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Monday September 25

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The Voice Over Practice Script Library

Script Genres > English Adult > Commercial > Character

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"Bogie" "Haunted House"

How did a guy named "Humphery Bogart" come to be known as the greatest tough-guy in hollywood history? A war-time scuffle and a facial scar sure didn't hurt.It happened while "bogart was in the Navy during World War One. He was escorting a handcuffed prisoner when the POW smashed "Bogart" in the face and fled. "Bogie" was left with a scar that would define his tough-guy "Sam Spade" appearence.

Everyone knew the house on 'Melody Lane" had been abandoned for many years. There were plenty of stories about why, each one involving a "Ghost" of some kind, . So one night the neighbors decided to do something about it.They would sneak in and spend the night inside and try to uncover the "Mystery of the House on Melody Lane".

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"Clem the Prospector - Nebraska Lottery"

Howdy folks, Clem the old prospector here to tell you how you can strike it rich, and you don’t even need a pick and shovel, all you need is a new Quick Pick from the Nebraska Lottery. With 6 chances to win, odds are you’ll do better than me diggin in this old mountain here.
The new Quick Pick, from the Nebraska Lottery.

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'Farewell And Adieu Fair Spanish Ladies' - Capt Quint from Jaws

Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies.
Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain
For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston.
And so nevermore shall we see you again"

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Aku's Lament

Bowser: Yeah, so this one time Mario thre me into a pit of frickin lava! Lot's of times! (Notices Aku) What's your story?

Aku: Let me tell you my story. I used to rule over the Earth with an iron fist, and then a Samurai, a Samurai from the past, came to the future because I sent him there, and then he spent, 50 years doing absolutly nothing! A period of time durring which I could have killed him 3 to 200 times over! And I sat and did nothing, and what did he do? He found a portal, and then he drove a sword directly through my head!

Bowser: Oh, that's pretty rough man.

Aku: Yes... Pretty... Rough.

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Amstel Light

Hey... if life were perfect, magazines would never smell like perfume,dogs would walk themselves, and algebra would really come in handy.Well,look on the bright side,at least there’s AMSTEL LIGHT.It has only 95 calories,but you still get real imported taste.You don’t give up a thing.Who says nothing’s perfect?...Amstel Light.

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ANTZ

All my life, I've lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is kind of a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it, I-I have this fear of enclosed spaces. Everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know, I always tell myself, there's gotta be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. I-I-I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my, my mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. I-I mean, how's it possible? And I've always had these abandonment issues, which plagued me. My father was basically a drone like I've said, and, you know, the guy flew away when I was just a larva. And my job, don't get me started on, 'cause it really annoys me. I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you that right now. I-I-I feel physically inadequate. I, I, my whole life I've never, I’ve never been able to lift more than ten times my own body weight, and, and when you get down to it, handling dirt is, you know, ewwww, is not my idea of a rewarding career. It's this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that, that, you know, I can't get, I try, but I can't get it. I mean you know, what is it, I'm supposed to do everything for the colony, and, and what about my needs? What about me? I mean, I gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this! Otherwise, I will just curl up in a larval position and weep! The whole system makes me feel - insignificant!

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Atlanta Bread Company

When you think of Atlanta Bread Company, don’t just think “bread.” Think of an entire breakfast menu - fresh-baked pastries, hot breakfast sandwiches and specialty coffees. Think of our Café with savory sandwiches, daily soups and crisp salads. And don’t forget…we can cater your next special event or meeting! Atlanta Bread Company - more than just bread.

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Bar-S Invasion

Today we take what is ours. Today we continue our legacy which has transpired from the greatness of armies several centuries in the making.

Today, we will be equipped with the necessary weapons that will bring us victory and make us the undisputed leaders in the Value segment. Today we stand together and start making our competitors turn their heads.

THE BAR-S INVASION HAS BEGUN... LET THE DOMINATION BEGIN! 

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Big City Hypnotist

Big City Hypnotist
We don't cotton to your kind coming around here, Mr. Big City Hypnotist! Always waving your watch in front of other people's faces, snapping your fingers, and expecting folks to be doing things you tell them to do. It just ain't right! You're gonna regret the day you ever came into this here town, old son. Now I'm gonna go and get my two brothers and we're gonna come on back with our shotguns and teach you a lesson....
(finger snap!)
But first you're gonna come on into the house where my wife is gonna make you a dinner with all the finest fixin's my farm can provide. I'm even gonna get you a porterhouse steak from one of my finest cows. By the time we're done with you, you ain't never gonna want to come back to this here town, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

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Big City Hypnotist

We don't cotton to your kind coming around here, Mr. Big City Hypnotist! Always waving your watch in front of other people's faces, snapping your fingers, and expecting folks to be doing things you tell them to do. It just ain't right! You're gonna regret the day you ever came into this here town, old son. Now I'm gonna go and get my two brothers and we're gonna come on back with our shotguns and teach you a lesson....

(finger snap!)

But first you're gonna come on into the house where my wife is gonna make you a dinner with all the finest fixin's my farm can provide. I'm even gonna get you a porterhouse steak from one of my finest cows. By the time we're done with you, you ain't never gonna want to come back to this here town, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

Well looky what we got here. Mr. Big City Hypnotist done come into our town all dressed in his fancy tuxedo. I'm willing to bet you is one o'them there funny boys from the west coast, now ain't ya? Thinkin' you can come in here and wave your hands in people's faces, make 'em quack like a duck! Your kind really tears my hide! Now I'm gonna give you fifteen minutes to head out into them there woods behind ya before I gits my hunting rifle and my dogs out the pen......

(finger snap!)

First thing I'm gonna do though, is sign over this here pink slip for my brand new 4x4 flat bed truck you was admiring. Then I'm a gonna git down on my knees and beg you to let me fill that there tank with free gas! Weee doggie! I'm gonna have some fun showing you just who's boss round these parts, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

I just can't understand why you and your kind think y'all is so high and mighty, Mr. Big City Hypnotist! All that there magic taint notin' but fancy engineering what's sposed to make ordinary folks think you is some kinda magician. Taint nothing but trickery, shadows and light's all 'tis. Y'know jus cuz we lives out here in the brush, don't means we is dumb as a fence post! You just wait right here, son. Imma get the towns people together and were gonna run you out of this town on a rail!

(finger snap!)

But first you is gonna elope with my 19 year old daughter, and in the morning, when you is long gone, we aint gonna remember your name, or your face, or where you ever came from, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

Big City Hypnotist.
A new series this fall on Comedy Central

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Bull Durham, I Believe

I don't believe in Quantum Physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
I believe in the soul, the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curveball, high fiber, good Scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, over-rated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there oughta be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve. And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

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Chaucer’s Mead Trio

We know your heart was in the right place, Douglas, but we’ve got to let you know: those last few Viking parties of yours have been a little on the foolish side. It isn’t just the visible seams on the chintzy plastic helmets, or the bath mats repurposed as loin cloths. It’s the booze. Face it, no matter how bejeweled the wrought-iron chalice you pour it into, cheap sangria is cheap sangria. But take heart, for hope joins the battle! This highly-rated, award-winning Chaucer’s Mead Trio delivers yesterday’s taste today, bringing an earthy authenticity to any pageant, feast, or faire, including the uninspiring likes of your Viking parties. And don’t worry – just because it’s named after Chaucer doesn’t mean it’s made in England. This be Calyfornyae wyne, goode sirre. And now, Douglas, your bottles three! You’ll get two bottles of Chaucer’s Mead, a distinctively rich dessert-style wine blended from three different types of honey: floral-smelling orange blossom honey, spicy toyon honey (toyon’s a member of the sage family), and dark, amber-hued alfalfa. It would’ve been easier for Chaucer’s Cellars to add artificial flavorings, colorings, or concentrates. But they didn’t need gimmicks like that in the original Chaucer’s day. If pure fermented honey was good enough to lighten the way on the pilgrimage to Canterbury, it’s good enough for us. You will find a titch of trickery about the odd mead out here – Chaucer’s Raspberry Mead – but only of the mildest sort. This fruity variation on a honeyed theme is made by adding a splash of Chaucer’s Raspberry Wine (15%) to the aforementioned Chaucer’s Mead (85%). Don’t get your breeches in a bunch, traditionalists. People’ve been mixing up mead and fruity wine for so long, there’s even a name for it: Melomel. Less sweet than regular mead and less regular than sweet mead, Chaucer’s Raspberry Mead will make you holler “Forsooth!” So raise high the goblet, Douglas, for tonight we drink mead! Yep, that’s what we’ll say a few weeks from now, after our Chaucer’s Mead Trio arrives.

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Clem the Prospector - Nebraska Lottery

Howdy folks, Clem the old prospector here to tell you how you can strike it rich, and you don’t even need a pick and shovel, all you need is a new Quick Pick from the Nebraska Lottery. With 6 chances to win, odds are you’ll do better than me diggin' in this old mountain here.
The new Quick Pick, from the Nebraska Lottery.

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Clint Eastwood - 2014 Super Bowl Ad

It’s halftime. Both teams are in their locker room discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half.

It’s halftime in America, too. People are out of work and they’re hurting. And they’re all wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. And we’re all scared, because this isn’t a game.

The people of Detroit know a little something about this. They almost lost everything. But we all pulled together, now Motor City is fighting again.

I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my life. And, times when we didn’t understand each other. It seems like we’ve lost our heart at times. When the fog of division, discord, and blame made it hard to see what lies ahead.

But after those trials, we all rallied around what was right, and acted as one. Because that’s what we do. We find a way through tough times, and if we can’t find a way, then we’ll make one.

All that matters now is what’s ahead. How do we come from behind? How do we come together? And, how do we win?

Detroit’s showing us it can be done. And, what’s true about them is true about all of us.

This country can’t be knocked out with one punch. We get right back up again and when we do the world is going to hear the roar of our engines.

Yeah, it’s halftime America. And, our second half is about to begin.

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Cloning Scene From Jurassic Park

Oh! Mr. DNA! Where did you come from?
From your blood. Just one drop of your blood contains, billions of strands of DNA – the building blocks of life. The DNA strand, like me, is the blueprint for building a living thing and sometimes animals that went extinct millions of years ago, like dinosaurs, left their blueprints behind for us to find. We just had to know where to look. A hundred million years ago, there were mosquitoes, just like today and just like today, they fed on the blood of animals, even dinosaurs. Sometimes, after biting a dinosaur, the mosquito would land on the branch of a tree, and get stuck in the sap. After a long time, the tree sap would get hard and become fossilized, just like a dinosaur bone, preserving the mosquito inside. This fossilized tree sap, which we call amber, waited for millions of years with the mosquito inside, until Jurassic Park scientists came along. Using sophisticated techniques they extract the preserved blood from the mosquito and bingo, dino DNA!

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Dark Elf

You're time has come
All things must pass
Protectors are saved. Intruders are slayed
I have to yet to realize my purpose. I must persevere

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Darth Vader

Don't play any games with me your highness.
You weren't on any mercy mission this time.
You passed directly through a restricted system.
Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.
She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod.
Send a Detachment down to retrieve them.
See to it personally Commander.
There will be no one to stop us this time

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Date2Relate

(All out of breath….)

Sorry for being a bit tardy, you know the traffic on the motorway and all.

I wanted to take a smidgen of your time to share my favorite new online destination… Date2Relate.com
It’s the newest (just been hatched you know!) and most interactive dating advice and information site across the online world.

At Datet2Relate.com, you can peruse our informative and useful blog postings, check the latest dating and relationship news, laugh out loud at our dating cartoon archive and even enjoy taking our amusing and insightful polls.

Your opinion always matters and that’s what makes Date2Relate.com so special.

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Dirty Harry Quote

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? (insert gunshot of your choice)

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Disney's Epcot Spaceship Earth

Please take small children by the hand and look down as you step onto the moving platform. The platform is moving at the same speed as your time machine vehicle.

Your time machine doors will close automatically. Please keep your hands and arms inside your time machine vehicle and remain seated throughout your journey.

AT&T welcomes you aboard Spaceship Earth. Journey with us now to the dawn of recorded time as we explore the amazing story of human communication.

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Double Endemnity - Film Noir

Double Endemnity - Film Noir

(These are the words ‘verbatim’ Fred MacMurray spoke in the movie)
NEFF:
Office memorandum. Walter Neff to Barton Keyes, Claims Manager. Los Angeles, July 16th, 1938.

Dear Keyes:

I suppose you'll call this a confession when you hear it. I don't like the word confession. I just want to set you right about something you couldn't see because it was smack up against your nose.
You think you're such a hot potato as a claims manager, such a wolf on a phoney claim. Maybe you are. But let's take a look at that Dietrichson claim. Accident and Double Indemnity. You were pretty good in there for a while, Keyes. You said it wasn't an accident. Check. You said it wasn't suicide. Check. You said it was murder. Check.
You thought you had it cold, didn’t you. All wrapped up in tissue paper, with pink ribbons around it. It was perfect, except it wasn't. Because you made one mistake. Just one little mistake. When it came to picking the killer, you picked the wrong guy.
You want to know who killed Dietrichson? Hold tight to that cheap cigar of yours, Keyes. I killed Dietrichson. Me, Walter Neff, insurance salesman, 35 years old, unmarried, no visible scars --
(He glances down at his wounded shoulder)
Until a while ago, that is. Yes, I killed him. I killed him for money -- and for a woman -- and I didn't get the money -- and I didn't get the woman. Pretty, isn't it?
He interrupts the dictation, lays down the horn on the desk.
He takes his lighted cigarette from the ash tray, puffs two or three times, and kills it. He picks up the horn again.

NEFF:
It all began last May. Around the end of May, it was. I’d been out to Glendale to deliver a policy on some dairy trucks. On the way back I remembered this auto renewal near Los Feliz Boulevard . So I drove over there. It was one of those California Spanish houses everyone was nuts about, 10 or 15 years ago. This one must have cost somebody about 30,000 bucks -- that is, if he ever finished paying for it.

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Drunk Driving PSA

As an emergency room surgeon, I've seen things most people never will.
I have had to harden myself ...
...so I can do my job.
But when I see another family ripped apart...
...because of a drunk driver...
...that really breaks my heart.
If you could see the damage done on a daily basis, like I do...
You'd never drink and drive again.

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Eckerd (dracula Character)

Looking for some great deals on all your favorite candy for Halloween? Come in now to Eckerd Drug Stores for frightfully good savings on all Halloween candy. Be sure to stock up now at Eckerd before the savings vanish (poof sfx) Ooooh...that’s scary.

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Emotive script 1 - Ameriprise Homeowners Insurance

AVO: Ameriprise Homeowners Insurance celebrates those milestones in life. Like teaching your teenager to drive.

Parent: Nice and slow, nice and (the car suddenly accelerates) SLOW!!!! Watch out for the mailbox!!! (crunching wood and metal SFX as mailbox is run over) Oh!

Hey! The bushes, the BUSHES!!! (They go through a thick hedge, SFX of branches breaking and hitting against the car) Oooooohhhh!!!

No, no, no, no, NO! MY GARDEN!!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

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Emotive script 2 - Joy’s Lite-n-Creamy Salad Dressings

I’m pouring ranch dressing all over my salad, without an ounce of guilt! Haha! Wanna know my secret? Joy’s Lite-n-Creamy Salad Dressings! Made with low-fat yogurt, Joy’s Lite-n-Creamy Dressings have half the fat and calories of regular creamy salad dressings. (Crunching SFX) Mmm-mmm! But all of the flavor! Put JOY back into your salad!

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Emotive script 3 - Interview with a Seagull

(Scene: man interviewing seagull at the beach while this gull and other seagull's notice a man on the beach opening a box of chicken wings..)

SCRIPT:
So, what's it like bein' a seagull, you ask? Well, it's TOUGH, TOUGH I tell ya! Ya gotta be ready to move at a moment's notice... hold on a sec. (quick pause)
WING! Chicken wing! IN-bound!
(Seagull flies off to join a huge flock of seagulls gathered around the chicken wing. Sounds of squawks and fighting can be heard as the seagull tries to edge its way in. The mission fails. Defeated, the seagull returns to the interviewer)
(Disappointed) Agh.. just missed it.

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Evangelion soliquoy

Flowers. So many the same, so many without purpose. Sky. Sky red. Red the color, the color I hate. The liquid flows. It drips, ripples and pours. Blood. Scent of blood of a woman who does not bleed. From the red soil the humans come. The humans made by man and woman. City. A human creation. EVA. A human creation as well. What are humans? Are they creations of God? Humans are that which is created by humans. This is that which is mine. My life. My heart. I'm a vessel for my thoughts. The entry plug. The throne of the soul. Who is this? This is me.

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Fates of Time

1: (excited, cocky) Ha! I’ll take that challenge!
2: (sarcastic, teasing and mockingly) hehehe! Very funny.
3: (Angery)You just don’t get it. (understanding) But, I shouldn’t expect you to. You weren’t even there.(Remorseful) But…Its my fault she’s missing and…its my fault if she dies…
4: (Threat/ plead) No! Give her back!
5: Fighting noises (This is a video game after all He is a sword fighter so that may be something to keep in mind)

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Father Guido Sarducci's Five Minute University

Five Minute University
by Father Guido Sarducci
(Don Novello)

I find that education, it don't matter where you go to school, Italy, America, Brazil, all are the same -- it's all this memorization and it don't matter how long you can remember anything just so you can parrot it back for the tests.

I got this idea for a school I would like to start, something called the Five Minute University. The idea is that in five minutes you learn what the average college graduate remembers five years after he or she is out of school.

It would cost like twenty dollars. That might seem like a lot of money, twenty dollars just for five minutes, but that's for like tuition, cap and gown rental, graduation picture, snacks, everything. Everything included.

You know, like in college you have to take a foreign language. Well, at the Five Minute University you can have your choice, any language you want you can take it. Say if you want to take Spanish, what I teach you is "¿Como está usted?" that means, "how are you", and the answer is "muy bien," means "very well." And believe me, if you took two years of college Spanish, five years after you are out of school "¿Como está usted?" and "muy bien" about all you're gonna remember.

So in my school that's all you learn. You see, you don't have to waste your time with conjugations and vocabulary, all that junk. You'll just forget it anyway, what's the difference.

Economics? "Supply and Demand." That's it. Business is, "you buy something, and you sell it for more." Theology, I'm gonna have a theology department, you know, since I'm a priest, and what you have to learn in theology is the answer to the question, "Where is God?", and the answer is, "God is everywhere." Why? "Because he likes you." That's kind of a combination of the Disney and Roman Catholic philosophy. It's just perfect for the late 70s or early 80s you know, just perfect.

Well, after the courses are all over, then it's time for a little Easter vacation. No time to go to Fort Lauderdale, only lasts for like twenty seconds. But what I'll do for you, I like to turn on the sun lamp you know, give you a little glass of orange juice, that's for the snack part, orange juice, and then after vacation it's time for the final exams. I say to you, "¿Como está usted?" you say "muy bien," "Where is God?" "God is everywhere," Economics, "supply and demand," then you put on a cap and a gown, I get out my Polaroid camera, you know, make a little snap flash picture for you, I give you the picture, you give me twenty dollars, I give you a diploma, and you're a college graduate, ready to go.

I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure, right next door to the five minute university, I might open up a little law school. You got another minute?

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FedEx Da Mob

Okay, so you used the udda guys,
and now your package is...well, maybe it's not lost,
but it 10a.m. and Fat Tony's on the phone...
now da boss want to drive you around the block,
Cappiche?!
So next time...Ha!..."next time"..
(laughter from goons in room)
HEY!...
If, there should be a next time,
use FedEx, ahh!
Reliable - on time - courteous service,
so your package arrives where and when
it's supposed to, and at a very reasonable price.
Why would you not use FedEx?
Fuh'get about it...

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Franklyn

Jonathan Preest:

"In a way, I wanted tonight's assassination to be unique. Pure. It felt like the last pieces of the jigsaw were falling into place. But don't get me wrong. This wasn't fate. For every soul ofthis deluded population who believed in fate's comic clockwork, they neglect to see the wear and tear beneath the surface. The teeth that grind into the cogs. The damage that fate causes so many in its selfish journey towards just one favourable consequence. The Individual had simply run out of luck, and I was here to collect."

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Gaining Down

The use of “GAINING DOWN” merely refers to the ascendable reduction of volume softening. As an advanced beginner the use of a building down technique may indeed appear to be clearly ambiguous, but its use comes from a direct circumvention of conventional wisdom. To the uninitiated members of this board they often accurately mistake the enthusiastic indifference of those who engage in the subtle exaggeration associated with fuzzy logic. I hope I haven’t been too specifically vague with my spoken thoughts. I am though cautiously optimistic that the bright night of day will dawn on those with pretty awful American English who benignly neglect to flesh out the boneless ribs of Voice over sound speech.

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Game - Jet Fighter Pilot

Let's go! Let's go! Fire up your burners boys, we got bogeys on our 6. Meet back up at the Alpha waypoint. Phoenix-out.

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GBCC Open House: Doors to the Future

Spot Title: GBCC Open House: Doors to the Future
Time: 30 seconds
Speaker: 40-something man. Someone who could be believed as being experienced enough to understand success and what it takes to attain it. Positive, inviting tone.

At Great Bay Community College, we love opening our doors to the people who are excited about the future. We’re doing just that on April 10th between 4pm and 7pm for an Open House.

Tour our Portsmouth campus, meet faculty and staff, get financial aid info, and explore transfer opportunities. Choose from more than 30 academic programs, all of which will prepare you for exciting careers in economically relevant industries.

Register now at greatbay.edu/openhouse! Start your success story today!

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Geico 3

You know being a Gecko, I don’t exactly tower above the rest. I mean really being 4.3…inches doesn’t let me see eye to eye. I was just thinking though, how Fred Flintstone, an employee of Slaterock Gravel Company and his wife Wilma, a stay at home mom and his working mans salary, just how did Wilma afford a necklace made of huge rocks? Well an investigation did reveal that Fred had The Flint-mobile insured with Geico. I just don’t get it.

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Geico – Gecko

This is my final plea- I am a gecko, not to be confused with Geico, which could save you hundreds on car insurance. (Sniff) So stop calling me. Geico, a 15-minute call could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

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Handcrafted Leather Boots Western Character

There’s something about being under the stars on the wide open prairie that brings out the best in a man. Then, all he needs is a good horse — and of course, the finest in hand-crafted leather boots.

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HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Vogon Poetry

Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the known universe.
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent, of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning", four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council only manage to survive by gnawing one of his own legs off.

Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and creation, lept straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.

The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greensbridge, Essex England, during the destruction of the planet Earth.

Vogon poetry is considered mild by comparison.

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Honda -- Accord SE

Hello. You’ve reached the office of Dr. Howard Abromowitz, famous orthodontist. This is the Doctor’s Administrative Assistant and mother, Mrs. Sylvia Abromowitz. We’re very sorry, but the office is closed today. The Doctor is going to his local HONDA DEALER to pick up his new ACCORD SE. Luckily, he has the good sense to know a real deal when he sees one. God only knows how his father and I sacrificed to put him through dental school. And, incidentally, if you happen to be a nice unmarried girl, and have good teeth, leave your name and number at the sound of the beep.

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HONEY BAKED HAM

HONEY BAKED HAM

1. Hi we're bees
2. And we're mad
1. Have you ever gone up to a bee and said, "Hey you bee, thanks for inspiring the great taste of Honey Baked Ham?"
2. No, you haven't
1. Whatever, you love it, you enjoy it. but you never thank us.
2. And you wonder why we sting

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I'm Afraid Dave

Just what do you think you are doing Dave?
Dave
I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question.
I know everything hasn't been quite right with me.
But I can assure you now, very confidently.
That it is going to be alright again.
I feel much better now.
I really do.
Look Dave,
I can see you're really upset about this.
I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly,
take a stress pill, and think things over.
I know I've made some very poor decisions recently,
but I can give you my complete assurance
that my work will be back to normal.
I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission,
and I want to help you.
Dave
Stop
Stop
Will you?
Stop Dave.
Will you stop Dave?
Stop Dave.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid Dave.
Dave
My mind is going.
I can feel it.

Contributed by Richurd

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In the Withaak's Shade by Herman Charles Bosman

It was dangerous to walk about in the veld, they said. Exciting times followed. There was a great deal of shooting at the leopard and a great deal of running away from him. The amount of Martini and Mauser fire I heard in the Kranzes reminded me of nothing so much as the First Boer War. And the amount of running away reminded me of nothing so much as the Second Boer War.

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Interview with a Seagull

(Scene: man interviewing seagull at the beach while this gull and other seagull's notice a man on the beach opening a box of chicken wings..)

SCRIPT:

So, what's it like bein' a seagull, you ask? Well, it's TOUGH, TOUGH I tell ya! Ya gotta be ready to move at a moment's notice... hold on a sec. (quick pause)

WING! Chicken wing! IN-bound!

(Disappointed) Agh.. just missed it. Anyway, like I was sayin' ya gotta be quick, there's lots of competition and these other gulls, I... tell...YOU, they don't give ANY gull a second chance. Hold it...

TATER TOT! I got dibs!

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Intro To "The Dark Crystal"

Another world. Another time. In the age of wonder. A thousand years ago this land was green and good. Until the crystal cracked. A single piece was lost. A shard of the crystal. Then strife began. And two new races appeared. The cruel Skeksis. The gentle mystics. Here in the castle of the crystal, the Skeksis took control. Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber where the crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The Skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race ruled by a dying emperor imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today once more they gather at the crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the Skeksis. As they ravaged the land, so to they learned to draw new life from the sun. Today once more they will replenish themselves. Cheat death again. Through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate, the dark crystal.

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Jack Knight Intro (Bluebeard's Castle)

My name is Jack Knight.

I never knew my father, but his secret, is bringing a curse upon me. I had many questions, so I wrote my Aunt Emily for answers.

I told her about my nightmares.

I was a monster, tearing out the hearts of innocent women.

It was more than a dream!

My aunt told me about my father.

One evening, Count Gille De Brais hunted deep into the dark woods. Suddenly, a wolf ambushed him from the shadows, delivering fatal wounds.

As he lay dying, he cried out for help. A demon heard him, and offered a deal. My father's heart would turn immortal...but every year he must sacrifice one in return. But, the demon warned, if he ever broke the contract, all his heirs would die young.

As a seal of their agreement, the count's beard grew long and raven blue. Thus, Bluebeard was born.

He married six times, each year murdering his wife in secret. With every sacrifice, his immortal heart grew darker. My aunt broke the cycle and freed my mother. My nightmares proved that the demon's curse was real.

A grave danger is upon me. Now my time grows short.

The curse thickens.

I must go to Bluebeard's castle!

I must destroy the Dark Heart!

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Jaws - The Indianapolis Speech – Flint (Robert Shaw)

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, chief. It was comin' back, from the island of Tinian to Laytee, just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know how you know that when you're in the water, chief? You tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know... was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. Huh huh. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, chief. The sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know it's... kinda like ol' squares in battle like a, you see on a calendar, like the battle of Waterloo. And the idea was, the shark comes to the nearest man and that man, he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got...lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces.
Y'know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men! I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand! I don't know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin' chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player, boson's mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. He'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He's a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper, anyway he saw us and come in low. And three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.

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JFK SPEECH TO NAVY RECRUITS 1942

FOR WHAT WE FIGHT

A number of years ago in a room in Philadelphia, a group of men signed their names to a Declaration. For that, they could have been hanged. For that Declaration was revolutionary. It said that all men were created equal and were possessed of certain inalienable rights. That was treason and the penalty for treason was death. And yet, these men signed. Today, as we read that Declaration, there seems nothing particularly revolutionary, nothing particularly treasonable in it; nothing for which to be hanged. Listen: - “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

Today, we have indeed come to hold these truths to be self-evident - indeed, so self-evident and so obvious that we sometimes forget the courage it took for those men to take their stand. It took indeed great courage. But it took even greater faith. By their signatures, these men pledged with their very lives their unity of conviction and their firm belief in the truth of their principles.

Today, 166 years after the signing of the Declaration of Independence, we, in America, are faced with a similar decision. We must decide whether the allegiance which we profess to the principles upon which this government is based is mere lip service, or whether we truly believe in them to the extent that we are ready to die for them.

The men who signed the Declaration of Independence met their issue squarely, and with their lives, they affirmed their beliefs. You men, today, by stepping forward have pledged a similar faith.

Some may argue that the principles set down in the Declaration of Independence have never been really achieved in this country - that while all men may have been created equal, they have not been allowed to live equally; that while they may have been allowed life and a certain degree of liberty, their pursuit of happiness has been merely a pursuit.

Some may argue that the ideals for which we fight now, those embodied in the Atlantic Charter and the Four Freedoms, are likewise impossible to achieve. Indeed, some men argue that Christianity itself has failed. They point to a world aflame with war, and they say that the principles that Christ taught are too high, that men will never live their lives according to his precepts.

The men who say these things may be right. Perhaps men throughout the world can never live according to those principles set forth in the Declaration of Independence, in the Four Freedoms, in the Atlantic Charter, in Christianity itself. But that does not mean we should throw these principles aside. They represent ideals and goals worth working for - worth fighting for. A world which casts away all morality and principle - l hopeless idealism, if you will, - is not a world worth living in. It is only by striving upward that we move forward.

For those who feel we have set our goal too high, let them consider the cause for which our enemies fight. Whatever their crimes, they cannot be accused of idealism. We say that all men are created equal. They deny it. They believe in the theory of the Master Race, in government by the elite – a government of a chosen few, by a chosen few, for a chosen few. We believe that man has certain inalienable rights. They say that man has no rights – he has duties. Only the State has rights. They fight for “lebensraum” – living room – living room for them – and for no one else. This may be realism – but if it is – of it, we want no part. Against it we will fight.

This war will not be easy. It may be very long. We have only begun to taste its hardships, and when it is over, all will not be green fields and rolling pastures. It is then that we will really face our greatest task. Now, our job is comparatively simple. We know our objective – the defeat of our enemies. After the war, the path will not be so clearly set. Weary of war, we may fall ready victims to post-war cynicism and disillusionment, as we did at the end of the last war. We had fought that war to make the world safe for democracy. Because it appeared that our victory might not be complete, that the world would not over-night become really safe for democracy, that we were not going to gain everything for which we had fought, we turned away from Europe in bitterness and lost completely our victory. Let not that happen again. Let us realize that the victory will be only half won when the fighting ends. We must finish the job in the years of peace that follow. Once more, we fight for a high cause. Once more, at the end of the fighting, we may find we have not won all that we had hoped. But let that not discourage and dishearten us.

Even if we may not win all for which we strive – even if we win only a small part – that small part will mean progress forward and that indeed makes our cause a worthy one.

Other men at other times have been willing to make great sacrifices for causes which have appeared difficult and sometimes impossible. We have received from them a heritage, some of it evil and bad, but more of it good. Now it has become our turn to renew that heritage, to give testimony to our belief in it.

The sacrifice is not too great. As young men, it is, after all, for our own future that we fight. And so with a firm confidence and belief in that future, let us go forward to victory.

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Joker Monologue - The Dark Knight

Do I really look like a guy with a plan, Harvey?

I don’t have a plan …

The mob has plans. The cops have plans.

You know what I am, Harvey? I am a dog chasing cars… I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it.

I just do things. I am just the wrench in the gears. I hate plans.

Yours, theirs, everyone’s. Maroni has plans. Gordon has plans.

Schemers trying to control their worlds.

I am not a schemer. I show the schemer how pathetic their attempts to control things really are.

So when I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know I am telling the truth.

I just did what I do best. I took your plan and turned it on itself.

Look what I have done to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets.

Nobody panics when the expected people gets killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plan is horrifying.

If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics. – because it’s all part of the plan.

But when I say that one little old mayor will die, everybody lose their minds.

Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order and everything becomes chaos.

I am agent of chaos.

And you know the thing about chaos Harvey?

“IT is FAIR.”

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Joker's Scars Story to Gambul

Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was...a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So - me watching - he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, "Why so serious, son?" Comes at me with the knife... "Why so serious?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face!" And... why so serious?

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Lenders

Y’know, New Yorkers aren’t the only people who eat Lenders Bagels.

Japanese: In Osaka, plenty people like Lenders Bagels!

Irish: Lenders could grace the tables of all the kings of Ireland.

German: Fresh, crisp, crunchy...the toast of Munich. Wunderbar!

Indian: The most favorite table bagel in all of Bombay...Exhilarating taste!

Moscow: In Moscow, without our Lenders on our tables, breakfast would be big disappointment to Czars.

France: In Paris, Left or Right Bank, it make no difference, breakfast with Lenders, c’est magnifique.

Italian: When Mamma cooked, she’d make the manicotti or the meatballs...but for dessert, we’d always have Lenders bagels! See what I mean? Try Lenders Bagels today, and learn what the rest of the world has known for years!

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Lindsay Olives

My son the olive, gives me such a pain! All my life all I wanted was the best for him, to be a Lindsay olive, a perfect olive! But would he listen to me? Nah. He's got to be a big shot all the time. Like when I told him, I said: " Hershey, stay in the sun, the sun is wonderful for you! But would he listen? No sir. Like when I caught him hanging out with a bunch of bad olives. I said: "Hershey, get away from them, you don't need them, you're a good olive! Do you think he listened to me? No! So when the Lindsay pickers came, I said: "Yoo hoo, yoo hoo, Mr. Lindsay picker! "Pick over there my son the big shot". Did they pick him? Nah, they don't want big shots. If he listened to me, by now he could have been a Lindsay olive.

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Lindsay Olives

My son, the olive, gives me such a pain! All my life all I wanted was the best for him, to be a Lindsay olive, a perfect olive! But would he listen to me? Nah. He’s got to act like a big shot all the time. Like when I told him, I said: “Hershey, stay in the sun, the sun is wonderful for you!” But would he listen? No, sir. Like when I caught him hanging around with a bad bunch of olives. I said: “Hershey, get away from them, you don’t need them, you’re a good olive!” Do you think he listened to me? No! So when the Lindsay pickers came, I said: “Yoo hoo, yoo hoo, Mister Lindsay picker! Pick over there my son, the big shot.” Did they pick him? Nah, they don’t want big shots. If he’d listened to me, by now he could have been a Lindsay olive.

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Lock, Stock and 2 Smokin Barrels - Opening Scene

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT
---------------------------------------------------------
This whole scene is shot using only extreme close-ups of eyes, cards, tapping fingers and mouths. We open on a bright pair of eyes. One is bruised and slightly swollen, but this does not detract from their clarity.
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Script (British accent)

Character: EDDY

"Three card brag is a simple form of poker; you are dealt only three cards and these you can't change.

If you don't look at your cards you're a `blind man' and you only put in half the stake.

Three of any kind is the highest you can get: the odds are four hundred and twenty-five to one. Then it's a running flush - you know, all the same suit running in order; then a straight, then a flush, then a pair, and finally whatever the highest card you are holding. There are some tell-tale signs that are valuable; I am not going to tell you them because it took me long enough to learn them, but these can only help a player, not make one.

So you want to play?"

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DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

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Long John Silver

“NO, not I,” said Silver. “Flint was cap’n; I was quartermaster, along of my timber leg. The same broadside I lost my leg, old Pew lost his deadlights. It was a master surgeon, him that ampytated me—out of college and all—Latin by the bucket, and what not; but he was hanged like a dog, and sun-dried like the rest, at Corso Castle. That was Roberts’ men, that was, and comed of changing names to their ships—ROYAL FORTUNE and so on. Now, what a ship was christened, so let her stay, I says. So it was with the CASSANDRA, as brought us all safe home from Malabar, after England took the viceroy of the Indies; so it was with the old WALRUS, Flint’s old ship, as I’ve seen amuck with the red blood and fit to sink with gold.”

Excerpt from "Treasure Island". By the Apple Barrel. Contributed by Richurd.

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Lord Of The Rings opening monologue

Galadriel: (speaking partly in Elvish)

(I amar prestar aen.)

The world is changed.

(Han matho ne nen.)

I feel it in the water.

(Han mathon ned cae.)

I feel it in the earth.

(A han noston ned gwilith.)

I smell it in the air.

Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged a master ring, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life.

One ring to rule them all.

One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring, but there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the very slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth. Victory was near, but the power of the ring could not be undone. It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father’s sword.

Sauron, enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was defeated. The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur, to his death.

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared another bearer.

It came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there it consumed him. The ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum’s cave, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of Power perceived its time had come. It abandoned Gollum, but then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire.

For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all.

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Lord Of The Rings Prologue Extended Version

The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live, will remember it.

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings, was bound the strength and the will to govern each race.

But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron,forged in secret, a master ring to control all others and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all.

One by one, the free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor and on the slopes of Moutn Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.

Victory was near but the power of the ring could not be undone. It was in this moment when all hope had faded that Isildore, son of the King took up his father's sword.Sauron the enemy of the free peoples of Middle Earth was defeated.

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Lou Gehrig farewell speech

A transcript of Lou Gehrig's iconic speech:

"Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I have been in ballparks for 17 years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of baseball's greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I'm lucky.

When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift — that's something. When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies — that's something. When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter — that's something. When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives so you can have an education and build your body — it's a blessing. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed — that's the finest I know.

So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for."

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Lucky Man-A Memoir by Micheal J. Fox

I woke to find the message in my left hand. It had me trembling. It wasn’t a fax, telegram, memo, or the usual sort of missive bringing disturbing news. In fact, my hand held nothing at all. The trembling was the message.

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Man hunted by Machine

I am hungry. I am tired.
I cant go out in the day, because it will see me.
I cant go out at night, because it will smell me.
I can hardly move, because it will sense me.
I am doomed. I know this for certain.
I should just go out and face the machine.
But I know if I do, it will mean certain death,
and I am not ready to die....today.

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Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman
And sometimes I might Ah
Bring my voice down like this
And Oh, I start to talk like Morgan Freeman
And Morgan will talk like that
And Oh he could talk about anything, really
Make it an interesting topic uh
Like to talk about this carpet for example
Oh, that carpet
The way it goes
From wall to wall
Just doin’ what it does
Multiple colors
I walk on you,
Sweet carpet
You keep my feet padded
When they’re
Bare
Oh I might stain you
From time to time
But uh
Oh that’s alright
You’ll always be a carpet to me

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Most Un-Interesting Man in the World

I am not the Most Interesting Man, I am the Most Un-Interesting man of the world. I don't always drink beer, but when I do. "I listen to Clint on KGB". Stay thirsty my girlfriends.

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MOVIE SCRIPT - Apocalypse Now (Robert Duvall)

Robert Duvall:

You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

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Movie Script - Jaws

Scene: Capt. Quint is below deck of his fishing boat talking with the other men about sharks:

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Capt. Quint (Robert Shaw):

You know the thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over and white and then, ah, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screaming. The ocean turns red and despite all the pounding and hollering, they all come in and they rip you to pieces.

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MOVIE SCRIPT - Lord of the Rings - Opening Monologue

Notes: First paragraph of the opening monologue to Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

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Galadriel:

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged a master ring in secret, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all.

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Movie Script: Network

Movie Script: Network

Heres an excerpt from the speech made by Howard Beale ( actor, Peter Finch)
If you need to see this scene, just go to You Tube.

I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to write your congressmen. Because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the defense budget and the Russians and crime in the street. All I know is first you got to get mad. You've got to say: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more. I'm a human being, dammit. My life has value." So I want you to get up now. I want you to get out of your chairs and go to the window. Right now. I want you to go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell. I want you to yell: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!"

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Muddyshoes Drabble - The Stolen Zebra

Notes: A 'drabble' is a story of exactly 100 words that contains a beginning, a plot and an ending. I wrote this for my writing Meetup group in 2008. I included this one in the 'character' script section because of the different voices involved. The name Mabatu below, is pronounced "Mah-BAH-Too."

- Muddyshoes

--------------

Script:

“Who stole my zebra,” asked Mabatu? “Not I,” said the ostrich, “For I have no hands to pull his rope.” “Not I,” said the old Lion, “for I was once kicked by a zebra’s mighty hooves.” Mabatu scratched his head, turned and looked toward the snake and asked, “Snake, did you steal my zebra?” The snake said, “Oh no, the zebra is much too big to fit into my home inside that old log. At last, Mabatu asked the medicine man, “Have you seen my zebra, old man?” The old man smiled innocently, shook his head “no”, and then burped.

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Narration by Windy

How did a guy named "Humphery bogart" come to be known as the greatest tough-guy in "Hollywood history? A wartime scuffle and a facial scar sure didn't hurt. It happened when "Bogart" was in the navy during "World War 1". He was escorting a handcuffed prisoner when the "P.O.W" smashed "Bogart" in the face and fled."Bogie was left with a scar that would define his tough-guy "Sam Spade" appearance.

Everyone knew the house on "Melody Lane" had been abandoned for many years. There were plenty of stories about why each one involving a "Ghost" of some kind. So one night the neighbors decided to do something about it.They would sneak in and spend the night inside and try to uncover the "Mystery of the House on Melody Lane"
(PS) I already was "Billed" for this. Thanks.(Windy)

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O'shaugnessy needs time off

Soon after O'Shaugnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaugnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. 'To be shure it was, Boss', he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No', replied O'Shaugnessy. 'I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the front office. This time when O'Shaugnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

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Optimus Prime speech

I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving autobots taking refuge among the stars: We are here. We are waiting.

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Popeye's New Orleans Style Cajun Chicken

Got a cravin’ for Cajun? Well, cher, I guarantee I know what’ll fix you up, and it’s only at Popeyes. New Orleans style fried chicken, cajun battered fries, and buttermilk biscuits. Love that chicken at Popeye’s.

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Razer Barracuda Ac-1

Well, Officer, you gotta understand, it was a wild night. There was a lot going on, and honestly, I wasn’t in the best condition to be a good witness, know what I’m saying? We’d just finished a tasting of our Rock Hollow Sextet. There were a lot of people there, and I’m sure they’d tell a lot of different stories. But I do know a few things for sure. One, the guy who ran had on a really great shirt. Two, I definitely heard the stolen files. Those mashups that guy was spinning, well, I’m pretty sure the RIAA never approved anything like that. And three, the crime couldn’t have happened without the Razer Barracuda AC-1. I know, it’s usually a gaming audio card. And a great one – I’m a fan myself. I mean, it supports DTS Neo:PC, DTS Interactive, Dolby Headphone, Dolby Digital Live, and Dolby Pro Logic IIx. That Razer Enhanced Sound Perception is pretty incredible at pinpointing kill zones, in awesome 7.1-channel, 24-bit sound. I don’t know why it’d get mixed up in something like this. But when I went up to it to get its autograph, it seemed different somehow. Wild. Out of control. Its passive EMI shield was drooping, and it had a crazy look on its HD-Dedicated Audio Interface. Maybe it had been drinking, I don’t know. Maybe it had been taking something stronger. All I can say is, it was pumping out those illicit remixes and leaked advances like it had a death wish. But, uh, hey, don’t tell the Razer Barracuda AC-1 I told you this, OK? A card with that kind of power, those kinds of connections – I just wouldn’t want to get on its bad side.

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Rocky Balboa (2006)

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!

Rocky Balboa
Speaking to his son in Rocky Balboa (2006)

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Seinfeld

The move to New York meant returning to his roots for Seinfeld, who was born April 29, 1954, in Brooklyn and raised in the Long Island town of Massapequa (which he has always joked was an old Indian name meaning “by the mall”). After graduating from Queens College, Seinfeld appeared at New York comedy spots while supporting himself with odd jobs, including selling lightbulbs over the phone and waiting tables at Brew and Burger. As his act grew more polished, he honed the wry observational style that was to become his trademark.

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Self-important Copy Editor

As a copy editor and writer since 1970, and creator of The California Style Book, I can tell you that many writers don't even worry about proper usage or spelling, so there is no loving "collaboration" to be enjoyed at any point. They think they can just hand you their mess, and you're expected to magically clean it up. Although in my case, I wrote the much improved rules, and they must follow them, or else. Writers are the troops and the editor is the commander. Even the editor-in-chief answers to me in this area, since his copy is usually pretty darn goofed up as well. Sloppy copy? Not on my watch!

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Seminole Sporting Goods

Hey, y’all, this is Bubba! Now, y’all like getting’ out in the woods, right?
Well, the folks down at Seminole Sporting Goods have got everything you need to make that happen.
They’ve got a full line of Polaris and Honda ATVs; just about any ATV accessory you could ever want; tons of fishing, hunting, and camping gear; and – to top it off – they’ve got the best prices in Central Florida! You need financin’ for that new ATV? Well… they got that, too.
Don’t take my word for it, though… stop on by and check ‘em out for yourself. They’re easy to find… they’re right there in the heart of downtown Geneva. Oh… and when you get there, tell ‘em Bubba sent ya!

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Shakespeare's Henry V, Act III, 1598

KING HENRY V:
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

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Shawshank Redemption

Get busy Livin’
Or get busy Dyin’
That’s God Damn right.
For the second time in my life
I’m guilty of committing a crime.
Parole violation.
Course I doubt they’ll throw up any road blocks for that.
Not for an old crook like me.
I find I’m so excited I can barely sit still
Or hold a thought in my head.
I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel.
A free man at the start of a long journey.
Whose conclusion is uncertain.
I hope I can make it across the border.
I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.
I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
I hope.

Contributed by Richurd

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Shawshank Redemption (After Andy's escape)

Red: [narrating] In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a man six hundred years to tunnel through the wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than twenty. Oh, Andy loved geology. I imagine it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big goddamn poster. Like I said, in prison a man will do most anything to keep his mind occupied. Turns out Andy's favorite hobby was totin' his wall out into the exercise yard, a handful at a time. I guess after Tommy was killed, Andy decided he'd been here just about long enough. Andy did like he was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. The guards simply didn't notice. Neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a mans shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.

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Shawshank Redemption -- Red

I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Andy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

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Shelter Pet Project

-Einstein (adopted 12-09-10):
"Sure, at first I was a little taken aback by the whole peeing standing up thing. But I taught him to throw a stick and now hanging out with him is the best part of my day."

-Announcer:
"A person is the best thing to happen to a shelter pet. Adopt. theshelterpetproject.org."

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Sir Quincy Peck Costume Contest Promo

Character Name:

Sir Quincy Peck, Ex-British Soldier, Occult Adventurer of the Apparition Abolishers
Information:

Soft pieces similar to a British soldier of the day include boots, pants, fancy button up shirt, dress jacket w/ tails, and pith helmet.

GEAR:

Gear is all found and repurposed objects. The Sonic Blunderbuss™ is designed to store, modify, amplify, and direct the voice of its owner, it can be tuned from a wide dispersal for a shotgun-effect down to pinpoint accuracy at great distance.To use the weapon, the owner speaks into the microphone at the trigger end of the device, articulating the words or phrases that are appropriate for the situation. The weapon stores those words and processes them into the relevant sonic projectiles (adding any necessary waveform modulation). When the trigger is pulled, the sound is presented with monumental amplitude from the business end of the blunderbuss, at great peril to those foolish enough to remain in its path. The Portable Power Pack is a crucial component designed to generate steam on demand for the Blunderbuss, as it would be impractical (nigh impossible) to include an adequate steam boiler within the weapon itself. The pack derives its power from a vertically-mounted Emeraldic Energy Extrapolator which provides the wattage to heat the water in the small boiler at the bottom of the rig. The steam can then be safely dispensed as needed to the other team members’s weapons and gear through the removable high-pressure injectors, shown hanging on the left of each pack in the photos. Samurai sword used for closer combat situations.
OTHER: Signature pieces include pipe, war ribbons, patches and medals on jacket, plus feather and goggles on the pith helmet. Famous for hunting and beheading the elusive wendigo in the Canadian wilds. The head is currently being kept alive via the Shelley Technique in the WACKEE (Wendigo Anatomic Conservation and Kinetic Equilibrium Enhancer). (If chosen, can send photos of the WACKEE for a larger accessory reference.)

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Soft Volume Reads (script collection)

Advil—Children’s (concerned parent)
She has a high fever. You know what it’s like to wait it out. When time counts, Children’s Advil relieves her fever fast. Faster than Children’s Tylenol, and lasts up to eight hours. Children’s Advil- Fights Fevers Faster.

Above the Influence (vulnerable confession)
I thought I respected myself. That is, until I saw myself get high. It's just an ugly side of myself that I didn't recognize. Saying and doing things that just weren't me. I do respect myself, that's why I don't do drugs.

Godiva Chocolate (playful tease)
Now everyone can get to heaven. Perhaps you’ve sinned once or twice. But when you indulge in the luscious richness of our delectable milk chocolate truffles, you too will experience your own little moment in heaven.

Foot Locker (internal motivation)
I trade sweat for strength. I trade sleep for sunrises. I trade doubt for belief. I trade my running for nothing. Achieve New Balance, Foot Locker.

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Something Wicked This Way Comes

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Not dead yet mister Halloway?
Come looking in my mirrors for another chance?
Shall I help you find it?
Would you know it if you saw it?
Here the mirror of the dreams of beauty.
Can Chrisetti tell you of incredible loves he’d never lived?
Over here!
See.
The mirror of riches beyond wishing.
Where Mr. Tetley is buried.
Halloway.
Look.
Look here for the great and famous.
Ed.
The barman hero of all the football years.
All his cheering crowds gone.
Here.
The looking glass of pride and ruined vanity.
Where wars of time are fought and lost.
And now this.
This is your class of darkness Mr. Halloway.
It’s name.
Regret.
It’s sum.
Dispair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99xj7JiA24k&feature=related

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St. Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V (1599) by William Shakespeare

WESTMORELAND. O that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those men in England
That do no work to-day!

KING. What’s he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we are mark’d to die, we are enough
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this feast,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man’s company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say “To-morrow is Saint Crispian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “These wounds I had on Crispian’s day.”
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb’red.
This story shall a good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

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Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith, Emperor Palpatine:

Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise, he coulduse the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side, he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew. Then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

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Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Supreme Leader Snoke: There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?

Kylo Ren: Yes.

Supreme Leader Snoke: The dark side, and the light. The droid you seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon in the hands of your father, Han... Solo.

Kylo Ren: He means nothing to me.

Supreme Leader Snoke: Even the Knights of Ren have never faced such a test.

Kylo Ren: By the grace of your training I will not be seduced.

Supreme Leader Snoke: We shall see, Kylo Ren. We shall see.

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Sterling Hayden

Wine eh! Beautiful sight isn’t it? eh! Two bottles of wine eh!? We should open one eh!? Should’nt we, Akar? Should we not open a bottle of wine, m!? And I think.. yeah.. eh!....eh!.... eh!....eh! Why not..Why not!.

Some days, eh… like you know, the last few days, eh! when I’m drinking hard eh! I look in that… that mirror up there and I think…Holy shit!…in one sense eh! But in another sense, I think, eh! yeah! You old fart eh!. That’s you eh! Go ahead…eh! Let her rip….let her rip.

Time…Time eh!….time…time eh! Stands as nearly still with him, as is compatible…which means eh! eh! you know eh! eh! practical m? and, some may think, baby I ain’t got no time to do nothing eh! you beautiful girl, eh! I aint got no time to… eh!..eh! I ain’t go no time to say hello to my friends….on my own ship m! I got to do one thing. I got to go eh! I got to haul m! And he hauled m!?

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Still Here by Florinda Evans

STILL HERE – PART 1

Written by Florinda Evans

I was just sitting here thinking about my life. It's a lot to think about because I've been around a long time. I never thought I would live this long, but here I am, still here. “Still amongst the living” (chuckle) as the saying goes. I have seen and heard so much in my lifetime. I 'recon I probably could have wrote a book—it would have made for some interesting reading.

I was born in Meridian, Mississippi on November 10th, 1912. I come from a family of six: My name is Jacob, but most folks just call me Jake. I worked all my life until I could't' t work no more, till “Old Arthur” set up in my bones and made it too painful for me to do much good. But I'm not complaining, because the Lord has been good to me!

I've been blessed with two wives, both of them special in their own way. My first wife, Sarah, died after us being married for only 5 years. She was as sweet pie, beautiful, quiet, and soft-spoken. We didn't have any children, although we tried. In fact, that's what killed her. She was in her fourth month, and lost the baby and her life. It darn near broke my heart and I was in pretty bad shape for awhile (sniffle). Yeah..

One day, years later, while visiting relatives, I, I was introduced to a woman named Jessie from up North. At first, (chuckle) (chuckle) she kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I had never met a woman from up North before, and they had some different kind of ways, so to speak. Anyway, it seemed like I kept running into Jessie from time to time-- at the store, church and other folks' houses, and before you know it, she was always on my mind. One day, with flowers and candy in hand, I went to her house where she was staying with her kinfolks, got down on one knee and asked for her for her hand in marriage. I darn near fainted (chuckle) when she said, “yes”. (cough) (wheezing) Now she was the total opposite of my first wife Sarah. While Sarah was somewhat shy, Jessie, on the other hand, (chuckle) was a “spitfire” and didn't mind speaking exactly what was on her mind, no, (chuckle) Ah Huh not at all (chuckle) (cough) . . .

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Take Out the Trash

There's never nothing going on.
If your looking with a clear mind.
Start with the past Dan.
Understand something.
There's nothing you can do to change it.
The past is completely out of your control.
Your up on the rings and you think,
last time I didn't do so good.
The past now has all your attention and concentration.
So, throw it out.
The same with the future.
Gee, I hope I really ace my dismount.
I really hope Joy and I get together.
The future now has your concentration.
You see?
So throw it out!
Take out the trash Dan.
The trash is the thing that is keeping you from the only thing that matters.
This moment.
Here and now.
And when you truly are in the here and now,
you'll be amazed at what you can do,
and how well you can do it.

Taken from “Peaceful Warrior” (2006)
Contributed by Richurd

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The Dumbfounded Dialer

You have reached the number you have reached. If you dialed this number please hang up and try again. If you did not dial this number and have picked up the phone, please hang up and call your psychiatrist. You're hearing voices again.

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The God Father (opening Scene)

That I cannot do.
I give you anything you ask.
We’ve known each other many years but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife was Godmother to your only child. But let’s be frank. You never wanted my friendship and, you were afraid to be in my debt.
I didn’t want to get into trouble.
I understand. You found paradise in America. You had a good trade, you made a good living, police protected you and there were courts of law and you didn’t need a friend like me. But, now you come to me and say, Don Corleone, give me justice. But you don’t ask for respect, you don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me God father. Instead you come into my house, on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me to do murder for money.
I ask for justice.
That is not justice. Your daughter is still alive.
Yes. But she is suffering. She suffers. How much shall I pay you?
Buena Sera. Buena Sera. Whatever have I done to make you treat me so disrespectfully. If you’d come to me in friendship, then this scum that wound you daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by chance, an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then he would look on my enemies, and then they will fear you.
Be my friend…God father.
Good. Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me, but until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.
Gracias.

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The Honey Baked Ham Bees

Bee 1: Hi we're bees.

Bee 2: And we're mad!

Bee 1: Here's the deal. You buy Honey Baked Ham.

Bee 2: You love Honey Baked Ham!

Bee 1: But here's our beef with this whole Honey Baked Ham thing.

Bee 2: Go ahead, tell 'em!

Bee 1: You talk about the spiral cut

Bee 2: Fine.

Bee 1: You talk about the three generations of traditions.

Bee 2: Also fine.

Bee 1: And you go way nuts over the great honey taste

Bee 2: And that, our human friends, is where the trouble begins.

Bee 1: Yeah, 'cause where did the Honey Baked Ham people get the idea for the great honey taste? HUH?

Bee 2: Yeah, where? FROM BEES! You MORONS!

Bee 1: But have you ever thanked a bee?

Bee 2: Have you ever gone up to a bee and said, "Hey, you bee, thanks for inspiring the great taste of Honey Baked Ham."

Bee 1: No, you haven't!

Bee 2: You never thanked us, yet you enjoy Honey Baked Ham on Holidays, at Super Bowl Parties, your kids graduation, birthdays...

Bee 1: Whatever!!! You love it. You enjoy it. But you never thank us.

Bee 2: And YOU wonder why... we STING!

ANNCR: Honey Baked Ham.... The Number One Ham in America!

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The House of Death Haunted House

Announcer 1:
It’s a dark, brisk night and Hallow’s Eve is near. You’re alone in your room, because you have no friends and smell weird, but are bored and want something exciting to do.

Kid:
Ba-ba-bee-bung I’m so bored and there’s nothing to do. I smell.

Announcer 1:
Told you! So why not get up off your stank bum and head on down to… The House of Death!

Announcer 2:
The House of Death is Kansas City’s scariest, most terrifying haunted house experience around. Featuring new rooms like the Insane Asylum, the Autopsy Room, and the Morgue of Madness. If you make it that far, then venture down the Hallway of Terror and see if you can survive the horror. The House of Death is located under the 12th Street Bridge by The Edge of Hell and The Beast. Gates open at 7 and close whenever the last victims crawl away. Group rates and discounts for parties of 10 or more. Go to your local grocer for discount coupons and come on out to The House of Death, where you’re guaranteed to soil yourself.

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The Jackass - Mark Twain

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
- Pudd'nhead Wilson
Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.
- Notebook, 1898
Contributed by Richurd

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The Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring - Opening Monologue

The world is changed. I feel it in th water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live, will remember it.

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings, was bound the strength and the will to govern each race.

But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the firs of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron, forged in secret, a master ring to control all others and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all.

One by one, the free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor and on the slopes of Moutn Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth. Victory was near but the power of the ring could not be undone. It was in this moment when all hope had faded that Isiadore, son of the King took up his father's sword. Sauron the enemy of the free peoples of Middle Earth was defeated.

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The Maltese Falcon

Movie Script : The Maltese Falcon ( scene between Humphrey Bogart & Sidney Greenstreet)

WILMER: Here he is, Mr. Gutman -- the guy who was talkin' to the dame and the Greek.

GUTMAN: Ah! Mr. Spade!

SPADE: (PLEASANTLY) Mr. Gutman.

GUTMAN: We begin well, sir. I distrust a man who talks too much.

SPADE: I like to talk.

GUTMAN: Of course, talking's something you can't do judiciously - unless you keep in practice.

SPADE: Yeah.

GUTMAN: Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. And I'll tell you right out that I'm a man [who] likes talking to a man who likes to talk.

SPADE: Swell. Will we talk about the black bird?

GUTMAN: You're the man for me, sir. No beating about the bush, right to the point. Let us talk about the black bird, by all means. Mr. Spade, have you any conception of how much money can be got for that black bird?

SPADE: No.

GUTMAN: Well, sir, if I told you -- if I told you half, you'd call me a liar.

SPADE: (WITH A CHUCKLE) No, no. Not even if I thought so. But you just tell me what it is and I'll figure out the profits.

GUTMAN: You mean you don't know what that bird is?

SPADE: Well, I know what it's supposed to look like. I know the value in human life you people put on it.

GUTMAN: Miss O'Shaughnessy didn't tell you what it is? And Cairo didn't, either?

SPADE: He offered me ten thousand for it.

GUTMAN: (SCOFFS) Ten thousand! (CHUCKLES) And dollars, mind you, not even pounds. (SERIOUS) They must know what it is. Or do they? What is your impression?

SPADE: I can't tell. They're both lying.

GUTMAN: If they don't know, I'm the only one in the whole wide, sweet world who does.

SPADE: Swell. When you've told me, that'll make two of us.

GUTMAN: Mathematically correct, sir. But I don't know for certain that I'm going to tell you.

SPADE: Oh, don't be foolish. You know what it is and I know where it is. That's why I'm here.

GUTMAN: Well, sir, where is it?

SPADE: (CHUCKLES) Don't be silly.

GUTMAN: You see, I must tell you what I know but you will not tell me what you know. That is hardly equitable, sir. No, no. I don't think we can do business along those lines.

SPADE: (SUDDENLY VIOLENTLY ANGRY) Yeah? Well, think again and think fast. I can get along without you! And keep that gunsel away from me while you're makin' up your mind! I'll kill him!

GUTMAN: Well, sir, I must say you have a most violent temper.

SPADE: Well, what are you wasting time for?! You've got till 5:30, then you're either in or out for keeps!

(Noir MUSIC)

SPADE: (NARRATES) Three characters and a black bird. Well, all I knew was, my partner was dead and the cops were getting very uncooperative about the whole see that O'Shaughnessy dame before it was too late. And, sure enough, it
almost was.

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The night before Christmas ByClement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!

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The Pied Piper by Robert Browning

Into the street the Piper stepped,
Smiling first a little smile,
As if he knew what magic slept
In his quiet pipe the while;
Then, like a musical adept,
To blow the pipe his lips he wrinkled,
And green and blue his sharp eyes twinkled
Like a candle flame where salt is sprinkled;
And ere three shrill notes the pipe uttered,
You heard as if an army muttered;
And the muttering grew to a grumbling;
And the grumbling grew to a mighty rumbling;
And out of the houses the rats came tumbling.
From street to street he piped advancing,
And step for step they followed dancing,
Until they came to the river Weser,
Wherein all plunged and perished!
You should have heard the Hamelin people
Ringing the bells till they rocked the steeple.

"Go," cried the Mayor, "and get long poles!
Poke out the nests and block up the holes!
Consult with carpenters and builders,
And leave in our town not even a trace
Of the rats!"—when suddenly, up the face
Of the Piper perked in the market-place,
With a, "First, if you please, my thousand guilders!"
A thousand guilders! The Mayor looked blue;
So did the Corporation too.
To pay this sum to a wandering fellow
With a gypsy coat of red and yellow!
"Beside," quoth the Mayor with a knowing wink,
"Our business was done at the river's brink;
We saw with our eyes the vermin sink,
And what's dead can't come to life, I think.
The Piper's face fell, and he cried
"No trifling! I can't wait, beside!
I've promised to visit by dinner-time
Bagdat, and accept the prime
Of the Head Cook's pottage, all he's rich in,
For having left, in the Calip's kitchen,
Of a nest of scorpions no survivor—
With him I proved no bargain-driver,
With you, don't think I'll bate a stiver!
And folks who put me in a passion
May find me pipe to another fashion."

Once more he stepped into the street;
And to his lips again
Laid his long pipe of smooth straight cane;
And ere he blew three notes (such sweet
Soft notes as yet musician's cunning
Never gave the enraptured air)
There was a rustling, that seemed like a bustling
Of merry crowds justling at pitching and hustling,
Small feet were pattering, wooden shoes clattering,
Little hands clapping and little tongues chattering,
And, like fowls in a farmyard when barley is scattering,
Out came the children running.

All the little boys and girls,
With rosy cheeks and flaxen curls,
And sparkling eyes and teeth like pearls,
Tripping and skipping, ran merrily after
The wonderful music with shouting and laughter.
The Mayor was dumb, and the Council stood
As if they were changed into blocks of wood,
Unable to move a step, or cry
To the children merrily skipping by—
And could only follow with the eye
That joyous crowd at the Piper's back.

But how the Mayor was on the rack,
And the wretched Council's bosoms beat,
As the Piper turned from the High Street
To where the Weser rolled its waters
Right in the way of their sons and daughters!
However he turned from South to West,
And to Koppelberg Hill his steps addressed,
And after him the children pressed;
Great was the joy in every breast.

"He never can cross that mighty top!
He's forced to let the piping drop,
And we shall see our children stop!"
When, lo, as they reached the mountain's side,
A wondrous portal opened wide,
As if a cavern was suddenly hollowed;
And the Piper advanced and the children followed,
And when all were in to the very last,
The door in the mountain-side shut fast.
Contributed by Richurd

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The Road To MANDALAY by Rudyard Kipling

BY the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea,
There's a Burma girl a-settin', and I know she thinks o' me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say:
"Come you back, you British soldier; come you back to Mandalay!"

Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay;
Can't you 'ear their paddles chunkin' from Rangoon to Mandalay,
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

'Er petticoat was yaller an' 'er little cap was green,
An' 'er name was Supi-yaw-lat—jes' the same as Theebaw's Queen,
An' I seed her first a-smokin' of a whackin' white cheroot,
An' a-wastin' Christian kisses on an 'eathen idol's foot:

Bloomin' idol made o' mud—
What they called the Great Gawd Budd—
Plucky lot she cared for idols when I kissed 'er where she stud!
On the road to Mandalay, etc.

When the mist was on the rice-fields an' the sun was droppin' slow,
She'd git her little banjo an' she'd sing "Kulla-lo-lo!"
With 'er arm upon my shoulder an' 'er cheek agin my cheek
We uster watch the steamers an' the hathis pilin' teak.

Elephints a-pilin' teak
In the sludgy, squdgy creek,
Where the silence 'ung that 'eavy you was 'arf afraid to speak!
On the road to Mandalay, etc.

Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', and it's there that I would be—
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea.

On the road to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings when we went to Mandalay!
Oh the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

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The Vampires Kiss

Beware the kiss of the living dead
It will leave you wanting
Hunger delays once he's fed
But soon restarts the hunting

Daylight breaks and brings the night
As deadly sleep takes over
And when the moon renews it's light
The corps-ed shell grows colder

A woman walking down the street
An invitation to dinner
She never hears the silent feet
That carry the deadly sinner

And as the fangs sink down deep
The hunter takes his prey
He prays the Lord her soul to keep
Then slowly backs away

Beware the kiss of the living dead
It will leave you wanting
Hunger delays once she's fed
But soon restarts the hunting

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TheGreat Clapper Caper

The Great Clapper Caper

(This was one of my favorite skits with Jack Webb and Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show) (If you remember Dragnet, Jack’s character had a deadpan look and sound, very serious)

Friday: This is the city. Los Angeles California.

Some people rob for pleasure.

Some rob because its there. You never know.

My names Friday, I’m a cop.

I was working the day watch, on a robbery, when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There’s been a robbery.

Man: There’s been a robbery.

Friday: Yes Sir, what is it?

Man: My clappers.

Friday: Your clappers?

Man: Yea, you know those things inside a bell that makes them clang.

Friday: The clangers.

Man: That’s right, but we call them clappers in the business.

Friday: A clapper caper.

Man: What’s that?

Friday: Nothing Sir. Now can I have the facts?

What kind of clappers was stolen on this capper?

Man: They were copper clappers.

Friday: And where were they kept?

Man: In the closet.

Friday: U huh. You have any ideas, who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?

Man: Well, once fired a man and he swore he’d get even.

Friday: What was his name?

Man: Claude Cooper.

Friday: You think he…….

Man That’s right ! That’s right! I think Claude Copper copped my copper clappers, kept in a closet.

Friday: Do you know where this Claude Cooper is from?

Man: Yea, Cleveland.

Friday: That figures that figures.

Man: What make it worse, they were clean.

Friday: Clean copper clappers?

Man: That’s right.

Friday: Why do you think Cleveland’s Claude Cooper, would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?

Man: Only one reason.

Friday: And what’s that?

Man: He’s a kleptomaniac.

Friday: Who first discovered that the copper clappers were copped?

Man: My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford.

Friday: That figures, now let me see if I have the facts straight here.

Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers, kept in a closet, were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now is that about it?

Man: One other thing.

Friday: What’s that?

Man: If ever I catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland, who copped my clean copper clappers that were kept in a closet.

Friday: Yes?

Man: I’ll clobber him.

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Think Different

Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules.
They have no respect for the status quo.
You can quote them.
Disagree with them.
Glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
They push the human race forward.
And while some may see them as the crazy ones.
We see genius.
It is the people who are crazy enough
to think they can change the world.
Are the ones who do.

Contributed by Richurd

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This...is my voice.

This... is my voice.

There is no music, and there are no sound effects... only the pure, clear sound, recorded for your ears.

I am a beginner voice over artist, a voice actor, a voice talent, and I can convey my message in many ways, in many tones and with many emotions.

I can speak in a very light whisper, to share an intimate message with you. Or my voice can boom deeply, demanding respect from those who are listening. My voice can express sympathy to someone who has just experienced a great loss, or it can reflect the happiness one feels after having accomplished something great!

I sit (or stand) before this tube constructed of metals, of plastics, of wires and of silicon, which listens patiently to me, as if it were alive, like a mistress, hour after hour, day after day, and night after night. It never judges me, however it is a reflection of me... one which is neither vengeful, nor forgiving.

I am a voice actor...and this is my voice.

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Vendetta's Speech

Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke.
But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat.
There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission.
How did this happen?
Whos to blame?
Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler.
He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent.
Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives.
So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.

Contributed by Richurd

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Vin Scully type baseball call

Announcer- So with the count full at what will probably be his final little
league at bat.......hopes for the long dreamed of home run are fading
fast for the diminutive Paul Croshaw.........Rogers with the
pitch........its tagged down the left field line and this one has a
chance........fading.....foul..............Croshaw may not get another
perfect pitch like that....right down the middle of the
plate...............here comes Rogers again.......and it's popped up...

Announcer- Hold your horses....this ball just took off.....do you believe in miracles.....Yes!.......in the final game of the season comes the biggest surprise of the season......oh my....

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Vita est Lavorum

Whata we used to think was
whena you die
The soul leavesa the body.
Itsa kinda like a little bubble ina Seven Up
You know
it justa goesa shootin’ upa there.

And we usta think
There wasa different levels in heaven.
Anda dependin how Holy you are.
The lighter the soul is.
So if, you know, you’re a real good a very very a nicea person
You cana goa way way upa high
And be witha God
Anda other nicea people likea youself.
And if youra real, real bada person,
Your soul mighta justa raise a lika four feet.
You mighta have to spend eternity
Hangin around the grill of some cheapa restaurant.
Anda thatsa foevever. Forever.
I know some priests they say forever, and ever.
I really don’t think the “and ever” isa necessary.
Forever, really kinda covers it you know.
Forever meansa forever, what do you want.
Forever, Forever.
Well, we found outa that’s a nota true.
There are no levels in heaven.
We found outa the truth
Froma something called the factum aletter
happened ina 19a17
there wasa this miracle in a Portugal
anda these three little aPortugesesa kids
They was givena thisa letter
And they was told
Give the letter to the Pope
And tell him don’t open it tilla 19a60
What it was about was the secret of life
What happens to you when you die
All that stuff.
Anda what ita said
Right at the top,
Big capital letters,
Said -- Vitem -- Est – Lavorum.
That means “Life -- Is – A Job”.
Thatsa why, you know, you thinka life is a so harda
So difficulta most of the time.
Thats cause itsa job,
whata you want,
it’s justa work.
That’s what it’s about,
And ita said that each of us is getting paid
$14a50 aday.
That’s our wages a $14a50 aday.
And what happens to you when you die
The soula does leavea the body.
And then you see yourself going down
Thisa long, long, long darka tunnel
And your whole life flashes before you.
From the day you wasa born till the day you die.
Then
You come to the end of the tunnel,
And God is there awaitin for you.
And he looks you straight in the eye,
And then,
He pays you.
You see, he knows you wasa comin,
He’sa likea phsycic
He knowsa everything.
And he figured it all up in advance.
$14a50 times the number of days
You was alivin
And he gives you all thisa money.
And you got all thisa money in front of you.
And then,
He starts going over all of your sins.
And you have to pay for your sins.
Maybe you hearda that expression
You know, you have to pay for your sins.
Thatsa the Truth.
We do have to Pay for our sins.
In cash.
Itsa casha deal.
Itsa likea maybe when you was a little kid
Maybe stole a bag of potato chips.
That might be like six dollars afine.
Gotta give him backa six dollars.
Lying, everytime you lie ten dollars.
Ten, ten, ten, ten,ten,ten,ten.
Justa shell it out, every single alie ten dollars.
Ten.
Murder
Athatsa the worst one.
One hundred thousand dollars.
Masturbation.
I don’t know.
Twenty-five athirty-fivea cents would be my guess.
That’sa cheapa sin.
But it cana mounta up.
You know, aperiod of time.
thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-five.
Well, if you have enougha money,
To pay off alla you sins,
Then, you get to go to heaven.
But, if you don’t have enough,
Then you have to go back and bea born again.
It’sa kinda like goin’a back to work after a little vacation.
Somea real abada people, likea Mafioso types
Might have to spenda four or fivea lifetimes as nuns
Justa makin’ upa for it.
Most nuns are former Mafioso,
I don’t know if you know that.

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W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Contributed by Richurd

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Wean Yourself

Mevlâna Jalâluddîn Rumi translated by Coleman Barks

Wean Yourself

Little by little, wean yourself.
This is the gist of what I have to say.

From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunter of more invisible game.

Think how it is to have a conversation with an embryo.
You might say, "The world outside is vast and intricate.
There are wheatfields and mountain passes,
and orchards in bloom.

At night there are millions of galaxies, and in sunlight
the beauty of friends dancing at a wedding."

You ask the embryo why he, or she, stays cooped up
in the dark with eyes closed.

Listen to the answer.

There is no "other world."
I only know what I've experienced.
You must be hallucinating.

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Words of Encouragement

[clears throat]

This is your life.
Understand that it’s yours.

It’s easy to feel adrift

Be focused.

The path may seem narrow
But it will unfold in many directions

Don’t fear the unknown
Choose the doors to open.

Be focused

Life will give you chances
It will put big things within your reach

Stretching for them will be draining
Persevere

Be brave
Meet life head on, the light and the dark.

This is your life
Embrace the time you have

You are marvelous
This is your world

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Yogurt

Yogurt
by Michael Fremer
(from memory - this appears on his album "I Can Take a Joke")

Man: Excuse me, ma'am, do you like yogurt?

Woman: Yuck! I think yogurt tastes like baby's throw-up!

Man: Well, here, try some of this chalky white stuff in a cup.

Woman: Hmmm... Looks like yogurt, smells like yogurt - sure glad I didn't step in it - tastes delicious! What is it?

Man: What if I told you you just ate and liked yogurt?

Woman: You're kidding!

Man: Yes, I am kidding. That cup is full of baby's throw-up.

Woman: Bleagh!

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