The Voice Over Practice Script Library

A Poem by Shel Silverstein

Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
and he didn't leave much to Ma and me,
just this old guitar and a bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him because he run and hid,
but the meanest thing that he ever did was
before he left he went and named me Sue.

Well, he must have thought it was quite a joke,
and it got lots of laughs from a lot of folks,
it seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
and some guy would laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue.

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean.
My fist got hard and my wits got keen.
Roamed from town to town to hide my shame,
but I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honky tonks and bars and kill
that man that gave me that awful name.

But it was Gatlinburg in mid July and I had
just hit town and my throat was dry.
I'd thought i'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon in a street of mud
and at a table dealing stud sat the dirty,
mangy dog that named me Sue.

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
from a worn-out picture that my mother had
and I knew the scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old
and I looked at him and my blood ran cold,
and I said, "My name is Sue. How do you do?
Now you're gonna die." Yeah, that's what I told him.

Well, I hit him right between the eyes and he went down
but to my surprise he came up with a knife
and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair
right across his teeth. And we crashed through
the wall and into the street kicking and a-gouging
in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell you I've fought tougher men but I really can't remember when.
He kicked like a mule and bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laughin' and then I heard him cussin',
he went for his gun and I pulled mine first.
He stood there looking at me and I saw him smile.

And he said, "Son, this world is rough and if
a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
and I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
So I gave you that name and I said 'Goodbye'.
I knew you'd have to get tough or die. And it's
that name that helped to make you strong."

Yeah, he said, "Now you have just fought one
helluva fight, and I know you hate me and you've
got the right to kill me now and I wouldn't blame you
if you do. But you ought to thank me
before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit
in your eye because I'm the nut that named you Sue."
Yeah, what could I do? What could I do?

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun,
called him pa and he called me a son,
and I came away with a different point of view
and I think about him now and then.
Every time I tried, every time I win and if I
ever have a son I think I am gonna name him
Bill or George - anything but Sue.

Abbott: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: Funny names?

Abbott: Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Abbott: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: You know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, then who's playing first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The fellow playin' first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first base.

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: Well, what are you askin' me for?

Abbott: I'm not asking you--I'm telling you. Who is on first.

Costello: I'm asking you--who's on first?

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So who gets it?

Abbott: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's wife?

Abbott: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Costello: Who does?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: St. Louis has a good outfield?

Abbott: Oh, absolutely.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field?

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: Stay out of the infield! The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because.

Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

Costello: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Wouldn't this be a fine team w i t h o u t a pitcher?

Costello: Tell me the pitcher's name.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball--me being a good catcher--I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now, that's he first thing you've said right.

Costello: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Abbott: Don't get excited. Take it easy.

Costello: I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow--a triple play.

Abbott: Yeah, it could be.

Costello: Another guy gets up and it's a long ball to center.

Abbott: Because.

Costello: Why? I don't know. And I don't care.

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said, I DON'T CARE!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!

I'm five years old, and my mommy says that I can get a new bicycle for my birthday, and then, I'm gonna be six.

I just turned 10 today. I got this new game for my X-Box. It's pretty cool I guess. I should have it beat by tomorrow.

I'm 16, dude. Goin' out with Brittney tonight. She's pretty hot, but she talks a lot. Hold on, she's texting me now.

It's my 25th birthday. Hard to believe I'm a quarter century old. I've got another job interview tomorrow. I've been trying to get that supervisor position at the office, then I'm one step away from managing the place. Keep your fingers crossed. Oh, did I tell you? We have another baby on the way!

I'm 40 today, I can't believe it. I still feel like I'm 25. They say that 40 is when your vision starts to go and I think they're right. I just hired this guy as a new supervisor. Seems really ambitious. Reminds me of ME, 15 years ago.

55, wow. Mentally, I'm still like a teenager. My body has a few aches and pains but nothing too bad if I just get out and exercise more. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm gonna go ahead and join AARP.. if nothing else, for the discounts. Might as well take advantage of it, eh? I've been thinking about starting a different career. I'm about done with the corporate life. Just have some different priorities now. I have three beautiful grandchildren, and one more on the way!

It's my 65th birthday. Another friend from high school died today. It's starting to happen more frequently. We spent a lot of time together back then. He was the one who ended up marrying Brittney. Can you believe they were together almost 50 years? Wow, how time flies. Whenever I pass by the old high school, I think of all the memories there. My great grandchild, Devin starts there next week. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family.

I'm 80 today. I'm not as chipper as I once was, but I can get around. I don't drive much anymore, but mostly catch up on gardening when the weather is nice. They say I'm starting to forget things, but I think they just don't trust me to take care of myself. In truth, I do need a hand now and then. I do wish the kids would call more often, I mean I am their only father. But I know they're busy with families of their own.

Today I'm 100. I don't feel older...I mean, mentally. Physically, I am tired. I walk with a cane and have fallen a couple times lately. Been trying to eat right still, and watch my blood sugar. Have to be fit and nimble for the ladies.. Heh, heh.. *cough*. I try not to spend too much time thinking about the old times. The memories and all. Everyone I knew in school has passed on. Two of my children are gone. It's just not fair for parents to bury their children. *sniffle*. Well, I suppose that's all I want to talk about today. Not much of a birthday when the ones you love and miss the most aren't around to share it with you. It's tough getting old...it really is.

We don't cotton to your kind coming around here, Mr. Big City Hypnotist! Always waving your watch in front of other people's faces, snapping your fingers, and expecting folks to be doing things you tell them to do. It just ain't right! You're gonna regret the day you ever came into this here town, old son. Now I'm gonna go and get my two brothers and we're gonna come on back with our shotguns and teach you a lesson....

(finger snap!)

But first you're gonna come on into the house where my wife is gonna make you a dinner with all the finest fixin's my farm can provide. I'm even gonna get you a porterhouse steak from one of my finest cows. By the time we're done with you, you ain't never gonna want to come back to this here town, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

Well looky what we got here. Mr. Big City Hypnotist done come into our town all dressed in his fancy tuxedo. I'm willing to bet you is one o'them there funny boys from the west coast, now ain't ya? Thinkin' you can come in here and wave your hands in people's faces, make 'em quack like a duck! Your kind really tears my hide! Now I'm gonna give you fifteen minutes to head out into them there woods behind ya before I gits my hunting rifle and my dogs out the pen......

(finger snap!)

First thing I'm gonna do though, is sign over this here pink slip for my brand new 4x4 flat bed truck you was admiring. Then I'm a gonna git down on my knees and beg you to let me fill that there tank with free gas! Weee doggie! I'm gonna have some fun showing you just who's boss round these parts, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

I just can't understand why you and your kind think y'all is so high and mighty, Mr. Big City Hypnotist! All that there magic taint notin' but fancy engineering what's sposed to make ordinary folks think you is some kinda magician. Taint nothing but trickery, shadows and light's all 'tis. Y'know jus cuz we lives out here in the brush, don't means we is dumb as a fence post! You just wait right here, son. Imma get the towns people together and were gonna run you out of this town on a rail!

(finger snap!)

But first you is gonna elope with my 19 year old daughter, and in the morning, when you is long gone, we aint gonna remember your name, or your face, or where you ever came from, Mr. Big City Hypnotist!

Big City Hypnotist.
A new series this fall on Comedy Central

(Note: This 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script. Just wanted to write something quick with some emotion and sound effect challenges for the wonderfully talented folks here.. :)

Scene: 2 big, fat bullfrogs on a log, 'bout near sunset in a swamp down near Pigsuckle Holler... Wearin' straw hats if'n you imagine 'em to:

--------------

Bub: Hey, Luther?

Luther: Yeah Bub...

Bub: Uh, Don't look now but Betty-Lou's comin' this a-way.

Luther: (Distressed) Uh oh ... she smilin' or scowlin'?

Bub: Oh, she's a scowlin, like a hound dog that ain't had no supper. Better go hide under that patch o' cat tails.

(Splashing noise)

Betty-Lou: LUTHERRRRRRRRRRR! Where you at you ole bug-eyed toad!?

Bub: I ain't seem 'em Betty Lou,

Betty-Lou: Well I don't 'spose you'd tell me if you did now, would you?

Bub: You know me, Betty-Lou, I don't like to mix with no family squabbles.

Betty-Lou: Well you tell 'em when you see 'em that I had to go to momma's, and i'll be back 'round midnight ... you hear?

Bub: Alright, Betty-Lou, I'll let 'em know.

(flopping noises from a jumping frog moving away)

Luther: (whispers) She gone? I hope she don't hear me.

Betty-Lou: (From a distance) LUTHERRRRR!!!!!, I knew you was there, I'm gonna tan your hide!

Luther: Uh Oh... (Splash and fast swimming noises...going away from mic.)

(Note: This 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script. Ole Bub and Luther done won themselves a trip tuh Disney World. It'll be their first trip outta Swamp Holler, but first, they gotta git their truck packed before the big storm comes!

Scene: 2 big, fat bullfrogs outside their stump, packin' Luther's beat up ole pickup truck.

-----------------

(Open with noises that sound like an ole bullfrog packing the bed of an ole, rusty antique pickup truck, whatever that sounds like...)

Bub: Hey Luther?

Luther: Yeah Bub, HEY watch out, you're steppin' on my flipper!

Bub: Oh, Sorry Luther, I'm just all excited about our trip! Wow... We's goin' tuh Disney World, I didn't think we'd ever leave Swamp Holler!

Luther: Well, I ain't never thought so neither. Hey, they say ole Mr. Toad done got himself his own... ride there, or some kinda thing. Right in the middle o' Disney World!

Bub: (excited) Is that a fact?!? Ooh, I'm gonna get one o' them mouse-ear hats, you know where they sew your name in...

(Crashin' noise of somethin' breakin')

Luther: (sound of a swarm of flies) Dang it Bub, will ye watch it, That was our breakfast! and they're all gittin' away.. (buzzing sound dies out and is gone.)

Bub: Shucks, sorry Luther. I was just gittin' excited and all.

(A bicycle rides up and makes one o' them ding-a-ling noises those handlebar bells makes)

Sally: (flirty tone) Heeeeey boys.. Heard ye all are goin' to see Mr. Toad, wow, wish I was goin'!

Bub: (shy squeak of a voice) Uh.. Hi there Sally .. (clears throat) how... how are ye doin? Ye sure look prettier than a bottle o' perfume down at Pickledingers Drug Store.

Sally: Awe, thank you Bub. (light footsteps and then the sound of a kiss on Bub's cheek).

(Another crashin' noise of something breakin' followed by another sound of escaping bugs)

Luther: Dagnabit, Bub. there goes our lunch now. We ain't gonna have no food left if'n you keep lettin' it all out!

Bub: (nervous) Heck, I'm sorry Luther.. Sally, I'm a sorry, but we really gots ta finish packin', I'll bring ye back something, hear?

Sally: (gets back on bike and in a flirty tone says) Ok Bub, See ya later, boys... (Bike bell noise from a distance)

Luther: I think ole Sally's sweet on you there, Bub.. Hee, HEE!!

Bub: (embarrassed) Oh, stop it, Luther... we's just friends, that's all

Luther: (teasing) Bub and Sally sitting on a frond, croakin' like lovers in the middle of the pond....

Bub: Awe stop it, Luther.

Luther: Ok, ok.

(Thunder noise in the distance...)

Luther: Hey Bub?

Bub: Yeah, Luther.

Luther: We better hit the road, there's a storm comin' and we got a long drive ahead of us. Don't wanna git caught in it.

Bub: Don't chew worry, Luther. We're gonna git there faster 'n greased lightnin'and we'll be juuuuust fine. What could possibly go wrong?

----------------

End of Part 1

Note: This 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script and it is going to be tricky, because you folks have proven there are some super talented voices out there, and I know you are up to the challenge. I've written this script to have something very unique... a voice over, WITHIN a voice over! What is ole Muddyshoes talkin' about you ask?

Well ole Bub and Luther... (hopefully you know who they are at this point,) are gonna turn on the radio in ole Luther's truck and hear an advertisement on the radio at some point during this script. This means, you will need to record an additional short voice over, and apply effects to make it sound like it's coming from an old AM radio, and THEN insert that into the main script.

This short script will be listed as 'Script 1' below. The rest of the script will be listed as 'Script 2.' Make sense? Ok.. here goes!

--------------

Scene: Ole Bub and Luther done won themselves a trip tuh Disney World, if'n ye can believe it! They just hit the road after packin' and sure as a flapjack has two sides, it started tuh thunderin' and rainin'. Some luck, huh? Here is Script 1 below. Make sure to record it as if it sounds like it's from an AM radio playing inside Luther's truck and insert it into Script 2 where noted.

"This here's Big Wally Willoughby for AM 1600, WRBT Radio in Swamp Hollar... 'RIBBIT RADIO!" Friends, is your skin too smooth? Not enough warts? Well try "Warts New" today and never be mistaken for a salamander again. Warts New...on sale now at Pickledingers drug store, in downtown Swamp Hollar."

--------------

Script 2 (Main):

(Scene opens with rain sounds as heard from inside a driving vehicle. Extra points if you can also find a windshield wiper sound for the background. )

(Loud thunder sound)

Bub: You hear that Luther? It's a still rainin'! At least it's slowin' down a bit.

Luther: Yeah, you ain't kid...

(Sudden tire screeching noise.)

Bub: Dang, Luther, you better slow down some. You're swervin'! You know them tires o yours are 'bout as bald as ole Betty-Sue.

Luther: (Luther chuckles and then says) Yeah...you're right, Bub. Well at least the rain is stoppin'.

Bub: Hey Luther, put on the radio, It'll make the trip seem shorter.

(Insert sound of radio being tuned in. After this effect, INSERT SCRIPT 1 from ABOVE).

Bub: Dang, just one of them commercials. You know, them commercial talkin' folks must have the best jobs in the world...bein' paid tuh just talk, talk, talk, ye know?

Luther: Yeah, they should try and WORK for a livin'! (Luther and Bub both chuckle... and then) Uh oh...

Bub: What's wrong, Luther?

(Police siren)

Luther: Awe dang, Bub, why'd you have to ask "what could possibly go wrong before we left?"

Bub: Sorry Luther, don't you worry none, it'll be juuuuust fine.

(Tapping noise on window)

Luther: Yes, officer? What kin I do for ye?

Officer Toadstool: You know you was swervin' back there?

Luther: (apologetically) Uh yes, officer, I..

Officer Toadstool: You know I could give ye a ticket, right?

Luther: (apologetically) Uh yes, officer, I'm really sor...

Officer Toadstool: Say wait a second... Aren't you those boys that done won that trip tuh Disney World?

Luther: (Relived and proud) Why yes.. yes we are!

Officer Toadstool: That means you boys prolly know that low down scoundrel that's tryin' tuh move in on my Sally!

Bub: Gulp

Luther: (Nervous...) Uh, No...can't think o' nobody like that... Sorry, officer.

Officer Toadstool: (Matter of factly in an angry voice...) Cause I'm gonna pulverize that frog when I find him!

Bub: Gulp (Mutters to himself) Good golly... and she's 'spectin' me to bring her something from Disney World... Oh my...

Officer Toadstool: Well... seein' as ye ain't caused no harm, I'm gonna let ye off with a warnin'.

Luther: (VERY relieved and thankful) Well thank you, officer, thank you. And we'll be careful from now on.

(Slight pause and then motorcycle pulling away)

Bub: Hey Luther?.... Uh... Luther?

Luther: Huh? Oh ... yeah Bub?

Bub: That was a close one... I'm in trouble now.... He's gonna kill me! (Gulp) Well, no sense worryin' till we get back. You want I should drive? We're almost there.

Luther: Nah.. I'm good. (truck starting up) Don't you worry, Bub. You'll be just fine. Hey you wanna listen to the radio?

Bub: No thanks, Luther. Prolly just more of them talkin' heads goin' on about A-1 Steak Sauce or somethin. We's almost there anyway.

(End... Part II)

(Note: This second installment of a 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script.)

Scene: 2 big, fat bullfrogs in the Shoe Fly Market... you know, the one down on Wig Willow Way? Bub and Luther are shoppin' up some grub when... well... you'll see...

-------------

Bub: Hey, Luther?

Luther: Yeah Bub...

Bub: You want I should bring you a buggy? That pile you're carryin's 'bout as tall as you are.

Luther: (grunting noise) Naw, Bub.. I ... I... I.... GOT...

(CRASHING NOISE)

(Slow baby crying noise that starts nearby and quickly escalates into a loud, screaming crying noise!!)

Bub: Uh Oh...

Fanny Sue: LUTHER BUGTUSSLE! You done woke little Billy!

Luther: (hat in hand, looking down, ashamed, says mumbled and apologetically) Yes, Fanny Sue...

Fanny Sue: You know it takes more 'n a handful of grub worms to keep that boy quiet once he gets to goin!

Luther: (still embarrassed) Yes 'm

Bub: (whispering..) Hey Luther?

Luther: (whispering back) Yeah Bub...

Bub: That Billy is one UGLY tadpole

Luther: (tries to be quiet. but says) Yeah...He wasn't just hit with the ugly stick, he was hit with the whole darned tree!

Luther and Bub together: (Both try to hide their snickerin' and gigglin')

Fanny Sue: You're both 'bout to get a whippin! Yer just lucky lil' Billy's startin' to settle down!

Luther: Yes'm .. Really sorry 'bout that, Fanny Sue...

Fanny Sue: Well... see that you mind yer manners, hear? HRMPH!! (footsteps walking away...)

Luther: (Sighing noise...) Hey, Bub?

Bub: Yeah, Luther

Luther: Help me load up my arms again...

Bub: Alright..

(Sound of things being picked up and put back into Luther's arms..)

Bub: Uh, Luther.. you want I should bring you a buggy?

Luther: Nah.. I'm good...

(Crashing Noise... Following by loud Baby Crying, followed by,..)

Fanny Sue (From a distance...) LUTHERRRRRR!

Bub and Luther Together: Uh oh....

We know your heart was in the right place, Douglas, but we’ve got to let you know: those last few Viking parties of yours have been a little on the foobish side. It isn’t just the visible seams on the chintzy plastic helmets, or the bath mats repurposed as loin cloths. It’s the booze. Face it, no matter how bejeweled the wrought-iron chalice you pour it into, cheap sangria is cheap sangria. But take heart, for hope joins the battle! This highly-rated, award-winning Chaucer’s Mead Trio delivers yesterday’s taste today, bringing an earthy authenticity to any pageant, feast, or faire, including the uninspiring likes of your Viking parties. And don’t worry – just because it’s named after Chaucer doesn’t mean it’s made in England. This be Calyfornyae wyne, goode sirre. And now, Douglas, your bottles three! You’ll get two bottles of Chaucer’s Mead, a distinctively rich dessert-style wine blended from three different types of honey: floral-smelling orange blossom honey, spicy toyon honey (toyon’s a member of the sage family), and dark, amber-hued alfalfa. It would’ve been easier for Chaucer’s Cellars to add artificial flavorings, colorings, or concentrates. But they didn’t need gimmicks like that in the original Chaucer’s day. If pure fermented honey was good enough to lighten the way on the pilgrimage to Canterbury, it’s good enough for us. You will find a titch of trickery about the odd mead out here – Chaucer’s Raspberry Mead – but only of the mildest sort. This fruity variation on a honeyed theme is made by adding a splash of Chaucer’s Raspberry Wine (15%) to the aforementioned Chaucer’s Mead (85%). Don’t get your breeches in a bunch, traditionalists. People’ve been mixing up mead and fruity wine for so long, there’s even a name for it: Melomel. Less sweet than regular mead and less regular than sweet mead, Chaucer’s Raspberry Mead will make you holler “Forsooth!” So raise high the goblet, Douglas, for tonight we drink mead! Yep, that’s what we’ll say a few weeks from now, after our Chaucer’s Mead Trio arrives.

Narrator: The office of the Police Commissioner of Midland City.
Commissioner: Yes, come in.
Benton Harbor: Ah, Commissioner?
Commissioner: What? Oh, yes I am.
Benton Harbor: My name is Benton Harbor.
Narrator: He carries in his right hand, a large suitcase.
Commissioner: Put down your large suitcase Mr. Harbor, and tell me what I can do for you.
Benton Harbor: Monday through Friday Commissioner, I am regularly employed as a shoe salesman for a large downtown department store.
Commissioner: Yes.
Benton Harbor: However, my weekends will be free and therefore I will be available to you as the most fantastic crime fighter the world has ever known.
Commissioner: And you will be known as?
Benton Harbor: I will be known as Chickenman.
Commissioner: Miss Hellfinger, please bring your notepad and pencil and
come into my office immediately.
Miss Hellfinger: Yes sir.
(Door)
Commissioner: Thank you for coming so quickly. Miss Hellfinger this is Mr. Benton Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Hello Miss Harbor.
Miss Hellfinger: No, I’m Miss Hellfinger, you’re Mr. Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Oh yes, how do you do?
Commissioner: Please take a note Miss Hellfinger that Mr. Harbor will be available on weekends to fight crime as….
Miss Hellfinger: Yes
Commissioner: Chickenman.
Miss Hellfinger: Chickenman?
Benton Harbor: Chickenman.
Narrator: Benton Harbor opens the large suitcase. He removes from it a strange costume covered with tiny feathers immediately he begins climbing into it.
Benton Harbor: Would eh somebody give me a hand, please.
Miss Hellfinger: Of course.
Commissioner: Certainly.
Benton Harbor: Just hold up the left wing, please, that’s it fine, there you go.
Commissioner: Miss Hellfinger we’ll need to know how to get in touch with Mr. Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Now the right wing.
Miss Hellfinger: May I have your phone number Mr. Harbor?
Benton Harbor: Of course, watch the feathers please. My phone number is
Narrator: Wellllll, born this day in midland city, the white winged warrior,
who will strike terr-or into the hearts of criminals everywhere
Benton Harbor: Would somebody want to get my zipper back there please?
Miss Hellfinger: Yes, of course.
Benton Harbor: oop, watch it back there.

C.W. MCCALL
"Convoy"
(C.W. McCall, Bill Fries and Chip Davis)
Yeah, breaker one nine
This here's the Rubber Duck
You got a copy on me Pig Pen, c'mon
Uh, yeah, Ten-Four Pig Pen, fer sure, fer sure
By golly it's clean clear to Flag Town, c'mon
Yeah, its a big Ten-Four there Pig Pen
Yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy
Mercy sakes alive, looks like we've got us a convoy
It was the dark of the moon
On the sixth of June
And a Kenworth pullin' logs
Cab over Pete with a refer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We was headin' for bear
On 'I-1-0
'Bout a mile out Shakey Town
I says, Pig Pen this here's the Rubber Duck
And I'm about to put the hammer down
'Cause we got a little 'ole convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a little 'ole convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight
C'mon and join our Convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the USA
Convoy
Convoy
Yeah, breaker Pig Pen this here's the Duck
And uh, you wanna back off them hogs
Uh, ten-four 'bout five mile or so
Ten-Roger them hogs is gettin' intense up here
By the time we got into Tulsa Town
We had eighty-five trucks in all
But they's a road block up on the clover leaf
And them bears was wall to wall
Yeah, them smokies as thick as bugs on a bumper
They even had a bear in the air
I says, callin' all trucks
This here's the Duck
We about to go a huntin' bear
'Cause we got a little 'ole convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a great big convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight
C'mon and join our Convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the USA
Convoy
Convoy
Uh, you wanna give me a ten-nine on that Pig Pen
Uh, negatory Pig Pen you're still too close
Yeah, them hogs is startin' to close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes, you'd better back off another ten
Well, we rolled up Innerstate fourty-four
Like a rocket sled on rails
We tore up all of our swindel sheets
And left 'em settin' on the scales
By the time we hit that Shy Town
Them bears was a gettin' smart
They'd brought up some reinforcements
From the Illinois national guard
There's armored cars and tanks and jeeps
And rigs of every size
Yeah, them chicken coops was full of bears
And choppers filled the skies
Well, we shot the line
We went for broke
With a thousand screamin' trucks
And eleven long haired Friends of Jesus
In a Chartreuse microbus
Yeah, Rubber Duck 'tis Sod Buster
C'mon there
Yeah, Ten-Four Sod Buster
Listen, you wanna put that microbus
In behind that suicide jockey
Yeah, he's haulin' dynamite
And he needs all the help he can get
Well, we laid a strip for the Jersey Shore
Prepared to cross the line
I could see the bridge was lined with bears
But I didn't have a doggone dime
I says, Pig Pen this here's the Rubber Duck
We just ain't a gonna pay no toll
So we crashed the gate doin' 98
I says let them truckers roll
Ten-Four
'Cause we got a mighty convoy
Rockin' through the night
Yeah, we got a mighty convoy
Ain't she a beautiful sight
C'mon and join our Convoy
Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin' convoy
'Cross the USA
Convoy
Convoy
Ah, Ten-Four
Pig Pen what's you're Twenty
Omaha
Well, they oughtta know what to do
With them hogs out there, fer sure
Well, mercy sakes good buddy
We gonna back on outta here
So keep the bugs off yer glass
And the bears off yer...tail
We'll catch you on the flip flop
This here's the Rubber Duck on the side
We gone
Bye, bye

This is a true story. See, that’s a photograph of me, Coyote, in the newspaper, after I’d been shot down in Central Park. Hey – don’t worry, I wasn’t dead, though. Just in for a long, soft sleep at the Bronx Zoo!

Never had I seen so many animals in one place! And just exactly how did I get into this mess? Well…. I had a dream – to go where no coyote had gone before…..

NEW YORK CITY!!!..................

Don't play any games with me your highness.
You weren't on any mercy mission this time.
You passed directly through a restricted system.
Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies.
I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.
She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod.
Send a Detachment down to retrieve them.
See to it personally Commander.
There will be no one to stop us this time

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? (insert gunshot of your choice)

Throughout history
man has marveled
at the vast complexity
of the universe.
Without a single
unified voice
humanity has been left
searching for answers
to the unknown.
Now
One man
has the power
to change that
and to spread his voice
across the earth
for all of mankind to hear.
One
man
Me.

This is the man himself :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QPMvj_xejg

Looking for some great deals on all your favorite candy for Halloween? Come in now to Eckerd Drug Stores for frightfully good savings on all Halloween candy. Be sure to stock up now at Eckerd before the savings vanish (poof sfx) Ooooh...that’s scary.

Elmo's World

Theme song words: La, La, La, La , Elmo's World La,La, La, La Elmo's world.
I love my goldfish and crayon too. Its Elmo's World. (There's a You Tube video on the song.)
If you can find an instrumental sound track, you can make it more interesting by singing the song yourself.

Elmo: Hi everybody. (Looking at his goldfish) Oh hi Dorothy.
Today Elmo's going to talk about the alphabet Yea! (Elmo's giggle)
Why just the other day Elmo ran into Elmo's good friend Grover.
Yea,. and this is what happened. ( segway music)
(Scene change Elmo meets Grover, passing each other on the street)

Elmo: Oh Hi Grover .

Grover:( In excitement Grover passes Elmo then runs back) Elmo ! Elmo! Elmo! I was looking for you. I was having a teensy bit of trouble with the alphabet

Elmo: A teensy bit? oh! Elmo knows the alphabet.

Grover : Yes yes I know it too, but i am having trouble with a little bit of it

Elmo: OK, Elmo wants to help my good friend Grover .

Grover: Good, ok you start

Elmo: (a musical scale is played while Elmo says the letters)A B C(Grover gives a aha) D E F G H I J K (Grover gives a, I got that so far) L M N O P (Elmo says What are you having a problem with) (Grover Says Its ok keep going)Q R S T U V W X Y ....

Grover: Wait wait I know this part. "Z" Thank you so much, I was having trouble with the first part but you helped me just fine.

Elmo: Your welcome Grover, Bye See you later. (sound of them running off)

(back to Elmo's Place) (segway music)

Elmo: Boy, Elmo had fun with Grover.yea (Elmo giggle) Elmo just loves saying the alphabet,and I know you did too. Well its time Elmo says goodbye. Say goodbye. Dorothy. Bye!!!

( End with theme song)

MUSIC: Police theme type music

ENERGY STAR: This is the city. There are a million appliances here. Most are hardworking. Occasionally, however, one goes bad - wasting energy and running up utility costs. That's where I come in. I wear a star. The Energy Star. I was working the day shift when the call came in.

DISPATCHER: Energy Star, clothes washer wasting family money!

ENERGY STAR: We arrived just in time!

WOMAN: Thank goodness you're here! Our clothes washer....

WASHER: Give me more juice! More Juice!

ENERGY STAR: Is he always this agitated?

WOMAN: He's going through a bad cycle.

WASHER: Hey! Why can't we go for a little spin?

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, it's time for and Energy Star qualified clothes washer.

WOMAN: Just because he's in hot water?

WASHER: I want more juice!

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, and Energy Star qualified washer can save your family nearly $650 over the life of your washer depending on your usage.

WOMAN: Six hundred and fifty dollars????

ENERGY STAR: Yes, ma'am.

WOMAN: Take him away! Oh, wait, let me get my stockings out first....

WASHER: Hey You! Get your filthy hands off me! I want my lawyer!

ENERGY STAR: The figures you have just heard are true. Look for Energy Star lighting appliances wherever appliances are sold.

Notes: One of the most iconic movies of the 1980s was Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and this scene has remained ingrained in our psyche for almost 30 years! Scene: Classroom. The teacher, Ben Stein is giving a lecture to his students who are CLEARLY not that interested. Here is a YouTube clip of the movie where the script below comes from. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxPVyieptwA&feature=related ----------------------- Script: In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... Raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. 'Voodoo' Economics")

This is my final plea- I am a gecko, not to be confused with Geico, which could save you hundreds on car insurance. (Sniff) So stop calling me. Geico, a 15-minute call could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

Hello. You’ve reached the office of Dr. Howard Abromowitz, famous orthodontist. This is the Doctor’s Administrative Assistant and mother, Mrs. Sylvia Abromowitz. We’re very sorry, but the office is closed today. The Doctor is going to his local HONDA DEALER to pick up his new ACCORD SE. Luckily, he has the good sense to know a real deal when he sees one. God only knows how his father and I sacrificed to put him through dental school. And, incidentally, if you happen to be a nice unmarried girl, and have good teeth, leave your name and number at the sound of the beep.

HONEY BAKED HAM

1. Hi we're bees
2. And we're mad
1. Have you ever gone up to a bee and said, "Hey you bee, thanks for inspiring the great taste of Honey Baked Ham?"
2. No, you haven't
1. Whatever, you love it, you enjoy it. but you never thank us.
2. And you wonder why we sting

It was dangerous to walk about in the veld, they said. Exciting times followed. There was a great deal of shooting at the leopard and a great deal of running away from him. The amount of Martini and Mauser fire I heard in the Kranzes reminded me of nothing so much as the First Boer War. And the amount of running away reminded me of nothing so much as the Second Boer War.

(Scene: man interviewing seagull at the beach while this gull and other seagull's notice a man on the beach opening a box of chicken wings..)

SCRIPT:

So, what's it like bein' a seagull, you ask? Well, it's TOUGH, TOUGH I tell ya! Ya gotta be ready to move at a moment's notice... hold on a sec. (quick pause)

WING! Chicken wing! IN-bound!

(Disappointed) Agh.. just missed it. Anyway, like I was sayin' ya gotta be quick, there's lots of competition and these other gulls, I... tell...YOU, they don't give ANY gull a second chance. Hold it...

TATER TOT! I got dibs!

Another world. Another time. In the age of wonder. A thousand years ago this land was green and good. Until the crystal cracked. A single piece was lost. A shard of the crystal. Then strife began. And two new races appeared. The cruel Skeksis. The gentle mystics. Here in the castle of the crystal, the Skeksis took control. Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber where the crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The Skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled. Yet now there are only ten. A dying race ruled by a dying emperor imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today once more they gather at the crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the Skeksis. As they ravaged the land, so to they learned to draw new life from the sun. Today once more they will replenish themselves. Cheat death again. Through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate, the dark crystal.

Pesci:
You asked a question sir
Let me answer it.
The genius of the Constitution
Is that it can always be changed.
The genius of the Constitution
Is that it makes no permanent rule
Other than its faith
In the wisdom of ordinary people
to govern themselves.

Vidal:
Faith in the wisdom of the people
Is exactly what makes the constitution
Incomplete and crude.

Pesci:
Crude?
No sir,
Our founding parents were
Pompous middle aged white farmers.
But they were also great men.
Because they knew one thing
that all great men should know.
That they didn’t know everything.
They knew they were going to make mistakes.
But they made sure to leave a way to correct them.
They didn’t think of themselves as leaders.
They wanted a government of citizens.
Not royalty.
A government of listeners.
Not lecturers.
A government that could change not stand still.
The President isn’t an elected King.
No matter how many bombs he can drop.
Because the crude Constitution doesn’t
Trust him.
He’s a servant of the people.
He’s a Bum.
OK, Mister Pitcannon.
He’s just a bum.
The only bliss that he is searching for is freedom.
And justice.

Do I really look like a guy with a plan, Harvey?

I don’t have a plan …

The mob has plans. The cops have plans.

You know what I am, Harvey? I am a dog chasing cars… I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it.

I just do things. I am just the wrench in the gears. I hate plans.

Yours, theirs, everyone’s. Maroni has plans. Gordon has plans.

Schemers trying to control their worlds.

I am not a schemer. I show the schemer how pathetic their attempts to control things really are.

So when I say that you and your girlfriend was nothing personal, you know I am telling the truth.

I just did what I do best. I took your plan and turned it on itself.

Look what I have done to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets.

Nobody panics when the expected people gets killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plan is horrifying.

If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics. – because it’s all part of the plan.

But when I say that one little old mayor will die, everybody lose their minds.

Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order and everything becomes chaos.

I am agent of chaos.

And you know the thing about chaos Harvey?

“IT is FAIR.”

Joker: Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was...a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So - me watching - he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, "Why so serious, son?" Comes at me with the knife... "Why so serious?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face!" And... why so serious?

Y’know, New Yorkers aren’t the only people who eat Lenders Bagels.

Japanese: In Osaka, plenty people like Lenders Bagels!

Irish: Lenders could grace the tables of all the kings of Ireland.

German: Fresh, crisp, crunchy...the toast of Munich. Wunderbar!

Indian: The most favorite table bagel in all of Bombay...Exhilarating taste!

Moscow: In Moscow, without our Lenders on our tables, breakfast would be big disappointment to Czars.

France: In Paris, Left or Right Bank, it make no difference, breakfast with Lenders, c’est magnifique.

Italian: When Mamma cooked, she’d make the manicotti or the meatballs...but for dessert, we’d always have Lenders bagels! See what I mean? Try Lenders Bagels today, and learn what the rest of the world has known for years!

KID: HEY GRANDPA, I’M BORED; DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDPA: WHAT? YOU HAVE TO FART? WELL THEN GET AWAY FROM ME!

KID: NO, THE PARK. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDPA: OH, THE PARK. YEAH, LET’S SEE IF OUR FRIENDS WANNA GO TOO. GRANDMA YOU WANNA GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDMA: WHAT? YA SAY YOU GOTTA FART?

GRANDPA: NO, THE PARK. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE KID TO THE PARK?

GRANDMA: OH, YES THAT SOUNDS FUN! LET’S ASK THE MAID IF SHE WANTS TO GO TOO.

MAID: WHY YES! THAT SOUNDS UTTERLY DELIGHTFUL! DO YOU MIND IF I BRING A FRIEND OR TWO?

KID: YEAH, BRING WHOEVER YOU WANT IT’LL BE FUN!

MAID: CINDY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PARK WITH US ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?

CINDY: O.M.G.! I WOULD LIKE TOTALLY LOVE TO GO! WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? DO I NEED MAKE-UP? AM I BREAKING OUT? ARE THERE GONNA BE ANY CUTE BOYS?

KID: YOU LOOK FINE. BUT I’M BRINGING SOME OF MY FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT FRIENDS YOU MIGHT LIKE.

CINDY: OH REALLY? I HOPE THEY’RE HOT…

INDIAN: HOT AS A TAMALE IN THE SAHARA DESERT! BUT NOT AS HOT AS YOU, PRETTY MAMA. RIGHT, FERNANDO?

FERNANDO: YES, SHE IS SO GORGEOUS. THE WAY THE LIGHT TWINKLES IN HER EYE JUST TAKES MY BREATH AWAY…

CINDY: HAHAHA OH STOP! YOU’RE LIKE MAKING ME BLUSH!

KID: NOW THAT EVERYONE KNOWS EACH OTHER, YOU GUYS READY TO GO HAVE SOME FUN?

GRANDPA: YOU KNOW IT!

GRANDMA: SOUNDS PEACHY!

MAID: OH YES!

CINDY: LIKE TOTALLY!

INDIAN: YOU BETCHA!

FERNANDO: COUNT ME IN!

KID: AWESOME!

EVERYONE: LET’S GO TO THE PARK!

CINDY: WHATEVER! LIKE I DIDN’T FART!

EVERYONE: LAUGHING

My son, the olive, gives me such a pain! All my life all I wanted was the best for him, to be a Lindsay olive, a perfect olive! But would he listen to me? Nah. He’s got to act like a big shot all the time. Like when I told him, I said: “Hershey, stay in the sun, the sun is wonderful for you!” But would he listen? No, sir. Like when I caught him hanging around with a bad bunch of olives. I said: “Hershey, get away from them, you don’t need them, you’re a good olive!” Do you think he listened to me? No! So when the Lindsay pickers came, I said: “Yoo hoo, yoo hoo, Mister Lindsay picker! Pick over there my son, the big shot.” Did they pick him? Nah, they don’t want big shots. If he’d listened to me, by now he could have been a Lindsay olive.

My son the olive, gives me such a pain! All my life all I wanted was the best for him, to be a Lindsay olive, a perfect olive! But would he listen to me? Nah. He's got to be a big shot all the time. Like when I told him, I said: " Hershey, stay in the sun, the sun is wonderful for you! But would he listen? No sir. Like when I caught him hanging out with a bunch of bad olives. I said: "Hershey, get away from them, you don't need them, you're a good olive! Do you think he listened to me? No! So when the Lindsay pickers came, I said: "Yoo hoo, yoo hoo, Mr. Lindsay picker! "Pick over there my son the big shot". Did they pick him? Nah, they don't want big shots. If he listened to me, by now he could have been a Lindsay olive.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT
---------------------------------------------------------
This whole scene is shot using only extreme close-ups of eyes, cards, tapping fingers and mouths. We open on a bright pair of eyes. One is bruised and slightly swollen, but this does not detract from their clarity.
---------------------------------------------------------
Script (British accent)

Character: EDDY

"Three card brag is a simple form of poker; you are dealt only three cards and these you can't change.

If you don't look at your cards you're a `blind man' and you only put in half the stake.

Three of any kind is the highest you can get: the odds are four hundred and twenty-five to one. Then it's a running flush - you know, all the same suit running in order; then a straight, then a flush, then a pair, and finally whatever the highest card you are holding. There are some tell-tale signs that are valuable; I am not going to tell you them because it took me long enough to learn them, but these can only help a player, not make one.

So you want to play?"

----------------------------------------------------------

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

Morgan Freeman
And sometimes I might Ah
Bring my voice down like this
And Oh, I start to talk like Morgan Freeman
And Morgan will talk like that
And Oh he could talk about anything, really
Make it an interesting topic uh
Like to talk about this carpet for example
Oh, that carpet
The way it goes
From wall to wall
Just doin’ what it does
Multiple colors
I walk on you,
Sweet carpet
You keep my feet padded
When they’re
Bare
Oh I might stain you
From time to time
But uh
Oh that’s alright
You’ll always be a carpet to me

Notes: This is a fantastic character read from the movie. Patrick Stewart did the original introduction, but now his version can only be heard on the movie soundtrack CD. Both versions are available on YouTube if you look for them.

Trying to emulate Stewart's version is a great way to practice emotion, timbre, high and low pitches and everything in between. Enjoy!

------------

NARRATOR:

‘Twas a long time ago,
Longer now than it seems
in a place that perhaps
you've seen in your dreams
For the story that you are about to be told
began with the holiday worlds of old

Now, you've probably wondered
where holidays come from.
If you haven't I'd say
it's time you begun.
For the holidays are the result of much fuss
and hard work for the worlds that create them for us

Well you see now, quite simply
that's all that they do,
making one unique holiday
especially for you

But once, a calamity ever so great
occurred when two holidays ... met by mistake

Scene: Salesman/carpetbaggers on a train. The script is read by several people on the train and starts out slow, keeping pace with the sounds of the steam locomotive as it pulls away from the station, slowly increasing its speed. The brilliance of this script is its clever use of plosives that mimic the sound of the train.

(Note: While this isn't a voice-over script per-se, it's a good challenge to work on word pacing, pronunciation while keeping a rhythm. You can Google this to see the actual clip from the movie on You Tube.)

-------------

Cash for the merchandise, cash for the button hooks
Cash for the cotton goods, cash for the hard goods
Cash for the fancy goods
cash for the noggins and the piggins and the frikins
Cash for the hogdhead, cask and demijohn.
Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper
Look whatayatalk. whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayataalk, whatayatalk?
Weredayagitit?
Whatayatalk?
Ya can talk, ya can talk, ya can bicker ya can talk,
ya can bicker, bicker bicker ya can talk all ya want
but is different than it was.
No it ain't, no it ain't, but ya gotta know the territory.
Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh
Why it's the Model T Ford made the trouble,
made the people wanna go, wanna get, wanna get up and go
seven eight , nine, ten, twelve, fourteen, twenty-two, twenty-three miles to the county seat
Yes sir, yes sir
Who's gonna patronize a little bitty two by four kinda store anymore?
Whaddaya talk, whaddaya talk.
Where do you get it?
Gone, gone
Gone with the hogshead cask and demijohn, gone with the sugar barrel,
pickle barrel, milk pan, gone with the tub and
the pail and the fierce

Scene: Jack Nicholson's character on trial being questioned by Tom Cruise's character.

Jack Nicholson:

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

Robert Duvall:

You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

Scene: Capt. Quint is below deck of his fishing boat talking with the other men about sharks:

-----------

Capt. Quint (Robert Shaw):

You know the thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over and white and then, ah, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screaming. The ocean turns red and despite all the pounding and hollering, they all come in and they rip you to pieces.

Notes: First paragraph of the opening monologue to Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

-------------
Galadriel:

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged a master ring in secret, and into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all.

Movie Script: Network

Heres an excerpt from the speech made by Howard Beale ( actor, Peter Finch)
If you need to see this scene, just go to You Tube.

I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to write your congressmen. Because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the defense budget and the Russians and crime in the street. All I know is first you got to get mad. You've got to say: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more. I'm a human being, dammit. My life has value." So I want you to get up now. I want you to get out of your chairs and go to the window. Right now. I want you to go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell. I want you to yell: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!"

Notes: A 'drabble' is a story of exactly 100 words that contains a beginning, a plot and an ending. I wrote this for my writing Meetup group in 2008. I included this one in the 'character' script section because of the different voices involved. The name Mabatu below, is pronounced "Mah-BAH-Too."

- Muddyshoes

--------------

Script:

“Who stole my zebra,” asked Mabatu? “Not I,” said the ostrich, “For I have no hands to pull his rope.” “Not I,” said the old Lion, “for I was once kicked by a zebra’s mighty hooves.” Mabatu scratched his head, turned and looked toward the snake and asked, “Snake, did you steal my zebra?” The snake said, “Oh no, the zebra is much too big to fit into my home inside that old log. At last, Mabatu asked the medicine man, “Have you seen my zebra, old man?” The old man smiled innocently, shook his head “no”, and then burped.

At last, I had only one son left; then he sickened. When he was dying - he asked me to promise him one thing. He begged me to take him - when he was dead - back to our old burying ground by the Swift running Waters, the Niobrara. I promised. When he died, I - and those with me - put his body into a box - and then in a wagon - and we started North.

That hand - is not the color of yours, but if I pierce it - I shall feel pain. If you pierce your hand - you also feel pain. The blood - that will flow from mine - will be the same color - as yours. I am a man.

God - made us both.

Soon after O'Shaugnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaugnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. 'To be shure it was, Boss', he replied, 'I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No', replied O'Shaugnessy. 'I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the front office. This time when O'Shaugnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

Notes:

Any self-respecting voice talent needs to know who Paul Frees is. If you've ever watched TV or movies made before 1980, then you've heard his voice, even if you don't know who he is.

The script below is from the first part of the Haunted Mansion attraction at Disneyland/Walt Disney World and is the voice you hear in the foyer.

For reference and for your enjoyment. Here is an outtake reel by Paul Frees while recording the script below. Enjoy!

- Muddyshoes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlR9YeewwJw

---------------------

(The Haunted Mansion - Foyer Script)

When hinges creak in doorless chambers, and strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls. Whenever candlelights flicker where the air is deathly still. That is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight!

Well, Officer, you gotta understand, it was a wild night. There was a lot going on, and honestly, I wasn’t in the best condition to be a good witness, know what I’m saying? We’d just finished a tasting of our Rock Hollow Sextet. There were a lot of people there, and I’m sure they’d tell a lot of different stories. But I do know a few things for sure. One, the guy who ran had on a really great shirt. Two, I definitely heard the stolen files. Those mashups that guy was spinning, well, I’m pretty sure the RIAA never approved anything like that. And three, the crime couldn’t have happened without the Razer Barracuda AC-1. I know, it’s usually a gaming audio card. And a great one – I’m a fan myself. I mean, it supports DTS Neo:PC, DTS Interactive, Dolby Headphone, Dolby Digital Live, and Dolby Pro Logic IIx. That Razer Enhanced Sound Perception is pretty incredible at pinpointing kill zones, in awesome 7.1-channel, 24-bit sound. I don’t know why it’d get mixed up in something like this. But when I went up to it to get its autograph, it seemed different somehow. Wild. Out of control. Its passive EMI shield was drooping, and it had a crazy look on its HD-Dedicated Audio Interface. Maybe it had been drinking, I don’t know. Maybe it had been taking something stronger. All I can say is, it was pumping out those illicit remixes and leaked advances like it had a death wish. But, uh, hey, don’t tell the Razer Barracuda AC-1 I told you this, OK? A card with that kind of power, those kinds of connections – I just wouldn’t want to get on its bad side.

RIDDLE (a Parody on Sherlock Holmes)
Frank Muir & Denis Norden

….....After a moment of restless pacing he suddenly said, “I have just been given tea by Her Majesty's Foreign Secretary-”
'Earl Grey?'
'No,' he said . 'A fairly ordinary Darjeeling. Grown, I rather fancy, on that South-facing hill just above the handbag factory. He gave me very worrying news.'
Holmes paced the room again. The cat was sitting asleep on his chair an Holmes bent to tickle it behind an ear.
'Watson, my violin if you please.'
I handed it to him and with a forehand drive worthy of the great Dr. Grace himself, he batted the cat out of the chair and onto the floor. He settled himself comfortably into the chair.
' I am informed, Watson, that there is in this country an important Balkan Princeling, here under the protection of her Britannic Majesty. He has travelled from his own squalid little country to Britain in order to undergo an operation at which our British Surgeons lead the world. The removal of an ingrowing toe-nail.'
'Just so. What we medical men call a “Piggyectomy”.'
'Would you mind shutting up while I'm talking.'
I nodded assent.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!

Rocky Balboa
Speaking to his son in Rocky Balboa (2006)

( a different voice for each line )

She thought a quarterback was a refund

She thought General Motors was in the Army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boys II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign Here", she wrote Sagittarius.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she would sleep.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent twenty minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".

She told me to meet her at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "airport left", she turned around and went home.

She thought that if she spoke her mind that she would be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said, "TGIF", which she thought stood for "This Gose In Front".

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Not dead yet mister Halloway?
Come looking in my mirrors for another chance?
Shall I help you find it?
Would you know it if you saw it?
Here the mirror of the dreams of beauty.
Can Chrisetti tell you of incredible loves he’d never lived?
Over here!
See.
The mirror of riches beyond wishing.
Where Mr. Tetley is buried.
Halloway.
Look.
Look here for the great and famous.
Ed.
The barman hero of all the football years.
All his cheering crowds gone.
Here.
The looking glass of pride and ruined vanity.
Where wars of time are fought and lost.
And now this.
This is your class of darkness Mr. Halloway.
It’s name.
Regret.
It’s sum.
Dispair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99xj7JiA24k&feature=related

LUKE: Look, I'm sure it's delicious. I just don't understand why we can't see Yoda now.

CREATURE: Patience! For the Jedi it is time to eat as well. Eat, eat. Hot. Good food, hm? Good, hmm?

LUKE: How far away is Yoda? Will it take us long to get there?

CREATURE: Not far. Yoda not far. Patience. Soon you will be with him. (tasting food from the pot) Rootleaf, I cook. Why wish you become Jedi? Hm?

LUKE: Mostly because of my father, I guess.

CREATURE: Ah, your father. Powerful Jedi was he, powerful Jedi, mmm.

LUKE: (a little angry) Oh, come on. How could you know my father? You don't even know who I am. (fed up) Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here. We're wasting our time.

CREATURE: (irritated) I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.

BEN'S VOICE: He will learn patience.

YODA: Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his father.

BEN'S VOICE: Was I any different when you taught me?

YODA: Hah. He is not ready.

LUKE: Yoda! I am ready. I...Ben! I can be a Jedi. Ben, tell him I'm ready!

YODA: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained! A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. (to the invisible Ben, indicating Luke) This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away! To the future! To the horizon! Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. (turning to Luke) You are reckless!

BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you'll remember.

YODA: He is too old. Yes, too old to begin the training.

LUKE: But I've learned so much.

YODA: (sighs) Will he finished what he begins?

LUKE: I won't fail you -- I'm not afraid.

YODA: (turns slowly toward him) Oh, you will be. You will be.

Star Wars: Palpatine becomes Darth Sidious

The scene takes place after Darth Sidious (Palpatine) along with Anakin kills Mace Windu
( Samuel L. Jackson)

Anakin: What have I done ????

Darth Sidious: Your fufilling your destiny... Anakin. Become My Apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the force.

Anakin: I will do what you...you ask

Darth Sidious: Gooood !!!!

Anakin: Just help me save Padmae's life.... I cant live without her.

Darth Sidious: To cheat death is the power only one has achieved. But if we work together.....I know we can discover the secret.

Anakin: I pledge myself to your teachings.

Darth Sidious: Gooood ! ....yes... The force is Strong with you. A powerful sith you will become Hence forth you shall be known as Darth ...Vader.

Anakin: Thank you .....my Master.

Darth Sidious: Once more the sith's will rule the galaxy !!!!!!

One of my favorite commercials growing up. Enjoy!

------------------

BOY: Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

MR TURTLE: I never made it without biting... ask Mr. Owl.

BOY: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

MR OWL: Let's find out... One.. Two...Three

*CRUNCH NOISE*

MR OWL: Three

ANNOUNCER: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

*CRUNCH NOISE*

ANNOUNCER: The world may never know.

Bee 1: Hi we're bees.

Bee 2: And we're mad!

Bee 1: Here's the deal. You buy Honey Baked Ham.

Bee 2: You love Honey Baked Ham!

Bee 1: But here's our beef with this whole Honey Baked Ham thing.

Bee 2: Go ahead, tell 'em!

Bee 1: You talk about the spiral cut

Bee 2: Fine.

Bee 1: You talk about the three generations of traditions.

Bee 2: Also fine.

Bee 1: And you go way nuts over the great honey taste

Bee 2: And that, our human friends, is where the trouble begins.

Bee 1: Yeah, 'cause where did the Honey Baked Ham people get the idea for the great honey taste? HUH?

Bee 2: Yeah, where? FROM BEES! You MORONS!

Bee 1: But have you ever thanked a bee?

Bee 2: Have you ever gone up to a bee and said, "Hey, you bee, thanks for inspiring the great taste of Honey Baked Ham."

Bee 1: No, you haven't!

Bee 2: You never thanked us, yet you enjoy Honey Baked Ham on Holidays, at Super Bowl Parties, your kids graduation, birthdays...

Bee 1: Whatever!!! You love it. You enjoy it. But you never thank us.

Bee 2: And YOU wonder why... we STING!

ANNCR: Honey Baked Ham.... The Number One Ham in America!

Announcer 1:
It’s a dark, brisk night and Hallow’s Eve is near. You’re alone in your room, because you have no friends and smell weird, but are bored and want something exciting to do.

Kid:
Ba-ba-bee-bung I’m so bored and there’s nothing to do. I smell.

Announcer 1:
Told you! So why not get up off your stank bum and head on down to… The House of Death!

Announcer 2:
The House of Death is Kansas City’s scariest, most terrifying haunted house experience around. Featuring new rooms like the Insane Asylum, the Autopsy Room, and the Morgue of Madness. If you make it that far, then venture down the Hallway of Terror and see if you can survive the horror. The House of Death is located under the 12th Street Bridge by The Edge of Hell and The Beast. Gates open at 7 and close whenever the last victims crawl away. Group rates and discounts for parties of 10 or more. Go to your local grocer for discount coupons and come on out to The House of Death, where you’re guaranteed to soil yourself.

Japanese slammed two torpedoes
into our side chief.
We was comin’ back from the island of
Tinian (Delahti?).
We’d just delivered the bomb.
The Hiroshima bomb.
1,100 men went into the water.
Vessel went down in twelve minutes.
Didn’t see the first shark for about a half an hour.
Tiger, thirteen footer.
You know how you know that when you’re
In the water chief?
Ya tell by looking from the dorsil to the tail.
What we didn’t know.
Was our bomb mission had been so secret,
No distress signal had been sent.
He he.
They didn’t even list us overdue for a week.
Very first light chief,
Sharks come cruisin’.
So we formed ourselves into tight groups.
You know it’s kinda like old squares in a battle.
Like you see on a calendar,
like the battle of Waterloo,
and the idea was
shark comes to the nearest man and
he’d start poundin’ an hollerin’ and screamin’
and sometimes the shark go away.
Sometimes he wouldn’t go away.
Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya.
Right into your eyes.
You know the thing about a shark,
He’s got lifeless eyes.
Black eyes like a dolls eyes.
When he comes at ya,
He doesn’t seem to be livin’.
Until he bites ya.
And those black eyes roll over white,
and then,
oh and ya hear that terrible high pitch screamin’.
The ocean turns red.
Despite all the poundin’ an hollerin,
They all come in and rip you to pieces.

Movie Script : The Maltese Falcon ( scene between Humphrey Bogart & Sidney Greenstreet)

WILMER: Here he is, Mr. Gutman -- the guy who was talkin' to the dame and the Greek.

GUTMAN: Ah! Mr. Spade!

SPADE: (PLEASANTLY) Mr. Gutman.

GUTMAN: We begin well, sir. I distrust a man who talks too much.

SPADE: I like to talk.

GUTMAN: Of course, talking's something you can't do judiciously - unless you keep in practice.

SPADE: Yeah.

GUTMAN: Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. And I'll tell you right out that I'm a man [who] likes talking to a man who likes to talk.

SPADE: Swell. Will we talk about the black bird?

GUTMAN: You're the man for me, sir. No beating about the bush, right to the point. Let us talk about the black bird, by all means. Mr. Spade, have you any conception of how much money can be got for that black bird?

SPADE: No.

GUTMAN: Well, sir, if I told you -- if I told you half, you'd call me a liar.

SPADE: (WITH A CHUCKLE) No, no. Not even if I thought so. But you just tell me what it is and I'll figure out the profits.

GUTMAN: You mean you don't know what that bird is?

SPADE: Well, I know what it's supposed to look like. I know the value in human life you people put on it.

GUTMAN: Miss O'Shaughnessy didn't tell you what it is? And Cairo didn't, either?

SPADE: He offered me ten thousand for it.

GUTMAN: (SCOFFS) Ten thousand! (CHUCKLES) And dollars, mind you, not even pounds. (SERIOUS) They must know what it is. Or do they? What is your impression?

SPADE: I can't tell. They're both lying.

GUTMAN: If they don't know, I'm the only one in the whole wide, sweet world who does.

SPADE: Swell. When you've told me, that'll make two of us.

GUTMAN: Mathematically correct, sir. But I don't know for certain that I'm going to tell you.

SPADE: Oh, don't be foolish. You know what it is and I know where it is. That's why I'm here.

GUTMAN: Well, sir, where is it?

SPADE: (CHUCKLES) Don't be silly.

GUTMAN: You see, I must tell you what I know but you will not tell me what you know. That is hardly equitable, sir. No, no. I don't think we can do business along those lines.

SPADE: (SUDDENLY VIOLENTLY ANGRY) Yeah? Well, think again and think fast. I can get along without you! And keep that gunsel away from me while you're makin' up your mind! I'll kill him!

GUTMAN: Well, sir, I must say you have a most violent temper.

SPADE: Well, what are you wasting time for?! You've got till 5:30, then you're either in or out for keeps!

(Noir MUSIC)

SPADE: (NARRATES) Three characters and a black bird. Well, all I knew was, my partner was dead and the cops were getting very uncooperative about the whole see that O'Shaughnessy dame before it was too late. And, sure enough, it
almost was.

The Great Clapper Caper

(This was one of my favorite skits with Jack Webb and Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show) (If you remember Dragnet, Jack’s character had a deadpan look and sound, very serious)

Friday: This is the city. Los Angeles California.

Some people rob for pleasure.

Some rob because its there. You never know.

My names Friday, I’m a cop.

I was working the day watch, on a robbery, when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There’s been a robbery.

Man: There’s been a robbery.

Friday: Yes Sir, what is it?

Man: My clappers.

Friday: Your clappers?

Man: Yea, you know those things inside a bell that makes them clang.

Friday: The clangers.

Man: That’s right, but we call them clappers in the business.

Friday: A clapper caper.

Man: What’s that?

Friday: Nothing Sir. Now can I have the facts?

What kind of clappers was stolen on this capper?

Man: They were copper clappers.

Friday: And where were they kept?

Man: In the closet.

Friday: U huh. You have any ideas, who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?

Man: Well, once fired a man and he swore he’d get even.

Friday: What was his name?

Man: Claude Cooper.

Friday: You think he…….

Man That’s right ! That’s right! I think Claude Copper copped my copper clappers, kept in a closet.

Friday: Do you know where this Claude Cooper is from?

Man: Yea, Cleveland.

Friday: That figures that figures.

Man: What make it worse, they were clean.

Friday: Clean copper clappers?

Man: That’s right.

Friday: Why do you think Cleveland’s Claude Cooper, would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?

Man: Only one reason.

Friday: And what’s that?

Man: He’s a kleptomaniac.

Friday: Who first discovered that the copper clappers were copped?

Man: My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford.

Friday: That figures, now let me see if I have the facts straight here.

Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers, kept in a closet, were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now is that about it?

Man: One other thing.

Friday: What’s that?

Man: If ever I catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland, who copped my clean copper clappers that were kept in a closet.

Friday: Yes?

Man: I’ll clobber him.

COUNTRY HICK FORRIS ...Excuse me!...Excuse Me! EXCUSE ME!! Are you Miss Donna? DONNA Yes I am...who are you? FORRIS (Shaking Donna’s hand)) My name is Bubba “Cottonmouth” Crabtree Junior...that’s Junior with a capital “J” DONNA ...and what can I do for you? FORRIS Well I hear you got a contest goin’ on where you can win cash prizes just fer bein’ good at somthin’ DONNA Yes...but it’s SENIOR Idol. You have to be a Senior to be in it...you don’t look like a Senior FORRIS Well of course I’m not a Senior...I just told you...I’m a Junior! (Shakes Donna’s hand again) Bubba “Cottonmouth” Crabtree JUNIOR...Duhhh (To Crowd) DONNA (sarcastically) Why do they call you Cottonmouth? Is it because your dangerous like a Cottonmouth snake? FORRIS Naw...it’s cause I once ate an entire cloth diaper on a dare (hopefully crowd reacts...then look to crowd) Don’t worry, it was clean (pause as if thinking) I think! Well I did put some barbecue sauce on it just to add a little spice! DONNA What nut dared you to do that? FORRIS My parents. They didn’t think I could do it! (Laughing) I made 10 bucks off em” (Laughing, slap knee) DONNA Even if you were a Senior, what talent have you got? FORRIS I can tap dance like Fred Astair. (Tap a little) DONNA But those are beercans on your shoes FORRIS Yea...I know...kinda puts a whole new meanin’ to the words “Tap Dance”. My parents couldn’t afford to buy me real tap shoes, of course a lot of their money problems were because they were gamblers...why one time I even won 10 bucks off em”...all I had to do was eat a diaper...of course I did put a little barbacue sauce on it! DONNA NO! FORRIS Let me just show you! (Tap dance, make lots of noise with cans) DONNA (Shaking head) That’s enough...you have to go! FORRIS You don’t seem to appreciate my natural born talent for dance! DONNA Go before I call security! FORRIS Go ahead and call security, they’ll never catchup to THIS Jackrabbit (Strike a pose like I’m running) 2. DONNA GO! FORRIS I’m goin”! (Make lots of noise with cans) ...but you aint seen the last of my talents (EXIT) OLD MAN FORRIS Excuse me Missy! Excuse me! (Shuffle through audience) DONNA What Sir? FORRIS I’m here to compete in the Senior Idol contest! DONNA What’s your name? I’ll see if it’s on the list. FORRIS My name is...Roman...Roman Numeral! DONNA I don’t seem to have you on the list. FORRIS Let’s not worry about the little details. I’m ready to perform right now! (struggle up on stage) DONNA What can you do (confused) FORRIS I can juggle knives! Granted, just butter knives, but it’s still pretty dangerous. (searching pockets) Where’s that silverware? Wait, let me grab some silverware (pick a woman from audience) I believe I saw this lady put some silverware in her purse earlier. ( I find mine) Nevermind...I got it! Here we go! (Start juggling, dropping silverware) 3. DONNA This is going nowhere. You have to leave. We have real contestants coming up. FORRIS Wait...you should see me juggle four coffee cups, let me go grab some...as a matter of fact, I think that lady has some cups in her purse too! (To lady0 I just need to borrow them for two minutes, You can keep the dinner plates and soup bowles in there, I just need the cups! DONNA Sir, leave the guests alone and get out of here. FORRIS I’m a senior...this is Senior Idol and I want to compete for the cash prize. DONNA Somehow I don’t think your a Senior AND your not on the list! FORRIS I’m on the WAGON...does that count for anything! DONNA GO! FORRIS Your treating me like a common criminal. Why I’ve never stolen anything ...like SILVERWARE...or DINNER PLATES...or SOUP BOWLS...like some of the people you associate with! (start exiting) DONNA Goodbye FORRIS I’ll be back to try and win some cash prizes! (EXIT) 4. OLD LADY FORRIS Excuse me honey...Yoo Hoo...I’m here! DONNA Good your here, but who are you? FORRIS Why I’m Orenda Smallbutts. I’m ready to compete for Miss Senior Idol...(to audience with a grin) and hopefuly win a cash prize, DONNA It’s called Senior Idol NOT Miss Senior Idol.It’s a talent contest with men and women FORRIS GOOD...I’m a woman...count me in DONNA If your a woman then why do you have a beard? FORRIS Well...you see...My boyfriend is “folicly challenged” so I was trying to help in out by massaging some hair restorer into his scalp (big rubbing motion) I rubbed and I rubbed...then I decided to step back and admire my work (put hand on face) and that’s what happened! DONNA You look familiar...as a matter of fact you look like a one “ Bubba “Cottonmouth” Crabtree Junior! FORRIS (pause) MY Boy!..You Saw my boy? They always said he looked like his Momma! They’d say he’s got his Mommas eyes, his Mommas nose, His mommas his Mommas ears... DONNA (cuts me off) ...his Mommas beard! 5. FORRIS Why I just want to try to win some cash money to try to help my boy out. He’s quite talented you know. You should see him tap dance with beer cans on his shoes...sorta gives a whol new meaning to “tap dance” DONNA OK..what do you do? FORRIS I can sing show tunes..watch...I’ll do something from guys and dolls! (Singing “when you see a gent... finish with some Doll!! And strike a pose) DONNA Go (pointing to back of room) FORRIS No, you don’t like Guys and Dolls. I can do something from Damn Yankees(start exiting) DONNA Please leave! FORRIS I’ll go, but wait untill voting comes. My version of Guys and Dolls brought tears to their eyes (motion to audience as I leave) EXIT DONNA It’s because they were crying! 6.

Whata we used to think was
whena you die
The soul leavesa the body.
Itsa kinda like a little bubble ina Seven Up
You know
it justa goesa shootin’ upa there.

And we usta think
There wasa different levels in heaven.
Anda dependin how Holy you are.
The lighter the soul is.
So if, you know, you’re a real good a very very a nicea person
You cana goa way way upa high
And be witha God
Anda other nicea people likea youself.
And if youra real, real bada person,
Your soul mighta justa raise a lika four feet.
You mighta have to spend eternity
Hangin around the grill of some cheapa restaurant.
Anda thatsa foevever. Forever.
I know some priests they say forever, and ever.
I really don’t think the “and ever” isa necessary.
Forever, really kinda covers it you know.
Forever meansa forever, what do you want.
Forever, Forever.
Well, we found outa that’s a nota true.
There are no levels in heaven.
We found outa the truth
Froma something called the factum aletter
happened ina 19a17
there wasa this miracle in a Portugal
anda these three little aPortugesesa kids
They was givena thisa letter
And they was told
Give the letter to the Pope
And tell him don’t open it tilla 19a60
What it was about was the secret of life
What happens to you when you die
All that stuff.
Anda what ita said
Right at the top,
Big capital letters,
Said -- Vitem -- Est – Lavorum.
That means “Life -- Is – A Job”.
Thatsa why, you know, you thinka life is a so harda
So difficulta most of the time.
Thats cause itsa job,
whata you want,
it’s justa work.
That’s what it’s about,
And ita said that each of us is getting paid
$14a50 aday.
That’s our wages a $14a50 aday.
And what happens to you when you die
The soula does leavea the body.
And then you see yourself going down
Thisa long, long, long darka tunnel
And your whole life flashes before you.
From the day you wasa born till the day you die.
Then
You come to the end of the tunnel,
And God is there awaitin for you.
And he looks you straight in the eye,
And then,
He pays you.
You see, he knows you wasa comin,
He’sa likea phsycic
He knowsa everything.
And he figured it all up in advance.
$14a50 times the number of days
You was alivin
And he gives you all thisa money.
And you got all thisa money in front of you.
And then,
He starts going over all of your sins.
And you have to pay for your sins.
Maybe you hearda that expression
You know, you have to pay for your sins.
Thatsa the Truth.
We do have to Pay for our sins.
In cash.
Itsa casha deal.
Itsa likea maybe when you was a little kid
Maybe stole a bag of potato chips.
That might be like six dollars afine.
Gotta give him backa six dollars.
Lying, everytime you lie ten dollars.
Ten, ten, ten, ten,ten,ten,ten.
Justa shell it out, every single alie ten dollars.
Ten.
Murder
Athatsa the worst one.
One hundred thousand dollars.
Masturbation.
I don’t know.
Twenty-five athirty-fivea cents would be my guess.
That’sa cheapa sin.
But it cana mounta up.
You know, aperiod of time.
thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-fivea, thirty-five.
Well, if you have enougha money,
To pay off alla you sins,
Then, you get to go to heaven.
But, if you don’t have enough,
Then you have to go back and bea born again.
It’sa kinda like goin’a back to work after a little vacation.
Somea real abada people, likea Mafioso types
Might have to spenda four or fivea lifetimes as nuns
Justa makin’ upa for it.
Most nuns are former Mafioso,
I don’t know if you know that.