The Voice Over Practice Script Library

Notes: I wrote this script kind of as a tribute to voice actors, but also to allow the person reading it to use some different intonation in his read. ** Please note: This script is meant to be read 'dry' with no music or sound effects... just use your voice, and speak naturally with a somewhat relaxed pace. :)

- Ron Jaffe (Muddyshoes)

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This... is my voice.

There is no music, and there are no sound effects... only the pure, clear sound, recorded for your ears.

I am a voice over artist, a voice actor, a voice talent, and I can convey my message in many ways, in many tones and with many emotions.

I can speak in a very light whisper, to share an intimate message with you. Or my voice can boom deeply, demanding respect from those who are listening. My voice can express sympathy to someone who has just experienced a great loss, or it can reflect the happiness one feels after having accomplished something great!

I sit (or stand) before this tube constructed of metals, of plastics, of wires and of silicon, which listens patiently to me, as if it were alive, like a mistress, hour after hour, day after day, and night after night. It never judges me, however it is a reflection of me... one which is neither vengeful, nor forgiving.

I am a voice actor...and this is my voice.

Jerry: No A-1 for my hamburger???? Miss ... some A-1 please? Imagine, a great place like this without A-1 on the table!

Man: Yeah!

Jerry: Nothing like it on hamburgers ...

Man: You bet.

Jerry: After all, what’s hamburger? It’s chopped steak! And what’s better on steak than A-1? That’s why I have it at home all the time.

Man: So why didn’t you ask for it?

Jerry: Guess outta sight, outta mind. Miss ... some A-1 please?

Man: Ask for it!

Arnie: Hey Jerry ... you mind if I borrow your hammer for a couple of hours tonight?

Jerry: Uh, sure, Arnie. Go ahead.

Arnie: Jerry, how was your weekend?

Jerry: It was fine. How was yours?

Arnie: Great, great. Say Jerry, we have a guest coming in tonight. Mind if I borrow that roll-away bed you’ve got?

Jerry: Borrow the bed? Well, I suppose, but only if you bring it back in the ...

Arnie: Jerry, I never heard a stereo with sound as good as yours. Would you mind if I borrowed it to show my cousin?

Jerry: The stereo, oh I don’t know ...

Arnie: It’s only for one night. I promise to bring it back tomorrow.

Interviewer: So. I understand you’re pretty busy.

Wmn: Really busy. Will this take long?

Int: No. It’s just a sixty second commercial.

Wmn: Good. Because, I’m --

Int: Busy. I know. Well, is there any time you’re not busy?

Wmn: Well, there’s always while I sleep.

Int: Well Certicare just introduced a program called “Service While You Sleep.”

Wmn: Why do they call it that?

Int: Because they service your car while you sleep.

Wmn: Catchy name.

Int: Glad you like it.. Just call 4-REPAIR. Certicare does the rest.

Interviewer: So. I understand you’re pretty busy.

Wmn: Really busy. Will this take long?

Int: No. It’s just a sixty second commercial.

Wmn: Good. Because, I’m --

Int: Busy. I know. Well, is there any time you’re not busy?

Wmn: Well, there’s always while I sleep.

Int: Well Certicare just introduced a program called “Service While You Sleep.”

Wmn: Why do they call it that?

Int: Because they service your car while you sleep.

Wmn: Catchy name.

Int: Glad you like it.. Just call 4-REPAIR. Certicare does the rest.

Wmn: 4-REPAIR. Got it. Will the call take long?

Int: No. Why?

Wmn: Because I’m ...

Int: Really busy.

Wmn: Got it.

Anncr: Amoco knows how busy you are ...

Wmn: I ... am the busiest person in the world.

Anncr: We know there’s never enough time in your day.

Wmn: I make instant oatmeal in the microwave ...

Anncr: We know it’s not always convenient to get your car repaired.

Wmn: I have mastered the art of being in 2 places at the same time ...

Anncr: So, Certicare will now fix your car at night -- while you’re asleep.

Wmn: My last vacation was a nap.

Anncr: New, “Service While You Sleep.” Just call 1-800-4-REPAIR. That’s 1-800-4-REPAIR. Certicare’s “Service While You Sleep.” Only at participating Amoco dealers.

(edgy rock music. A and B are same voice, one is a little more “echoed” than the other)

A: Who said work can’t be fun?

B: Train now at the Bartenders Professional Training Institute in Rochester.

A: And you could be bartending in just four short weeks.

B: The work’s fun.

A: The pay’s great.

B: And you meet some fabulous people.

A: Professional Bartending Schools of America.

B: Go to PBSA.com for details.

A: That’s PBSA.com

Girl: Hey Dad, have you seen my bag of Barbeque Better Made Chips?

Dad: No

Girl: Hmm, I left them right here on the counter

Dad: Nope I haven’t seen anything

Girl: Hey, what’s this on your shirt? These are crumbs! Chip crumbs! You ate my

Better Made Chips!!!

Dad: Nuh-uh.

Man: OK! You’re ready to sell your car. Right?

Woman: Right.

Man: Nothing’s wrong with it. You’re just ready for a change. You want the highest cash price.

Woman: Absolutely.

Man: But you’ve worked hard all day. Taken about forty phone calls. Worked with some pretty tough customers.

Woman: Ah. You’ve said it.

Man: The last thing you need is more hassle, right?

Woman: Right!

Man: So talk to Car Cash. Since 1977, Car Cash has been Americas biggest and most experienced car buying service. Don’t sell your car for less than true value. Or, spend hours with strangers who have no cash. Thousands of satisfied owners have sold their cars to Car Cash.

Woman: Perfect.

Man: So just call 1-800-Car Cash.

Woman: Hmmm...Car Cash...It’s the only way to go.

SFX: Telephone ring, entire conversation takes place over the phone.

Mother: Hello?

Son: Hey, Mom.

Mother: Oh, hi sweetie.

Son: I’m at the police station -

Mother: What?! What happened?

Son: Nothing really.

Mother: You’re at the police station.

Son: Okay, well, it all started at the tattoo parlor...

Mother: Tattoo parlor?

Son: It’s no big deal. We all got one. Even Krystal.

Mother: Who’s Krystal?

Son: She’s a dancer at the club.

Mother: Club? But you’re 15 years old.

Son: It’s okay. Krystal’s 22 and she’s totally cool.

Mother: I thought you were going to a movie.

Son: We were but plans changed. I would’ve called but you wouldn’t let me have a cell phone.

Mother: Oh dear…

Annc: Well, that’s one way to convince your parents to get you a cell phone. You could also try being rational with them. Y’know, point out how Cellular South lets you talk all month for a flat-rate of $39.99. And gives your parents the peace of mind that moms and dads tend to want.

Son: Hey, mom? How old do you have to be to get married?

Annc: Sign up now and text all you want for a flat rate of just $5 a month. Move to the Cellular South. Stop by the store nearest you, visit cellularsouth.com, or call 877-CSOUTH1. Certain restrictions may apply.

Daughter: Mom, could we talk about getting me a credit card?

Mom: No way. Too many college students get themselves in debt that way.

Daughter: Yeah, but I’m talking about the Citi Dividend Platinum Select Card just for

students. It’ll give me up to 5% cash back on purchases, so its like I’m actually earning money! Plus they’re giving me 0% APR for the first 6 months.

Male Announcer: Watch how Curve for Men makes finding a Saturday night date easier than ever. Just two sprays and…..

Girl: Oh, hey Brian. I was just wondering, what are you doing this Saturday?

Male Announcer: Mission Accomplished.

Man: Seducing teen girls online is easy. They love talking to someone

Girl: Someone older I can trust. They understand me better than other teens

Man: Teen girls are very trusting. You can wear down the suspicions they

Girl: They have an understanding of real love. They know nothing matters when you're totally in love

Man: Love is the final piece of the puzzle. They believe anything I tell them because I

Girl: I don't see why you shouldn't meet someone you trust. I mean there's no danger in meeting

Man: Meeting them is always the goal. That's when things get really interesting.

Girl Announcer: Online predators know what they're doing. Do you?

Announcer: Visit cybertipline.com. A message from The National Centre for Missing and Exploited Children and the AdCouncil

Man: Honey?

Woman: Yea?

Man: If you could have just one thing on a desert island, what would it be?

Woman: You!

Man: You’ve already got me, what else?

Woman: A sale.

Man: What good is a sail without a boat?

Woman: Not that kind of a sale. The Ethan Allen Essential Sale.

Man: Come on.

Woman: I’m serious. You see, that way all the essentials will be covered.

From sofas to dining sets to entertainment units to home accessories. We’d have everything we’d ever need.

Man: Well you know what they say?

Woman: What?

Man: All you need is loooove.

Woman: Did I mention the bedroom stuff?

Man: Hmmm, now you’re talking. Just the two of us. In our island paradise, lounging on beautiful Ethan Allen furniture. When do we leave?

Woman: Right now. The sale’s about to end.

Man: What happened to the island?

Woman: Well, I figure with the right furniture, we’ll make our own little paradise right here. Now we have to hurry. The Essential Sale’s almost over.

Anncr: Come in and discover the many items on sale at the Ethan Allen store nearest you, in New Jersey and New York. Hurry in. The sale ends April 6th.

The use of “GAINING DOWN” merely refers to the ascendable reduction of volume softening. As an advanced beginner the use of a building down technique may indeed appear to be clearly ambiguous, but its use comes from a direct circumvention of conventional wisdom. To the uninitiated members of this board they often accurately mistake the enthusiastic indifference of those who engage in the subtle exaggeration associated with fuzzy logic. I hope I haven’t been too specifically vague with my spoken thoughts. I am though cautiously optimistic that the bright night of day will dawn on those with pretty awful American English who benignly neglect to flesh out the boneless ribs of Voice over sound speech.

Geico Don LaFontaine Spot

Anncr: Paula Sayla is a real Geico customer. Not an actor…So to help tell her story, we hired that announcer guy from the movies...

Paula: When the storm hit, both our cars were totally
Underwater

Don : In a world where both of our cars were totally underwater

Paula: We thought it would take forever to get some help

Don : But a new wind was about to blow!

Paula: With Geico we had our check in two days

Don : Payback…This time it’s for real!!

Anncr: Geico, real service…real savings (

Janet: Macy’s, Gap, Casual Corner, Sears -- I can hardly believe all the ...

Husband: Slow down ... wait a minute. Something’s got you all excited.

Janet: Every store at Hechinger Mall is running a July 4th sale all week long!

Husband: Every store ... all week long?

Janet: Yes! Monday we can go to Sears and buy the comforter we’ve wanted.

Tuesday we can go to Gap and buy you a new suit and tie. Wednesday we can go to Casual Corner and ...

Husband: And cancel our dinner plans on Thursday and Friday? My tennis game on Tuesday? Dinner with the boss on Monday?

Janet: Bring the boss along! Bring them all along! In fact, who would want to miss a Hechinger Mall’s July 4th All-Week All-Store Sale?

Husband: Uh, Janet?

Janet: Yes, dear?

Husband: Call your lawyer.

Janet: Kaplan and Koppelman ... they’re in Hechinger Mall too ... but of course I’ll have to wait ‘til Monday! Remember the sale.

Wife: I’ll take the microwave.

Husband: I’ll take the television.

Wife: I’ll take the table.

Husband: I’ll take the bed.

Wife: I’ll take the kids!

Husband: The kids? What do you mean you’ll take the kids?

Wife: And the dog.

Husband: I’ll take the dog.

Wife: And I’ll take the house.

Husband: The silver.

Wife: The gold.

Husband: The money.

Wife: The money?

Anncr: Do yourself a big favor ... see a good attorney and eliminate the hassles of major trauma in your life. J. Gold Attorneys want to help. Call and set up a private consultation. J. Gold Attorneys. Let us intervene. That’s our business.

Man 1: Hello, Kinko’s, the Copy Center. More stores than you think. How may we help?

Man 2: Do you copy shirts?

Man 1: What do you mean “Do you copy shirts?”

Man 2: See, I started this new job ...

Man 1: Yeah ...?

Man 2: And they want me to wear white shirts every day.

Man 1: I’m with you so far.

Man 2: I thought since you guys copy anything, I could bring in one white shirt – my only white shirt -- and I could walk out of Kinko’s with say, 100 clean shirt-copies.

Man 1: Look. Kinko’s is very big on savings, and very big on copies, but

Man 2: Great! I’ll be right down to one of your many convenient locations, and

Man 1: Hold it! Stop the copiers, fella, this is ridiculous. We can’t copy your shirt or you. I mean, we could, but of course you’d only get shirt fronts, and of course the copies would be on paper.

(sexy R&B-type disco music)

Girl: Transform your lips with mirror shine.

Announcer: New Glam Shine from L'Oreal Paris. It's unique. The new heart-shaped wand bursts with moisturizing gloss. It smoothes and sweeps on liquid crystal shine. Glamorous, moisturized, mirror-shine. Indulge in the new Crystals Collection. New glam shine from L'Oreal with a unique heart-shaped wand.

Girl: Ready to make the world shine? Because you're worth it.

L.L. Bean clothing and gear have long been designed
to help you cope with almost every kind of climate,
including the economic climate.

Every item still made to last, with our 100% guarantee of satisfaction.
Call today for your free catalog.

Eyes: Yo! It’s your eyes talking. Looked in the mirror lately? Of course you have. Hey, face, you trying to imitate a prune? Too many trips to Cancun, huh? Well, maybe it’s time to improve your image.

Anncr: At Laser Image Sculpting, we not only offer the latest cosmetic laser technology, we offer extremely bright, highly experienced doctors. After all, the laser is a miracle, in the right hands.

Eyes: Hands? Yeah --- we see liver spots. Always hated liver.

Anncr: Laser Sculpting can also vaporize birthmarks and skin discolorations.

Eyes: Speaking of discolorations -- Brain, what were you thinking with the tattoo?

Anncr: Spider veins gone in a flash.

Eyes: Spider veins? Eek, makes our skin crawl.

Anncr: Acne scars smoothed in seconds.

Eyes: Scars? Like when your brother tripped you. We gonna have to look at that scar forever or what?

Anncr: You’d be amazed how fast and easy today’s cosmetic solutions can be – when performed by the best laser doctors. Call toll free, 1-800-2-IMAGE.

Eyes: Hey Brain, free! 1-800-2-IMAGE.

Anncr: LASER IMAGE SCULPTING. Our doctors make our lasers smarter.

Harry: Oh, Janet, what do you say we go skiing this weekend?

Janet: Harry, I’m afraid to go skiing.

Harry: Janet, then how about something really different, like hot air ballooning?

Janet: Harry, I’m afraid of heights.

Harry: Well then, Janet, let’s check out that new Indian restaurant down the street?

Janet: Harry, I’m afraid of spicy foods.

Harry: Janet, what do you say we get some health insurance?

Janet: Harry, that’s a great idea.

Harry: With Lifeguard Insurance, I know you’ll be ready to tackle anything. So Janet, after we get our Lifeguard Insurance policy, let’s go deep sea skin-diving.

Janet: Harry, how about a nice movie?

Anncr: Once upon a time, there were three sisters who couldn’t agree on anything.

1 Sis: Let’s go out for pizza.

2 Sis: I’d rather have sushi.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with a salad?

Anncr: Whatever the topic was, they each had their own favorite.

1 Sis: Let’s see a drama.

2 Sis: I’d rather see a comedy.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with a musical?

Anncr: And when it came to Liz Claiborne fragrances, things were obviously no different.

1 Sis: I like Vivid.

2 Sis: I prefer Realities.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with Liz Claiborne?

Anncr: So we decided to run a special promotion at Macy’s, and give a free gift with the purchase of any fragrance. But, they’re only available while supplies last. Favorite gift? Incidentally, would you believe those three sisters couldn’t even agree on their favorite gift?

1 Sis: I love the free tote bag.

2 Sis: I prefer the pocket mirror.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with the lipstick liner?

1st person: Hey Russell, how’s the fishin’?

2nd Person: Well, yesterday I caught a ten foot shark. Yep, and inside I found a pair of pants.

1st person: My goodness.

2nd person: Yep, and inside them pants was a wallet.

1st. Person: Wait a minute.

2nd person: Inside that wallet was a winning cash five ticket.

1st. Person: For one hundred grand?

2nd person: Yup...one lump sum.

1st. Person: That’s some day of fishin’!

2nd person I’ll say. I needed a new wallet.

Announcer: Now that the Connecticut Lottery has cash drawings every night, winning a hundred grand is starting to feel...well...everyday.

2nd person: Cash five,

1st & 2nd: Another day...another hundred thousand dollars.

(sexy lounge music, a little bit of dance mixed with jazz)

Announcer: Clump mascara?

Sexy whisper girl: So what.

Announcer: Now there's New Define-A-Lash from Maybelline New York. Our first clump-free that's longer, sexier, defined like never before.

Sexy whisper girl: Tell me more.

Announcer: Only our flexible brush is shaped to the lash. Only our formula guarantees zero clumps.

Sexy whisper girl: Define-a-lash.

Announcer: Now every lash is separated, elongated.

Sexy whisper girl: Perfectly defined.

Announcer: New Define-A-Lash. The clump-free look that's sexier. More refined.

Sexy whisper girl: Maybe she's born with it.

(Jingle: "Maybe it's Maybelline")

Man: Honey? What’s all our stuff doing in the driveway?

Women: It’s a Newsday spring cleanup sale. For only $19.95 we can put a two-line classified ad in Newsday for seven days. And with over two million readers...we’ll get results fast.

Man: Two lines, all additions, for only $19.95? That’s more than 50% savings off their regular rate. But if Newsday is having a clean-up sale, why does our driveway look like a flea market?

Women: Because there’s never been a better time for us to turn the things we don’t use into cash we can use.

Man: You mean appliances, jewelry, furniture, exercise equipment?

Women: Even your old guitar.

Man: Two lines, all additions, for only $19.95...are you sure?

Women: Of course I’m sure. I called Rudy.

Man: Who’s Rudy?

Women: He’s a classified Newsday sales consultant. He was really nice, and helpful.

Man: More than 50% off, and friendly service? Newsday really does have all we need.

Women: Cleanup with Newsday. Call us at 516-843-3000. That’s 516-843-3000.

Announcer: Wave hello to the new Neutrogena Wave. (buzzing sound of the device is heard) The vibrating cleanser that's going to shake up the way you wash your face.

Girl: I've used a lot of cleansers but I never tried anything like the wave!

Announcer: Just attach a pad, add some water, and turn it on. Gentle vibrations help open pores, so cool foam can clean 10 times deeper than traditional cleansing.

Girl: My skin looks softer right away. Even my friends noticed!

Announcer: Wave Hello to the new Neutrogena Wave Power Cleanser. Another buzzworthy example of why Neutrogena is recommended most by dermatologists.

Gee Brain,
What do you want to do tonight?

The same thing we do every night Pinky.
Try to take over the world.

Delivery: Pizza Hut delivery.

Wmn: Did you bring the bat and ball set?

Delivery: Yep.

Man: Great ... let’s choose up sides.

Anncr: Now that Pizza Hut delivers colorful soft foam autograph bat and ball sets, everyone’s getting into the game.

Wmn: I’ll take Sam, the elevator guy.

Man: I’ll take Ollie from the mailroom.

Wmn: Mrs. Byrne from office services.

Anncr: They feature some of your favorite Major League players, like Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson, Mike Piazza, and Greg Maddux.

Man: I’ll take Gus, you know, that guy who moves furniture.

Wmn: Hey, wait a second. He doesn’t work here.

Man: He does today.

Wmn: Fine. Then I get Emma Glinsmann from bookkeeping.

Man: The, uh, All-County Women’s Baseball MVP for three years running?

Wmn: (Sarcastic) Terrific.

Anncr: They’re so much fun, they’ll have you runnin’ the bases in no time. Get ‘em delivered or in store for $5.99 with any pizza purchase.

Wmn: Shhh, the boss is coming.

Boss: (Authoritative) Excuse me people, but what are you doing?

Man: (Nervously) Uh, we’re, uh, choosin’ up sides for a, uh, friendly game of office, uh, baseball, sir.

Boss: Not on my time, you’re not.

Man: You can play on my team, sir ...

Boss: Play ball!

Wmn: (Under her breath) Brown noser.

Anncr: PIZZA HUT. You’ll love the stuff we’re made of.

Boss: Wow, these bats sure pack a wallop.

Wmn: It’s all in your swing, sir.

Man: Brown noser.

Husband: Hi, honey. Picked up the dry cleaning.

Wife: Thanks.

Hus: And, I picked these up for you at the jewelers.

Wife: (Surprised, catches her breath) Oh! Sapphires.

Hus: Yea. Oh, and I stopped by your mother’s to bring her some flowers. Just before I did the grocery shopping. I got –

Wife: (Excitedly, finishing his sentence) -- ice cream?

Hus: (Proudly) Vanilla.

Wife: (Boiling over) You know I like chocolate chocolate chunk!

Hus: You no-good...selfish...insensitive...

Female Ancr: (in understanding tone) There’s an all too common opinion about

PMS. Simply, it’s an excuse for women to over-react. (SFX: Crash) Trust instead the opinions of those who know all too well the reality of PMS -- but manage it with PMS Escape. Cycle after cycle, thousands of women rely on PMS Escape – a clinically tested, fat-free dietary supplement formulated to manage the mood and appetite disturbances of PMS.

Hus: (Hopeful) Hey honey...I was thinking you and me getting away...maybe visiting the family...

Wife: Probably your family...right? We never visit my family.

Female Ancr: So, you can manage to be around everyone else. PMS ESCAPE. Freedom from the emotional and appetite disturbances of PMS. Available at most leading pharmacies. Or call, 1-800-PMS-6369.

Winchell: Our story begins on June 17th, 1972. A band of trained political saboteurs, the feared plumbers squad, entered Presidential Campaign Headquarters at the Watergate hotel. Seven men were arrested, however, one escaped.

Nixon: Pat! Pat! Lock the door!

Winchell: Feeling trapped in desperate betrayal on all sides, Nixon needed help, so on a grey Tuesday morning the Presidential limousine arrived at a fortress family like compound on Long Island, where a secret meeting was to take place.

Brando: Why didn’t you come to see me before? If you had come to see me before, the scum, the scum that devastated your daughter.... you wouldn’t be suffering this very day.

Nixon: You don’t understand, Godfather, my daughter is fine. I’m the one who’s suffering.

Brando: Then why did you come to see me, huh? What service may I do for you?

Nixon: I have to get out of the Watergate mess, quickly, so quickly you wouldn’t believe it.

Brando: Do you want justice?

Nixon: Not necessarily.....

Winchell: Nixon was now called before a federal grand jury to answer some questions. Entering the court room Richard Nixon was himself bugged by one reporter he did not want to talk to.

Cosell: This is Howard Cosell reporting. Mr. Nixon just a few words, please! You’ve been counted out before in ‘60 and ‘62... but you’ve always managed to resuscitate yourself. And now you face a most serious crisis. Probably the most serious crisis in the history of your career.

Nixon: Go away, Howard! Go away!

Cosell: Ladies and gentlemen, the word: Impeachment, the man: Richard Milhouse Nixon!

Nixon: The word: OBNOXIOUS!, the man: Howard Cosell!

Cosell: Well, fans, you’ve heard the spunk left in this game fighter. He’s entering the court room, now, back to the action.

Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! Silence! Or I’ll clear the room! Bailiff! Call the next witness!

Bailiff: Richard Nixon please take the stand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? Well?

Nixon: I’m thinking....

Judge: Mr. Perry Mason, please begin the cross examination.

Burr: Mr. Nixon, isn’t it true that you ordered the Watergate bugging?

Nixon: I went to China, I went to Russia..... I wasn’t in town....

Burr: Isn’t it true, Mr. Nixon, that you not only ordered but planned and participated in the Watergate bugging?

Nixon: I am not now, nor have I ever been, mechanically inclined!

Burr: Isn’t it true, Mr. Nixon hat you hate Democrats? Isn’t it true that you’ve always hated Democrats? Isn’t it true that as a young girl, your wife Pat, was bothered by a democrat.... who attempted to force her to change her voters registration in the back seat of a buick? Isn’t it true, Mr. Nixon? Isn’t it true?

Nixon: All right I’ll admit it! I’ll tell everything! Just get these damn jowls off my head! It’s true, I did it! I had to do it. I’d do it again! I had to stop the Democrats! They’re all a bunch of pinkos! Muskie was a Democrat, he didn’t know that! So was McGovern and Joe Stalin, too! (Shifts to Bogart in “Mutiny on the Bounty”)They plotted against me! They fought me at every turn! I tried to reason with them, but they wouldn’t listen to me! They had the keys to the food locker and strawberries! All my staff! Ehrlichman! Haldeman! Dean! Ah, Dean! Dean had more than HIS share of strawberries, he had cool whip on top of them! I knew it! I tried to fight them, but the wouldn’t listen to me!

Bob: I’ve been waiting for Barb to get in the mood...seems like 30 years now! That’s one helluva dry spell, let me tell ya.

Jerry: Why don’t you just give her a little TLC - talk her into a weekend of rollin’ at the Sahara?

Bob: TLC? I’m Totally Lost and Confused! Rollin’? What you talkin’ about, Jerry?

Jerry: At our age, what other kind of rollin’ is there? And at the Sahara, my Jenny’s the best roller this side of the Mississippi, FYI!

Bob: FYI? You’n yer damn ackermins. You mean Jen’s been rollin’ ya?

Jerry: Huh! Craps’s the only rollin’ she’s done since she turned sixty nine. (laughs) LOL, Bob!

Bob: What the hell is LOL?

ANNOUNCER: (stage whisper: “Laughing out loud, Bob!”) The Sahara Casino, the most fun you can have outside your hotel room.

Man: Ready? We’re off!

Woman: Oh no...I forgot to pack snacks for the kids.

Man: Okay...now we’re really off!

Woman: Oh! Honey. I forgot to get flowers for Grandma. Can’t get there empty-handed.

Anncr: With almost 200 Stop & Shop locations, throughout southern New England, chances are there’s always a Stop & Shop near you. Same great store wherever you go. So don’t worry. You can always Stop & Shop. Because for the best quality and great prices, nothing beats Stop & Shop. It’s that simple.

Man: Weee’re ooooff!

Boy: Dad? You forgot Mom! (Pause) Dad? Dad?

Mom: Moms aren’t supposed to get colds. Right! So, I take a cold medicine that’s supposed to make me feel better. Right! It wiped me out. I feel worse.

Anncr: Now ... cold relief with the power to make you feel better, not worse. New Sudafed Cold & Sinus. Cold relief so strong, you’d think it’d wipe you out ... But it’s Sudafed, so it’ll soothe your body and head aches ... and go all the way to relieve sinus pressure ...without any drowsy side effects.

Mom: And we need me better ... not worse.

Kids: Right! (Giggle)

Anncr: With new SUDAFED COLD & SINUS ... feel better, not worse.

Student (Burtrue): “ At TCI, I’m getting my degree in electronics engineering – in only 18 months!”

Announcer (Kristin): TCI College of Technology has been training students for exciting new careers since…

Mom: Careful at the party, hon. No alcohol, right?

Girl: I know mom.

Mom: Seriously, you're still growing, and it messes with your judgment.

Girl: Yeah, I know.

Mom: Trust me. You could do some things you don't really wanna do. If you're a grown woman its different, but you're not.

Girl: I know, ok? I know.

Announcer: Teenagers know everything. So talk about underage drinking before they know it all. Before they're teens. So start talking, before they start drinking.

1st person: Okay, sales are lagging, so let’s call twenty clients today, now here’s the plan.

2nd person: OK.

1st person: You call half and I’ll call half.

2nd person: Oh. I can’t take half.

1st person: What do you mean you can’t take half?

2nd person: Oh. I can’t. You see...I bought a new digital wireless phone from one of those PCS companies, and it only works in a couple of places.

1st person: What!

2nd person: Yeah, but by the end of the summer they said I should be able to call from almost anywhere.

1st person: What about from the highway?

2nd person: Oh, that depends.

1st person: On what?

2nd person: Is it spring of ‘2003 yet?

Announcer: Don’t get stuck with a digital wireless phone that doesn’t work everywhere. Use Verizon Wireless mobile digital choice service. We go further, so your phone can too. For wireless service that you can depend on, call Verizon Wireless.

1st person: So, it looks like I’m making all twenty calls.

2nd person: Well, what do you want me to do?

1st person: Call Verizon Wireless at 1-800-255 BELL.

Banker: Hello, and welcome to First Universal Federal Bilk, I mean bank.

Customer: Yes, I'd like to close my checking account

Banker: Well, let's take a look. Oh, you have our interest checking. What seems to be the problem?

Customer: I earned two cents last month.

Banker: Well, too bad.

Customer: I want more.

Banker: Well, baby can't have dessert until he eats his vegetables

Customer: What?

Banker: Maybe you should lock up your money in one of our CDs

Customer: No, I want interest, but I still wanna spend my money

Banker: Well, you know I wish I could fly. I wish clouds were made of ice cream. I wish I didn't have issues with my mother. I wish...

Customer: Just give me my money....please!

Announcer: Make your money work harder with Washington Mutual's Platinum Checking Account. It offers one of the best interest rates around and unlimited access to your money. To open your Platinum account, visit any Washington Mutual Financial center today.

Banker: I wish chocolate didn't go straight to my hips. I wish Fluffy hadn't run away.

Announcer: Washington Mutual. More human interest. Restrictions apply. Ask for details. FDIC insured.