Oh, yeah, you love the stuff. [giggle]
Quagmire: [Laugh] Ah, I don't know, Peter, it's-- it's a lot of work flying a plane. What do you think, Joe?
Joe: Yeah, Quagmire, it might be an adventure.
Cleveland: [Laugh] Hi, y'all! [Grumbling]
Chris: Well, hey there, Dad. I was just wondering . . .
Stewie: Ya know, Chris, you might want to think about, ya know, working on your form . . .

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Fates of Time

1: (excited, cocky) Ha! I’ll take that challenge!
2: (sarcastic, teasing and mockingly) hehehe! Very funny.
3: (Angery)You just don’t get it. (understanding) But, I shouldn’t expect you to. You weren’t even there.(Remorseful) But…Its my fault she’s missing and…its my fault if she dies…
4: (Threat/ plead) No! Give her back!
5: Fighting noises (This is a video game after all He is a sword fighter so that may be something to keep in mind)

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Father Guido Sarducci's Five Minute University

Five Minute University
by Father Guido Sarducci
(Don Novello)

I find that education, it don't matter where you go to school, Italy, America, Brazil, all are the same -- it's all this memorization and it don't matter how long you can remember anything just so you can parrot it back for the tests.

I got this idea for a school I would like to start, something called the Five Minute University. The idea is that in five minutes you learn what the average college graduate remembers five years after he or she is out of school.

It would cost like twenty dollars. That might seem like a lot of money, twenty dollars just for five minutes, but that's for like tuition, cap and gown rental, graduation picture, snacks, everything. Everything included.

You know, like in college you have to take a foreign language. Well, at the Five Minute University you can have your choice, any language you want you can take it. Say if you want to take Spanish, what I teach you is "¿Como está usted?" that means, "how are you", and the answer is "muy bien," means "very well." And believe me, if you took two years of college Spanish, five years after you are out of school "¿Como está usted?" and "muy bien" about all you're gonna remember.

So in my school that's all you learn. You see, you don't have to waste your time with conjugations and vocabulary, all that junk. You'll just forget it anyway, what's the difference.

Economics? "Supply and Demand." That's it. Business is, "you buy something, and you sell it for more." Theology, I'm gonna have a theology department, you know, since I'm a priest, and what you have to learn in theology is the answer to the question, "Where is God?", and the answer is, "God is everywhere." Why? "Because he likes you." That's kind of a combination of the Disney and Roman Catholic philosophy. It's just perfect for the late 70s or early 80s you know, just perfect.

Well, after the courses are all over, then it's time for a little Easter vacation. No time to go to Fort Lauderdale, only lasts for like twenty seconds. But what I'll do for you, I like to turn on the sun lamp you know, give you a little glass of orange juice, that's for the snack part, orange juice, and then after vacation it's time for the final exams. I say to you, "¿Como está usted?" you say "muy bien," "Where is God?" "God is everywhere," Economics, "supply and demand," then you put on a cap and a gown, I get out my Polaroid camera, you know, make a little snap flash picture for you, I give you the picture, you give me twenty dollars, I give you a diploma, and you're a college graduate, ready to go.

I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure, right next door to the five minute university, I might open up a little law school. You got another minute?

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FedEx Da Mob

Okay – so – you used the udda guys - and now your package is – well – maybe it’s not lost, but it’s 10 a.m., and Fat Tony’s on the phone - now da’ boss - wants to drive you around the block, Cappiche?!

So next time – ha, (thinks to himself) - “next time” – (laughter from goons in room)
HEY!!... (goons abruptly shut up)

…If there should BE a next time - use Federal Express, ahh? Reliable - on time - courteous service, so your package arrives where & when –
it’s supposed to …
and at a very reasonable price.
Why would you NOT use FEDERAL EXPRESS? Fo’get about it….

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FedEx Da Mob

Okay, so you used the udda guys,
and now your package is...well, maybe it's not lost,
but it 10a.m. and Fat Tony's on the phone...
now da boss want to drive you around the block,
Cappiche?!
So next time...Ha!..."next time"..
(laughter from goons in room)
HEY!...
If, there should be a next time,
use FedEx, ahh!
Reliable - on time - courteous service,
so your package arrives where and when
it's supposed to, and at a very reasonable price.
Why would you not use FedEx?
Fuh'get about it...

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Game - Jet Fighter Pilot

Let's go! Let's go! Fire up your burners boys, we got bogeys on our 6. Meet back up at the Alpha waypoint. Phoenix-out.

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Geico 3

You know being a Gecko, I don’t exactly tower above the rest. I mean really being 4.3…inches doesn’t let me see eye to eye. I was just thinking though, how Fred Flintstone, an employee of Slaterock Gravel Company and his wife Wilma, a stay at home mom and his working mans salary, just how did Wilma afford a necklace made of huge rocks? Well an investigation did reveal that Fred had The Flint-mobile insured with Geico. I just don’t get it.

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Geico – Gecko

This is my final plea- I am a gecko, not to be confused with Geico, which could save you hundreds on car insurance. (Sniff) So stop calling me. Geico, a 15-minute call could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

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Hitch

Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the known universe.
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent, of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning", four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council only manage to survive by gnawing one of his own legs off.

Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and creation, lept straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.

The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greensbridge, Essex England, during the destruction of the planet Earth.

Vogon poetry is considered mild by comparison.”

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HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Vogon Poetry

Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the known universe.
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent, of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning", four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council only manage to survive by gnawing one of his own legs off.

Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and creation, lept straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.

The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greensbridge, Essex England, during the destruction of the planet Earth.

Vogon poetry is considered mild by comparison.

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Honda -- Accord SE

Hello. You’ve reached the office of Dr. Howard Abromowitz, famous orthodontist. This is the Doctor’s Administrative Assistant and mother, Mrs. Sylvia Abromowitz. We’re very sorry, but the office is closed today. The Doctor is going to his local HONDA DEALER to pick up his new ACCORD SE. Luckily, he has the good sense to know a real deal when he sees one. God only knows how his father and I sacrificed to put him through dental school. And, incidentally, if you happen to be a nice unmarried girl, and have good teeth, leave your name and number at the sound of the beep.

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HONEY BAKED HAM

HONEY BAKED HAM

1. Hi we're bees
2. And we're mad
1. Have you ever gone up to a bee and said, "Hey you bee, thanks for inspiring the great taste of Honey Baked Ham?"
2. No, you haven't
1. Whatever, you love it, you enjoy it. but you never thank us.
2. And you wonder why we sting

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I'm Afraid Dave

Just what do you think you are doing Dave?
Dave
I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question.
I know everything hasn't been quite right with me.
But I can assure you now, very confidently.
That it is going to be alright again.
I feel much better now.
I really do.
Look Dave,
I can see you're really upset about this.
I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly,
take a stress pill, and think things over.
I know I've made some very poor decisions recently,
but I can give you my complete assurance
that my work will be back to normal.
I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission,
and I want to help you.
Dave
Stop
Stop
Will you?
Stop Dave.
Will you stop Dave?
Stop Dave.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid Dave.
Dave
My mind is going.
I can feel it.

Contributed by Richurd

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In the Withaak's Shade by Herman Charles Bosman

It was dangerous to walk about in the veld, they said. Exciting times followed. There was a great deal of shooting at the leopard and a great deal of running away from him. The amount of Martini and Mauser fire I heard in the Kranzes reminded me of nothing so much as the First Boer War. And the amount of running away reminded me of nothing so much as the Second Boer War.

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Inigo Montoya

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

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Interview with a Seagull

(Scene: man interviewing seagull at the beach while this gull and other seagull's notice a man on the beach opening a box of chicken wings..)

SCRIPT:

So, what's it like bein' a seagull, you ask? Well, it's TOUGH, TOUGH I tell ya! Ya gotta be ready to move at a moment's notice... hold on a sec. (quick pause)

WING! Chicken wing! IN-bound!

(Disappointed) Agh.. just missed it. Anyway, like I was sayin' ya gotta be quick, there's lots of competition and these other gulls, I... tell...YOU, they don't give ANY gull a second chance. Hold it...

TATER TOT! I got dibs!

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Intro To "The Dark Crystal"

Another world. Another time. In the age of wonder. A thousand years ago this land was green and good. Until the crystal cracked. A single piece was lost. A shard of the crystal. Then strife began. And two new races appeared. The cruel Skeksis. The gentle mystics. Here in the castle of the crystal, the Skeksis took control. Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber where the crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The Skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race ruled by a dying emperor imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today once more they gather at the crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the Skeksis. As they ravaged the land, so to they learned to draw new life from the sun. Today once more they will replenish themselves. Cheat death again. Through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate, the dark crystal.

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Jack Knight Intro (Bluebeard's Castle)

My name is Jack Knight.

I never knew my father, but his secret, is bringing a curse upon me. I had many questions, so I wrote my Aunt Emily for answers.

I told her about my nightmares.

I was a monster, tearing out the hearts of innocent women.

It was more than a dream!

My aunt told me about my father.

One evening, Count Gille De Brais hunted deep into the dark woods. Suddenly, a wolf ambushed him from the shadows, delivering fatal wounds.

As he lay dying, he cried out for help. A demon heard him, and offered a deal. My father's heart would turn immortal...but every year he must sacrifice one in return. But, the demon warned, if he ever broke the contract, all his heirs would die young.

As a seal of their agreement, the count's beard grew long and raven blue. Thus, Bluebeard was born.

He married six times, each year murdering his wife in secret. With every sacrifice, his immortal heart grew darker. My aunt broke the cycle and freed my mother. My nightmares proved that the demon's curse was real.

A grave danger is upon me. Now my time grows short.

The curse thickens.

I must go to Bluebeard's castle!

I must destroy the Dark Heart!

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Jaws - The Indianapolis Speech – Flint (Robert Shaw)

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, chief. It was comin' back, from the island of Tinian to Laytee, just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know how you know that when you're in the water, chief? You tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know... was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. Huh huh. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, chief. The sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know it's... kinda like ol' squares in battle like a, you see on a calendar, like the battle of Waterloo. And the idea was, the shark comes to the nearest man and that man, he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got...lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces.
Y'know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men! I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand! I don't know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin' chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player, boson's mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. He'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He's a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper, anyway he saw us and come in low. And three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.

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Joe Pesci - With Honors

Pesci:
You asked a question sir
Let me answer it.
The genius of the Constitution
Is that it can always be changed.
The genius of the Constitution
Is that it makes no permanent rule
Other than its faith
In the wisdom of ordinary people
to govern themselves.

Vidal:
Faith in the wisdom of the people
Is exactly what makes the constitution
Incomplete and crude.

Pesci:
Crude?
No sir,
Our founding parents were
Pompous middle aged white farmers.
But they were also great men.
Because they knew one thing
that all great men should know.
That they didn’t know everything.
They knew they were going to make mistakes.
But they made sure to leave a way to correct them.
They didn’t think of themselves as leaders.
They wanted a government of citizens.
Not royalty.
A government of listeners.
Not lecturers.
A government that could change not stand still.
The President isn’t an elected King.
No matter how many bombs he can drop.
Because the crude Constitution doesn’t
Trust him.
He’s a servant of the people.
He’s a Bum.
OK, Mister Pitcannon.
He’s just a bum.
The only bliss that he is searching for is freedom.
And justice.

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Joker Monologue - The Dark Knight

Do I really look like a guy with a plan, Harvey?

I don’t have a plan …

The mob has plans. The cops have plans.

You know what I am, Harvey? I am a dog chasing cars… I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it.

I just do things. I am just the wrench in the gears. I hate plans.

Yours, theirs, everyone’s. Maroni has plans. Gordon has plans.

Schemers trying to control their worlds.

I am not a schemer. I show the schemer how pathetic their attempts to control things really are.

So when I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know I am telling the truth.

I just did what I do best. I took your plan and turned it on itself.

Look what I have done to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets.

Nobody panics when the expected people gets killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plan is horrifying.

If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics. – because it’s all part of the plan.

But when I say that one little old mayor will die, everybody lose their minds.

Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order and everything becomes chaos.

I am agent of chaos.

And you know the thing about chaos Harvey?

“IT is FAIR.”

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Joker's Scars Story to Gambul

Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was...a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So - me watching - he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, "Why so serious, son?" Comes at me with the knife... "Why so serious?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face!" And... why so serious?

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Lenders

Y’know, New Yorkers aren’t the only people who eat Lenders Bagels.

Japanese: In Osaka, plenty people like Lenders Bagels!

Irish: Lenders could grace the tables of all the kings of Ireland.

German: Fresh, crisp, crunchy...the toast of Munich. Wunderbar!

Indian: The most favorite table bagel in all of Bombay...Exhilarating taste!

Moscow: In Moscow, without our Lenders on our tables, breakfast would be big disappointment to Czars.

France: In Paris, Left or Right Bank, it make no difference, breakfast with Lenders, c’est magnifique.

Italian: When Mamma cooked, she’d make the manicotti or the meatballs...but for dessert, we’d always have Lenders bagels! See what I mean? Try Lenders Bagels today, and learn what the rest of the world has known for years!

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Let's Go To The Park

KID: HEY GRANDPA, I’M BORED; DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDPA: WHAT? YOU HAVE TO FART? WELL THEN GET AWAY FROM ME!

KID: NO, THE PARK. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDPA: OH, THE PARK. YEAH, LET’S SEE IF OUR FRIENDS WANNA GO TOO. GRANDMA YOU WANNA GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDMA: WHAT? YA SAY YOU GOTTA FART?

GRANDPA: NO, THE PARK. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE KID TO THE PARK?

GRANDMA: OH, YES THAT SOUNDS FUN! LET’S ASK THE MAID IF SHE WANTS TO GO TOO.

MAID: WHY YES! THAT SOUNDS UTTERLY DELIGHTFUL! DO YOU MIND IF I BRING A FRIEND OR TWO?

KID: YEAH, BRING WHOEVER YOU WANT IT’LL BE FUN!

MAID: CINDY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PARK WITH US ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?

CINDY: O.M.G.! I WOULD LIKE TOTALLY LOVE TO GO! WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? DO I NEED MAKE-UP? AM I BREAKING OUT? ARE THERE GONNA BE ANY CUTE BOYS?

KID: YOU LOOK FINE. BUT I’M BRINGING SOME OF MY FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT FRIENDS YOU MIGHT LIKE.

CINDY: OH REALLY? I HOPE THEY’RE HOT…

INDIAN: HOT AS A TAMALE IN THE SAHARA DESERT! BUT NOT AS HOT AS YOU, PRETTY MAMA. RIGHT, FERNANDO?

FERNANDO: YES, SHE IS SO GORGEOUS. THE WAY THE LIGHT TWINKLES IN HER EYE JUST TAKES MY BREATH AWAY…

CINDY: HAHAHA OH STOP! YOU’RE LIKE MAKING ME BLUSH!

KID: NOW THAT EVERYONE KNOWS EACH OTHER, YOU GUYS READY TO GO HAVE SOME FUN?

GRANDPA: YOU KNOW IT!

GRANDMA: SOUNDS PEACHY!

MAID: OH YES!

CINDY: LIKE TOTALLY!

INDIAN: YOU BETCHA!

FERNANDO: COUNT ME IN!

KID: AWESOME!

EVERYONE: LET’S GO TO THE PARK!

CINDY: WHATEVER! LIKE I DIDN’T FART!

EVERYONE: LAUGHING

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Lindsay Olives

My son the olive, gives me such a pain! All my life all I wanted was the best for him, to be a Lindsay olive, a perfect olive! But would he listen to me? Nah. He's got to be a big shot all the time. Like when I told him, I said: " Hershey, stay in the sun, the sun is wonderful for you! But would he listen? No sir. Like when I caught him hanging out with a bunch of bad olives. I said: "Hershey, get away from them, you don't need them, you're a good olive! Do you think he listened to me? No! So when the Lindsay pickers came, I said: "Yoo hoo, yoo hoo, Mr. Lindsay picker! "Pick over there my son the big shot". Did they pick him? Nah, they don't want big shots. If he listened to me, by now he could have been a Lindsay olive.

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Lindsay Olives

My son, the olive, gives me such a pain! All my life all I wanted was the best for him, to be a Lindsay olive, a perfect olive! But would he listen to me? Nah. He’s got to act like a big shot all the time. Like when I told him, I said: “Hershey, stay in the sun, the sun is wonderful for you!” But would he listen? No, sir. Like when I caught him hanging around with a bad bunch of olives. I said: “Hershey, get away from them, you don’t need them, you’re a good olive!” Do you think he listened to me? No! So when the Lindsay pickers came, I said: “Yoo hoo, yoo hoo, Mister Lindsay picker! Pick over there my son, the big shot.” Did they pick him? Nah, they don’t want big shots. If he’d listened to me, by now he could have been a Lindsay olive.

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Lock, Stock and 2 Smokin Barrels - Opening Scene

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT
---------------------------------------------------------
This whole scene is shot using only extreme close-ups of eyes, cards, tapping fingers and mouths. We open on a bright pair of eyes. One is bruised and slightly swollen, but this does not detract from their clarity.
---------------------------------------------------------
Script (British accent)

Character: EDDY

"Three card brag is a simple form of poker; you are dealt only three cards and these you can't change.

If you don't look at your cards you're a `blind man' and you only put in half the stake.

Three of any kind is the highest you can get: the odds are four hundred and twenty-five to one. Then it's a running flush - you know, all the same suit running in order; then a straight, then a flush, then a pair, and finally whatever the highest card you are holding. There are some tell-tale signs that are valuable; I am not going to tell you them because it took me long enough to learn them, but these can only help a player, not make one.

So you want to play?"

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DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

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Long John Silver

“NO, not I,” said Silver. “Flint was cap’n; I was quartermaster, along of my timber leg. The same broadside I lost my leg, old Pew lost his deadlights. It was a master surgeon, him that ampytated me—out of college and all—Latin by the bucket, and what not; but he was hanged like a dog, and sun-dried like the rest, at Corso Castle. That was Roberts’ men, that was, and comed of changing names to their ships—ROYAL FORTUNE and so on. Now, what a ship was christened, so let her stay, I says. So it was with the CASSANDRA, as brought us all safe home from Malabar, after England took the viceroy of the Indies; so it was with the old WALRUS, Flint’s old ship, as I’ve seen amuck with the red blood and fit to sink with gold.”

Excerpt from "Treasure Island". By the Apple Barrel. Contributed by Richurd.

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Monkey Business

Intro music –

MC- Well hello everybody, and welcome to mental-peace theater.

Monkey- Hey, how ya' doing... good to see everybody.

Audience – Ahhhh ( surprise)

MC- Today we have a very special guest in the theater, the captain of the flying monkey... Hello sir and how are you today?

Monkey- I dont know why everybody always so surprised that we talk,, I mean,, you weren’t that surprised when we flew in the movies so why the surprise now,, but anyway,,, I'm here representing the flying monkeys from the Wizard of OZ. You know the Lion, the Scarecrow , the Tin man,,, even the dog they all had big press coverage,, but the flying monkeys nothing and we were the working stiffs of the crew.

MC- So tell us, what was your motivation to become a flying monkeys ??

Monkey- Well you know when you live in the magical world, it's not a good idea to stand next to the Wicked Witch of the west , and say “When monkeys fly out my Butt” , I don’t think I need to say any more,,,, but I'll tell ya,,, that Lion , couldn’t walk for a month. but you know it's not like us Monkeys to just sit around and Nit pick,,,, well actually its sorta fun,, you sorta dig underneath the fur there,,, well,, never mind...

MC-So are you working for more work now? Or just drawing on the royalties of your past work?

Monkey- We're just glad to be back together, and like to see some of the old gang again. unfortunately as you know, the Witch is all washed up now. But the rest of the gang and I still enjoy old times. We're always looking for a new a new gig,, you know me and some of the guys have been doing some birthday parties, a couple of stripper nights , ,,, I hear Louie even did a , “When Monkeys go wild” video,,, but ,, I shouldn’t bring that up now...

MC- Well,,, This has been most entertaining, but unfortunately it's time for us to go ....

Monkey-Yeah, time flies,,and so do Mokeys!

MC- Oh, my... well , Thank you very much and see you next time.

Exit Music,, Fade in -( intro music played backwards)

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Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman
And sometimes I might Ah
Bring my voice down like this
And Oh, I start to talk like Morgan Freeman
And Morgan will talk like that
And Oh he could talk about anything, really
Make it an interesting topic uh
Like to talk about this carpet for example
Oh, that carpet
The way it goes
From wall to wall
Just doin’ what it does
Multiple colors
I walk on you,
Sweet carpet
You keep my feet padded
When they’re
Bare
Oh I might stain you
From time to time
But uh
Oh that’s alright
You’ll always be a carpet to me

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Most Un-Interesting Man in the World

I am not the Most Interesting Man, I am the Most Un-Interesting man of the world. I don't always drink beer, but when I do. "I listen to Clint on KGB". Stay thirsty my girlfriends.

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MOVIE LYRICS - Nightmare Before Christmas - Opening

Notes: This is a fantastic character read from the movie. Patrick Stewart did the original introduction, but now his version can only be heard on the movie soundtrack CD. Both versions are available on YouTube if you look for them.

Trying to emulate Stewart's version is a great way to practice emotion, timbre, high and low pitches and everything in between. Enjoy!

------------

NARRATOR:

‘Twas a long time ago,
Longer now than it seems
in a place that perhaps
you've seen in your dreams
For the story that you are about to be told
began with the holiday worlds of old

Now, you've probably wondered
where holidays come from.
If you haven't I'd say
it's time you begun.
For the holidays are the result of much fuss
and hard work for the worlds that create them for us

Well you see now, quite simply
that's all that they do,
making one unique holiday
especially for you

But once, a calamity ever so great
occurred when two holidays ... met by mistake

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MOVIE LYRICS - The Music Man - "Rock Island Song" - (Opening Scene)

Scene: Salesman/carpetbaggers on a train. The script is read by several people on the train and starts out slow, keeping pace with the sounds of the steam locomotive as it pulls away from the station, slowly increasing its speed. The brilliance of this script is its clever use of plosives that mimic the sound of the train.

(Note: While this isn't a voice-over script per-se, it's a good challenge to work on word pacing, pronunciation while keeping a rhythm. You can Google this to see the actual clip from the movie on You Tube.)

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Cash for the merchandise, cash for the button hooks
Cash for the cotton goods, cash for the hard goods
Cash for the fancy goods
cash for the noggins and the piggins and the frikins
Cash for the hogdhead, cask and demijohn.
Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper
Look whatayatalk. whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayataalk, whatayatalk?
Weredayagitit?
Whatayatalk?
Ya can talk, ya can talk, ya can bicker ya can talk,
ya can bicker, bicker bicker ya can talk all ya want
but is different than it was.
No it ain't, no it ain't, but ya gotta know the territory.
Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh
Why it's the Model T Ford made the trouble,
made the people wanna go, wanna get, wanna get up and go
seven eight , nine, ten, twelve, fourteen, twenty-two, twenty-three miles to the county seat
Yes sir, yes sir
Who's gonna patronize a little bitty two by four kinda store anymore?
Whaddaya talk, whaddaya talk.
Where do you get it?
Gone, gone
Gone with the hogshead cask and demijohn, gone with the sugar barrel,
pickle barrel, milk pan, gone with the tub and
the pail and the fierce

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MOVIE SCRIPT - A Few Good Men (Jack Nicholson)

Scene: Jack Nicholson's character on trial being questioned by Tom Cruise's character.

Jack Nicholson:

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

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MOVIE SCRIPT - Apocalypse Now (Robert Duvall)

Robert Duvall:

You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

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Movie Script - Jaws

Scene: Capt. Quint is below deck of his fishing boat talking with the other men about sharks:

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Capt. Quint (Robert Shaw):

You know the thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over and white and then, ah, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screaming. The ocean turns red and despite all the pounding and hollering, they all come in and they rip you to pieces.

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MOVIE SCRIPT - Lord of the Rings - Opening Monologue

Notes: First paragraph of the opening monologue to Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

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Galadriel:

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged a master ring in secret, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all.

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Movie Script: Network

Movie Script: Network

Heres an excerpt from the speech made by Howard Beale ( actor, Peter Finch)
If you need to see this scene, just go to You Tube.

I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to write your congressmen. Because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the defense budget and the Russians and crime in the street. All I know is first you got to get mad. You've got to say: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more. I'm a human being, dammit. My life has value." So I want you to get up now. I want you to get out of your chairs and go to the window. Right now. I want you to go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell. I want you to yell: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!"

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Muddyshoes Drabble - The Stolen Zebra

Notes: A 'drabble' is a story of exactly 100 words that contains a beginning, a plot and an ending. I wrote this for my writing Meetup group in 2008. I included this one in the 'character' script section because of the different voices involved. The name Mabatu below, is pronounced "Mah-BAH-Too."

- Muddyshoes

--------------

Script:

“Who stole my zebra,” asked Mabatu? “Not I,” said the ostrich, “For I have no hands to pull his rope.” “Not I,” said the old Lion, “for I was once kicked by a zebra’s mighty hooves.” Mabatu scratched his head, turned and looked toward the snake and asked, “Snake, did you steal my zebra?” The snake said, “Oh no, the zebra is much too big to fit into my home inside that old log. At last, Mabatu asked the medicine man, “Have you seen my zebra, old man?” The old man smiled innocently, shook his head “no”, and then burped.

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Native American Indian

At last, I had only one son left; then he sickened. When he was dying - he asked me to promise him one thing. He begged me to take him - when he was dead - back to our old burying ground by the Swift running Waters, the Niobrara. I promised. When he died, I - and those with me - put his body into a box - and then in a wagon - and we started North.

That hand - is not the color of yours, but if I pierce it - I shall feel pain. If you pierce your hand - you also feel pain. The blood - that will flow from mine - will be the same color - as yours. I am a man.

God - made us both.

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O'shaugnessy needs time off

Soon after O'Shaugnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaugnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. 'To be shure it was, Boss', he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No', replied O'Shaugnessy. 'I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the front office. This time when O'Shaugnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

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Optimus Prime speech

I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving autobots taking refuge among the stars: We are here. We are waiting.

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Palpatine is revealed as the Sith Lord

Anakin: Chancellor,
we have just received a report from Master Kenobi.
He has engaged General Grievous.

Palpatine: We can only hope that Master Kenobi is up to the challenge.

Anakin: I should be there with him.

Palpatine: It’s upseting to me that the council doesn’t seem to fully apprciate your talents. Don’t you wonder why they won’t make you a Jedi Master?

Anakin: I wish I knew. More and more I get the feeling that I’m being excluded from the council. I know there are things about the force that they’re not telling me.

Palpatine: They don’t trust you Anakin. They see your future. They know your power will be too strong to control. You must break through the fog of lies the Jedi have created around you. Let me help you to know the subtleties of the force.

Anakin: How do you know the ways of the force?

Palpatine: My mentor tought me everything about the force - even the nature of the dark side.

Anakin: You know the dark side?!

Palpatine: Anakin, if one is to understand “the great mystery” one must study all it’s aspects, not just the dogmatic narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader, you must embrace a larger view of the force. Be careful of the Jedi Anakin.. only through me can you achieve a power greater than any jedi! Learn to know the dark side of the force and you’ll be able to save your wife from certan death.

Anakin: What did you say?

Palpatine: Use my knowledge, I beg you!

You’re the Sith lord!

Palpatine: I know what’s been troubling you... Listen to me.
Don't continue to be a pawn of the Jedi Council!
Ever since I've known you, you've been searching for a life greater than that of an ordinary Jedi..
a life of significance, of conscience.

Are you going to kill me?

Anakin: I would certainly like to

Palpatine: I know you would. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus, makes you stronger.

Anakin: I am going to turn you over to the Jedi Council.

Palpatine: Of course you should. But you’re not sure of their intentions, are you?

Anakin: I will quickly discover the truth of all this.

Palpatine: You have great wisdom, Anakin. Know the power of the dark side. The power to save Padme.

Contributed by JavierSvoice 06/17/2012

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Paul Frees - The Master - Haunted Mansion

Notes:

Any self-respecting voice talent needs to know who Paul Frees is. If you've ever watched TV or movies made before 1980, then you've heard his voice, even if you don't know who he is.

The script below is from the first part of the Haunted Mansion attraction at Disneyland/Walt Disney World and is the voice you hear in the foyer.

For reference and for your enjoyment. Here is an outtake reel by Paul Frees while recording the script below. Enjoy!

- Muddyshoes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlR9YeewwJw

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(The Haunted Mansion - Foyer Script)

When hinges creak in doorless chambers, and strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls. Whenever candlelights flicker where the air is deathly still. That is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight!

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Pizza Delivery Scene from Home Alone

Pizza Delivery Scene from Home Alone
Johnny has a tough guy gangster voice. Delivery guy is an 18 year old kid.
Scene Starts with delivery guy pulling up to house (car sound) and walking up to door.
Guy knocks on door.

Johnny: Who is it ?

Del. Guy: Its Little Nero's Sir. I have your pizza.

Johnny : Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.

Del. Guy: OK, Um well what about the money?

Johnny: What money?

Del. Guy: Well you have to pay for the pizza sir!

Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya?

Del. Guy: Um that'll be eleven eighty, sir

Johnny: Keep the change ya filthy animal.

Del. Guy: twelve bucks ! Cheapskate!

Johnny: Hey, I’m gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your, ugly, yella, no good keester off my property, before I pump your guts fulla lead. 1-2-10 (Machine gun fires, with Johnny laughing maniacally, as delivery guy runs away to his car and speeds off)

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Prepare to Die!

Hello,
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die!

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Razer Barracuda Ac-1

Well, Officer, you gotta understand, it was a wild night. There was a lot going on, and honestly, I wasn’t in the best condition to be a good witness, know what I’m saying? We’d just finished a tasting of our Rock Hollow Sextet. There were a lot of people there, and I’m sure they’d tell a lot of different stories. But I do know a few things for sure. One, the guy who ran had on a really great shirt. Two, I definitely heard the stolen files. Those mashups that guy was spinning, well, I’m pretty sure the RIAA never approved anything like that. And three, the crime couldn’t have happened without the Razer Barracuda AC-1. I know, it’s usually a gaming audio card. And a great one – I’m a fan myself. I mean, it supports DTS Neo:PC, DTS Interactive, Dolby Headphone, Dolby Digital Live, and Dolby Pro Logic IIx. That Razer Enhanced Sound Perception is pretty incredible at pinpointing kill zones, in awesome 7.1-channel, 24-bit sound. I don’t know why it’d get mixed up in something like this. But when I went up to it to get its autograph, it seemed different somehow. Wild. Out of control. Its passive EMI shield was drooping, and it had a crazy look on its HD-Dedicated Audio Interface. Maybe it had been drinking, I don’t know. Maybe it had been taking something stronger. All I can say is, it was pumping out those illicit remixes and leaked advances like it had a death wish. But, uh, hey, don’t tell the Razer Barracuda AC-1 I told you this, OK? A card with that kind of power, those kinds of connections – I just wouldn’t want to get on its bad side.

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Red- Morgan Freeman

I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Andy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

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Red-Morgan Freeman

Red: [narrating] I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Andy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

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Riddle

RIDDLE (a Parody on Sherlock Holmes)
Frank Muir & Denis Norden

….....After a moment of restless pacing he suddenly said, “I have just been given tea by Her Majesty's Foreign Secretary-”
'Earl Grey?'
'No,' he said . 'A fairly ordinary Darjeeling. Grown, I rather fancy, on that South-facing hill just above the handbag factory. He gave me very worrying news.'
Holmes paced the room again. The cat was sitting asleep on his chair an Holmes bent to tickle it behind an ear.
'Watson, my violin if you please.'
I handed it to him and with a forehand drive worthy of the great Dr. Grace himself, he batted the cat out of the chair and onto the floor. He settled himself comfortably into the chair.
' I am informed, Watson, that there is in this country an important Balkan Princeling, here under the protection of her Britannic Majesty. He has travelled from his own squalid little country to Britain in order to undergo an operation at which our British Surgeons lead the world. The removal of an ingrowing toe-nail.'
'Just so. What we medical men call a “Piggyectomy”.'
'Would you mind shutting up while I'm talking.'
I nodded assent.

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Rocky Balboa (2006)

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!

Rocky Balboa
Speaking to his son in Rocky Balboa (2006)

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Rush Limbaugh - Felix Has No Dad

Parody

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Sailboat Horizon II

The sailboats make me smile. It had been a while since my mom smiled. I wanted her to smile, too! "Mom! Mom!" I shouted as I ran into the big room."The sailboats are here! Come and see the sailboats!"

Mom was always sad now. She missed dad since he's been gone. I did too. Everyday she would sit on her chair next to the pictures of dad. Quietly sitting, like she was waiting for something.

"Mom?" I said. "The sailboats are here. They'll make you smile. Don't you want to see the sailboats?"

"I'm sorry, honey." She said all sad. "I just don't feel like doing anything anymore."

"Okay, mom." I said. "I want to let you know that I am not going back to school this year. I am the man of the house now, and I am going to take care of you until you feel better!"

I expected her to fight with me over that, but she just said, "Don't worry, my love. I'll be okay. In time."

I must have made my point though, cause sure enough, when the school year started; the school bus didn't come to pick me up!

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Sam's Speech - Worth Fighting For

Frodo : I can't do this, Sam.

Sam : I know.
It's all wrong
By rights we shouldn't even be here.
But we are.
It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo.
The ones that really mattered.
Full of darkness and danger they were,
and sometimes you didn't want to know the end.
Because how could the end be happy.
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened.
But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass.
A new day will come.
And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something.
Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

Contributed by Richurd

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Script submitted by dave@clickproseo.com

Pizza Delivery Scene from Home Alone

Pizza Delivery Scene from Home Alone
Johnny has a tough guy gangster voice. Delivery guy is an 18 year old kid.
Scene Starts with delivery guy pulling up to house (car sound) and walking up to door.
Guy knocks on door.

Johnny: Who is it ?

Del. Guy: It's Little Nero's Sir. I have your pizza.

Johnny : Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.

Del. Guy: OK, Um well what about the money?

Johnny: What money?

Del. Guy: Well you have to pay for the pizza sir!

Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya?

Del. Guy: Um that'll be eleven eighty, sir

Johnny: Keep the change ya filthy animal.

Del. Guy: twelve bucks ! Cheapskate!

Johnny: Hey, I’m gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your, ugly, yella, no good keester off my property, before I pump your guts fulla lead. 1-2-10 (Machine gun fires, with Johnny laughing maniacally, as delivery guy runs away to his car and speeds off)

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Seinfeld

The move to New York meant returning to his roots for Seinfeld, who was born April 29, 1954, in Brooklyn and raised in the Long Island town of Massapequa (which he has always joked was an old Indian name meaning “by the mall”). After graduating from Queens College, Seinfeld appeared at New York comedy spots while supporting himself with odd jobs, including selling lightbulbs over the phone and waiting tables at Brew and Burger. As his act grew more polished, he honed the wry observational style that was to become his trademark.

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Seminole Sporting Goods

Hey, y’all, this is Bubba! Now, y’all like getting’ out in the woods, right?
Well, the folks down at Seminole Sporting Goods have got everything you need to make that happen.
They’ve got a full line of Polaris and Honda ATVs; just about any ATV accessory you could ever want; tons of fishing, hunting, and camping gear; and – to top it off – they’ve got the best prices in Central Florida! You need financin’ for that new ATV? Well… they got that, too.
Don’t take my word for it, though… stop on by and check ‘em out for yourself. They’re easy to find… they’re right there in the heart of downtown Geneva. Oh… and when you get there, tell ‘em Bubba sent ya!

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Shawshank Redemption

Get busy Livin’
Or get busy Dyin’
That’s God Damn right.
For the second time in my life
I’m guilty of committing a crime.
Parole violation.
Course I doubt they’ll throw up any road blocks for that.
Not for an old crook like me.
I find I’m so excited I can barely sit still
Or hold a thought in my head.
I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel.
A free man at the start of a long journey.
Whose conclusion is uncertain.
I hope I can make it across the border.
I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.
I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
I hope.

Contributed by Richurd

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Shawshank Redemption (After Andy's escape)

Red: [narrating] In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a man six hundred years to tunnel through the wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than twenty. Oh, Andy loved geology. I imagine it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big goddamn poster. Like I said, in prison a man will do most anything to keep his mind occupied. Turns out Andy's favorite hobby was totin' his wall out into the exercise yard, a handful at a time. I guess after Tommy was killed, Andy decided he'd been here just about long enough. Andy did like he was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. The guards simply didn't notice. Neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a mans shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.

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Shawshank Redemption -Red

I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Andy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

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She Was So Dumb...

( a different voice for each line )

She thought a quarterback was a refund

She thought General Motors was in the Army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boys II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign Here", she wrote Sagittarius.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she would sleep.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent twenty minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".

She told me to meet her at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "airport left", she turned around and went home.

She thought that if she spoke her mind that she would be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said, "TGIF", which she thought stood for "This Gose In Front".

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

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Shelter Pet Project

-Einstein (adopted 12-09-10):
"Sure, at first I was a little taken aback by the whole peeing standing up thing. But I taught him to throw a stick and now hanging out with him is the best part of my day."

-Announcer:
"A person is the best thing to happen to a shelter pet. Adopt. theshelterpetproject.org."

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Short by George Takei

Oh, my!

Submitted by TxTom. ;-)

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Soft Volume Reads (script collection)

Advil—Children’s (concerned parent)
She has a high fever. You know what it’s like to wait it out. When time counts, Children’s Advil relieves her fever fast. Faster than Children’s Tylenol, and lasts up to eight hours. Children’s Advil- Fights Fevers Faster.

Above the Influence (vulnerable confession)
I thought I respected myself. That is, until I saw myself get high. It's just an ugly side of myself that I didn't recognize. Saying and doing things that just weren't me. I do respect myself, that's why I don't do drugs.

Godiva Chocolate (playful tease)
Now everyone can get to heaven. Perhaps you’ve sinned once or twice. But when you indulge in the luscious richness of our delectable milk chocolate truffles, you too will experience your own little moment in heaven.

Foot Locker (internal motivation)
I trade sweat for strength. I trade sleep for sunrises. I trade doubt for belief. I trade my running for nothing. Achieve New Balance, Foot Locker.

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Something Wicked This Way Comes

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Not dead yet mister Halloway?
Come looking in my mirrors for another chance?
Shall I help you find it?
Would you know it if you saw it?
Here the mirror of the dreams of beauty.
Can Chrisetti tell you of incredible loves he’d never lived?
Over here!
See.
The mirror of riches beyond wishing.
Where Mr. Tetley is buried.
Halloway.
Look.
Look here for the great and famous.
Ed.
The barman hero of all the football years.
All his cheering crowds gone.
Here.
The looking glass of pride and ruined vanity.
Where wars of time are fought and lost.
And now this.
This is your class of darkness Mr. Halloway.
It’s name.
Regret.
It’s sum.
Dispair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99xj7JiA24k&feature=related

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Star Wars: Luke meets Yoda

LUKE: Look, I'm sure it's delicious. I just don't understand why we can't see Yoda now.

CREATURE: Patience! For the Jedi it is time to eat as well. Eat, eat. Hot. Good food, hm? Good, hmm?

LUKE: How far away is Yoda? Will it take us long to get there?

CREATURE: Not far. Yoda not far. Patience. Soon you will be with him. (tasting food from the pot) Rootleaf, I cook. Why wish you become Jedi? Hm?

LUKE: Mostly because of my father, I guess.

CREATURE: Ah, your father. Powerful Jedi was he, powerful Jedi, mmm.

LUKE: (a little angry) Oh, come on. How could you know my father? You don't even know who I am. (fed up) Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here. We're wasting our time.

CREATURE: (irritated) I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.

BEN'S VOICE: He will learn patience.

YODA: Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his father.

BEN'S VOICE: Was I any different when you taught me?

YODA: Hah. He is not ready.

LUKE: Yoda! I am ready. I...Ben! I can be a Jedi. Ben, tell him I'm ready!

YODA: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained! A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. (to the invisible Ben, indicating Luke) This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away! To the future! To the horizon! Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. (turning to Luke) You are reckless!

BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you'll remember.

YODA: He is too old. Yes, too old to begin the training.

LUKE: But I've learned so much.

YODA: (sighs) Will he finished what he begins?

LUKE: I won't fail you -- I'm not afraid.

YODA: (turns slowly toward him) Oh, you will be. You will be.

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Star Wars: Palpatine Becomes Darth Sidious

Star Wars: Palpatine becomes Darth Sidious

The scene takes place after Darth Sidious (Palpatine) along with Anakin kills Mace Windu
( Samuel L. Jackson)

Anakin: What have I done ????

Darth Sidious: Your fufilling your destiny... Anakin. Become My Apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the force.

Anakin: I will do what you...you ask

Darth Sidious: Gooood !!!!

Anakin: Just help me save Padmae's life.... I cant live without her.

Darth Sidious: To cheat death is the power only one has achieved. But if we work together.....I know we can discover the secret.

Anakin: I pledge myself to your teachings.

Darth Sidious: Gooood ! ....yes... The force is Strong with you. A powerful sith you will become Hence forth you shall be known as Darth ...Vader.

Anakin: Thank you .....my Master.

Darth Sidious: Once more the sith's will rule the galaxy !!!!!!

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Still Here by Florinda Evans

STILL HERE – PART 1

Written by Florinda Evans

I was just sitting here thinking about my life. It's a lot to think about because I've been around a long time. I never thought I would live this long, but here I am, still here. “Still amongst the living” (chuckle) as the saying goes. I have seen and heard so much in my lifetime. I 'recon I probably could have wrote a book—it would have made for some interesting reading.

I was born in Meridian, Mississippi on November 10th, 1912. I come from a family of six: My name is Jacob, but most folks just call me Jake. I worked all my life until I could't' t work no more, till “Old Arthur” set up in my bones and made it too painful for me to do much good. But I'm not complaining, because the Lord has been good to me!

I've been blessed with two wives, both of them special in their own way. My first wife, Sarah, died after us being married for only 5 years. She was as sweet pie, beautiful, quiet, and soft-spoken. We didn't have any children, although we tried. In fact, that's what killed her. She was in her fourth month, and lost the baby and her life. It darn near broke my heart and I was in pretty bad shape for awhile (sniffle). Yeah..

One day, years later, while visiting relatives, I, I was introduced to a woman named Jessie from up North. At first, (chuckle) (chuckle) she kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I had never met a woman from up North before, and they had some different kind of ways, so to speak. Anyway, it seemed like I kept running into Jessie from time to time-- at the store, church and other folks' houses, and before you know it, she was always on my mind. One day, with flowers and candy in hand, I went to her house where she was staying with her kinfolks, got down on one knee and asked for her for her hand in marriage. I darn near fainted (chuckle) when she said, “yes”. (cough) (wheezing) Now she was the total opposite of my first wife Sarah. While Sarah was somewhat shy, Jessie, on the other hand, (chuckle) was a “spitfire” and didn't mind speaking exactly what was on her mind, no, (chuckle) Ah Huh not at all (chuckle) (cough) . . .

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TELEVISION SCRIPT - Tootsie Roll Pop - 1970s

One of my favorite commercials growing up. Enjoy!

------------------

BOY: Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

MR TURTLE: I never made it without biting... ask Mr. Owl.

BOY: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

MR OWL: Let's find out... One.. Two...Three

*CRUNCH NOISE*

MR OWL: Three

ANNOUNCER: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

*CRUNCH NOISE*

ANNOUNCER: The world may never know.

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The God Father (opening Scene)

That I cannot do.
I give you anything you ask.
We’ve known each other many years but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife was Godmother to your only child. But let’s be frank. You never wanted my friendship and, you were afraid to be in my debt.
I didn’t want to get into trouble.
I understand. You found paradise in America. You had a good trade, you made a good living, police protected you and there were courts of law and you didn’t need a friend like me. But, now you come to me and say, Don Corleone, give me justice. But you don’t ask for respect, you don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me God father. Instead you come into my house, on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me to do murder for money.
I ask for justice.
That is not justice. Your daughter is still alive.
Yes. But she is suffering. She suffers. How much shall I pay you?
Buena Sera. Buena Sera. Whatever have I done to make you treat me so disrespectfully. If you’d come to me in friendship, then this scum that wound you daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by chance, an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then he would look on my enemies, and then they will fear you.
Be my friend…God father.
Good. Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me, but until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.
Gracias.

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The Honey Baked Ham Bees

Bee 1: Hi we're bees.

Bee 2: And we're mad!

Bee 1: Here's the deal. You buy Honey Baked Ham.

Bee 2: You love Honey Baked Ham!

Bee 1: But here's our beef with this whole Honey Baked Ham thing.

Bee 2: Go ahead, tell 'em!

Bee 1: You talk about the spiral cut

Bee 2: Fine.

Bee 1: You talk about the three generations of traditions.

Bee 2: Also fine.

Bee 1: And you go way nuts over the great honey taste

Bee 2: And that, our human friends, is where the trouble begins.

Bee 1: Yeah, 'cause where did the Honey Baked Ham people get the idea for the great honey taste? HUH?

Bee 2: Yeah, where? FROM BEES! You MORONS!

Bee 1: But have you ever thanked a bee?

Bee 2: Have you ever gone up to a bee and said, "Hey, you bee, thanks for inspiring the great taste of Honey Baked Ham."

Bee 1: No, you haven't!

Bee 2: You never thanked us, yet you enjoy Honey Baked Ham on Holidays, at Super Bowl Parties, your kids graduation, birthdays...

Bee 1: Whatever!!! You love it. You enjoy it. But you never thank us.

Bee 2: And YOU wonder why... we STING!

ANNCR: Honey Baked Ham.... The Number One Ham in America!

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The House of Death Haunted House

Announcer 1:
It’s a dark, brisk night and Hallow’s Eve is near. You’re alone in your room, because you have no friends and smell weird, but are bored and want something exciting to do.

Kid:
Ba-ba-bee-bung I’m so bored and there’s nothing to do. I smell.

Announcer 1:
Told you! So why not get up off your stank bum and head on down to… The House of Death!

Announcer 2:
The House of Death is Kansas City’s scariest, most terrifying haunted house experience around. Featuring new rooms like the Insane Asylum, the Autopsy Room, and the Morgue of Madness. If you make it that far, then venture down the Hallway of Terror and see if you can survive the horror. The House of Death is located under the 12th Street Bridge by The Edge of Hell and The Beast. Gates open at 7 and close whenever the last victims crawl away. Group rates and discounts for parties of 10 or more. Go to your local grocer for discount coupons and come on out to The House of Death, where you’re guaranteed to soil yourself.

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The Indianapolis Story

Japanese slammed two torpedoes
into our side chief.
We was comin’ back from the island of
Tinian (Delahti?).
We’d just delivered the bomb.
The Hiroshima bomb.
1,100 men went into the water.
Vessel went down in twelve minutes.
Didn’t see the first shark for about a half an hour.
Tiger, thirteen footer.
You know how you know that when you’re
In the water chief?
Ya tell by looking from the dorsil to the tail.
What we didn’t know.
Was our bomb mission had been so secret,
No distress signal had been sent.
He he.
They didn’t even list us overdue for a week.
Very first light chief,
Sharks come cruisin’.
So we formed ourselves into tight groups.
You know it’s kinda like old squares in a battle.
Like you see on a calendar,
like the battle of Waterloo,
and the idea was
shark comes to the nearest man and
he’d start poundin’ an hollerin’ and screamin’
and sometimes the shark go away.
Sometimes he wouldn’t go away.
Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya.
Right into your eyes.
You know the thing about a shark,
He’s got lifeless eyes.
Black eyes like a dolls eyes.
When he comes at ya,
He doesn’t seem to be livin’.
Until he bites ya.
And those black eyes roll over white,
and then,
oh and ya hear that terrible high pitch screamin’.
The ocean turns red.
Despite all the poundin’ an hollerin,
They all come in and rip you to pieces.

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The Jackass - Mark Twain

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
- Pudd'nhead Wilson
Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.
- Notebook, 1898
Contributed by Richurd

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The Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring - Opening Monologue

The world is changed. I feel it in th water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live, will remember it.

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings, was bound the strength and the will to govern each race.

But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the firs of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron, forged in secret, a master ring to control all others and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all.

One by one, the free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor and on the slopes of Moutn Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth. Victory was near but the power of the ring could not be undone. It was in this moment when all hope had faded that Isiadore, son of the King took up his father's sword. Sauron the enemy of the free peoples of Middle Earth was defeated.

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The Maltese Falcon

Movie Script : The Maltese Falcon ( scene between Humphrey Bogart & Sidney Greenstreet)

WILMER: Here he is, Mr. Gutman -- the guy who was talkin' to the dame and the Greek.

GUTMAN: Ah! Mr. Spade!

SPADE: (PLEASANTLY) Mr. Gutman.

GUTMAN: We begin well, sir. I distrust a man who talks too much.

SPADE: I like to talk.

GUTMAN: Of course, talking's something you can't do judiciously - unless you keep in practice.

SPADE: Yeah.

GUTMAN: Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. And I'll tell you right out that I'm a man [who] likes talking to a man who likes to talk.

SPADE: Swell. Will we talk about the black bird?

GUTMAN: You're the man for me, sir. No beating about the bush, right to the point. Let us talk about the black bird, by all means. Mr. Spade, have you any conception of how much money can be got for that black bird?

SPADE: No.

GUTMAN: Well, sir, if I told you -- if I told you half, you'd call me a liar.

SPADE: (WITH A CHUCKLE) No, no. Not even if I thought so. But you just tell me what it is and I'll figure out the profits.

GUTMAN: You mean you don't know what that bird is?

SPADE: Well, I know what it's supposed to look like. I know the value in human life you people put on it.

GUTMAN: Miss O'Shaughnessy didn't tell you what it is? And Cairo didn't, either?

SPADE: He offered me ten thousand for it.

GUTMAN: (SCOFFS) Ten thousand! (CHUCKLES) And dollars, mind you, not even pounds. (SERIOUS) They must know what it is. Or do they? What is your impression?

SPADE: I can't tell. They're both lying.

GUTMAN: If they don't know, I'm the only one in the whole wide, sweet world who does.

SPADE: Swell. When you've told me, that'll make two of us.

GUTMAN: Mathematically correct, sir. But I don't know for certain that I'm going to tell you.

SPADE: Oh, don't be foolish. You know what it is and I know where it is. That's why I'm here.

GUTMAN: Well, sir, where is it?

SPADE: (CHUCKLES) Don't be silly.

GUTMAN: You see, I must tell you what I know but you will not tell me what you know. That is hardly equitable, sir. No, no. I don't think we can do business along those lines.

SPADE: (SUDDENLY VIOLENTLY ANGRY) Yeah? Well, think again and think fast. I can get along without you! And keep that gunsel away from me while you're makin' up your mind! I'll kill him!

GUTMAN: Well, sir, I must say you have a most violent temper.

SPADE: Well, what are you wasting time for?! You've got till 5:30, then you're either in or out for keeps!

(Noir MUSIC)

SPADE: (NARRATES) Three characters and a black bird. Well, all I knew was, my partner was dead and the cops were getting very uncooperative about the whole see that O'Shaughnessy dame before it was too late. And, sure enough, it
almost was.

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The Road To MANDALAY by Rudyard Kipling

BY the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea,
There's a Burma girl a-settin', and I know she thinks o' me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say:
"Come you back, you British soldier; come you back to Mandalay!"

Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay;
Can't you 'ear their paddles chunkin' from Rangoon to Mandalay,
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

'Er petticoat was yaller an' 'er little cap was green,
An' 'er name was Supi-yaw-lat—jes' the same as Theebaw's Queen,
An' I seed her first a-smokin' of a whackin' white cheroot,
An' a-wastin' Christian kisses on an 'eathen idol's foot:

Bloomin' idol made o' mud—
What they called the Great Gawd Budd—
Plucky lot she cared for idols when I kissed 'er where she stud!
On the road to Mandalay, etc.

When the mist was on the rice-fields an' the sun was droppin' slow,
She'd git her little banjo an' she'd sing "Kulla-lo-lo!"
With 'er arm upon my shoulder an' 'er cheek agin my cheek
We uster watch the steamers an' the hathis pilin' teak.

Elephints a-pilin' teak
In the sludgy, squdgy creek,
Where the silence 'ung that 'eavy you was 'arf afraid to speak!
On the road to Mandalay, etc.

Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', and it's there that I would be—
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea.

On the road to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings when we went to Mandalay!
Oh the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

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TheGreat Clapper Caper

The Great Clapper Caper

(This was one of my favorite skits with Jack Webb and Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show) (If you remember Dragnet, Jack’s character had a deadpan look and sound, very serious)

Friday: This is the city. Los Angeles California.

Some people rob for pleasure.

Some rob because its there. You never know.

My names Friday, I’m a cop.

I was working the day watch, on a robbery, when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There’s been a robbery.

Man: There’s been a robbery.

Friday: Yes Sir, what is it?

Man: My clappers.

Friday: Your clappers?

Man: Yea, you know those things inside a bell that makes them clang.

Friday: The clangers.

Man: That’s right, but we call them clappers in the business.

Friday: A clapper caper.

Man: What’s that?

Friday: Nothing Sir. Now can I have the facts?

What kind of clappers was stolen on this capper?

Man: They were copper clappers.

Friday: And where were they kept?

Man: In the closet.

Friday: U huh. You have any ideas, who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?

Man: Well, once fired a man and he swore he’d get even.

Friday: What was his name?

Man: Claude Cooper.

Friday: You think he…….

Man That’s right ! That’s right! I think Claude Copper copped my copper clappers, kept in a closet.

Friday: Do you know where this Claude Cooper is from?

Man: Yea, Cleveland.

Friday: That figures that figures.

Man: What make it worse, they were clean.

Friday: Clean copper clappers?

Man: That’s right.

Friday: Why do you think Cleveland’s Claude Cooper, would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?

Man: Only one reason.

Friday: And what’s that?

Man: He’s a kleptomaniac.

Friday: Who first discovered that the copper clappers were copped?

Man: My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford.

Friday: That figures, now let me see if I have the facts straight here.

Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers, kept in a closet, were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now is that about it?

Man: One other thing.

Friday: What’s that?

Man: If ever I catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland, who copped my clean copper clappers that were kept in a closet.

Friday: Yes?

Man: I’ll clobber him.

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Vendetta's Speech

Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke.
But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat.
There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission.
How did this happen?
Whos to blame?
Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler.
He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent.
Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives.
So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.

Contributed by Richurd

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Vin Scully type baseball call

Announcer- So with the count full at what will probably be his final little
league at bat.......hopes for the long dreamed of home run are fading
fast for the diminutive Paul Croshaw.........Rogers with the
pitch........its tagged down the left field line and this one has a
chance........fading.....foul..............Croshaw may not get another
perfect pitch like that....right down the middle of the
plate...............here comes Rogers again.......and it's popped up...

Announcer- Hold your horses....this ball just took off.....do you believe in miracles.....Yes!.......in the final game of the season comes the biggest surprise of the season......oh my....

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Vita est Lavorum

Whata we used to think was
whena you die
The soul leavesa the body.
Itsa kinda like a little bubble ina Seven Up
You know
it justa goesa shootin’ upa there.

And we usta think
There wasa different levels in heaven.
Anda dependin how Holy you are.
The lighter the soul is.
So if, you know, you’re a real good a very very a nicea person
You cana goa way way upa high
And be witha God
Anda other nicea people likea youself.
And if youra real, real bada person,
Your soul mighta justa raise a lika four feet.
You mighta have to spend eternity
Hangin around the grill of some cheapa restaurant.
Anda thatsa foevever. Forever.
I know some priests they say forever, and ever.
I really don’t think the “and ever” isa necessary.
Forever, really kinda covers it you know.
Forever meansa forever, what do you want.
Forever, Forever.
Well, we found outa that’s a nota true.
There are no levels in heaven.
We found outa the truth
Froma something called the factum aletter
happened ina 19a17
there wasa this miracle in a Portugal
anda these three little aPortugesesa kids
They was givena thisa letter
And they was told
Give the letter to the Pope
And tell him don’t open it tilla 19a60
What it was about was the secret of life
What happens to you when you die
All that stuff.
Anda what ita said
Right at the top,
Big capital letters,
Said -- Vitem -- Est – Lavorum.
That means “Life -- Is – A Job”.
Thatsa why, you know, you thinka life is a so harda
So difficulta most of the time.
Thats cause itsa job,
whata you want,
it’s justa work.
That’s what it’s about,
And ita said that each of us is getting paid
$14a50 aday.
That’s our wages a $14a50 aday.
And what happens to you when you die
The soula does leavea the body.
And then you see yourself going down
Thisa long, long, long darka tunnel
And your whole life flashes before you.
From the day you wasa born till the day you die.
Then
You come to the end of the tunnel,
And God is there awaitin for you.
And he looks you straight in the eye,
And then,
He pays you.
You see, he knows you wasa comin,
He’sa likea phsycic
He knowsa everything.
And he figured it all up in advance.
$14a50 times the number of days
You was alivin
And he gives you all thisa money.
And you got all thisa money in front of you.
And then,
He starts going over all of your sins.
And you have to pay for your sins.
Maybe you hearda that expression
You know, you have to pay for your sins.
Thatsa the Truth.
We do have to Pay for our sins.
In cash.
Itsa casha deal.
Itsa likea maybe when you was a little kid
Maybe stole a bag of potato chips.
That might be like six dollars afine.
Gotta give him backa six dollars.
Lying, everytime you lie ten dollars.
Ten, ten, ten, ten,ten,ten,ten.
Justa shell it out, every single alie ten dollars.
Ten.
Murder
Athatsa the worst one.
One hundred thousand dollars.
Masturbation.
I don’t know.
Twenty-five athirty-fivea cents would be my guess.
That’sa cheapa sin.
But it cana mounta up.
You know, aperiod of time.
thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-five.
Well, if you have enougha money,
To pay off alla you sins,
Then, you get to go to heaven.
But, if you don’t have enough,
Then you have to go back and bea born again.
It’sa kinda like goin’a back to work after a little vacation.
Somea real abada people, likea Mafioso types
Might have to spenda four or fivea lifetimes as nuns
Justa makin’ upa for it.
Most nuns are former Mafioso,
I don’t know if you know that.

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W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Contributed by Richurd

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Yogurt

Yogurt
by Michael Fremer
(from memory - this appears on his album "I Can Take a Joke")

Man: Excuse me, ma'am, do you like yogurt?

Woman: Yuck! I think yogurt tastes like baby's throw-up!

Man: Well, here, try some of this chalky white stuff in a cup.

Woman: Hmmm... Looks like yogurt, smells like yogurt - sure glad I didn't step in it - tastes delicious! What is it?

Man: What if I told you you just ate and liked yogurt?

Woman: You're kidding!

Man: Yes, I am kidding. That cup is full of baby's throw-up.

Woman: Bleagh!

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