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The Voice Over Practice Script Library

Script Genres > English Adult > Commercial > Dialogue

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A Voice Actor's Voice

Notes: I wrote this script kind of as a tribute to voice actors, but also to allow the person reading it to use some different intonation in his read. ** Please note: This script is meant to be read 'dry' with no music or sound effects... just use your voice, and speak naturally with a somewhat relaxed pace. :)

- Ron Jaffe (Muddyshoes)

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This... is my voice.

There is no music, and there are no sound effects... only the pure, clear sound, recorded for your ears.

I am a voice over artist, a voice actor, a voice talent, and I can convey my message in many ways, in many tones and with many emotions.

I can speak in a very light whisper, to share an intimate message with you. Or my voice can boom deeply, demanding respect from those who are listening. My voice can express sympathy to someone who has just experienced a great loss, or it can reflect the happiness one feels after having accomplished something great!

I sit (or stand) before this tube constructed of metals, of plastics, of wires and of silicon, which listens patiently to me, as if it were alive, like a mistress, hour after hour, day after day, and night after night. It never judges me, however it is a reflection of me... one which is neither vengeful, nor forgiving.

I am a voice actor...and this is my voice.

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A-1 Steak Sauce

Jerry: No A-1 for my hamburger???? Miss ... some A-1 please? Imagine, a great place like this without A-1 on the table!

Man: Yeah!

Jerry: Nothing like it on hamburgers ...

Man: You bet.

Jerry: After all, what’s hamburger? It’s chopped steak! And what’s better on steak than A-1? That’s why I have it at home all the time.

Man: So why didn’t you ask for it?

Jerry: Guess outta sight, outta mind. Miss ... some A-1 please?

Man: Ask for it!

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Alexander Lumber

Bill: Ahh man, split another board

Earl: Bill where'd you get this lumber from?

Bill: The discount lumber yard.

Earl: Well go figure. I wouldn't use this wood to build a dog house. Bill, our reputation is on the line. You know what I suggest you do?

Bill: Build a bonfire?

Earl: Well yeah, that's a start. But you need to go to Alexander Lumber. Quality lumber is their business, and our business depends on it.

Announcer: Whether you're a professional, or a do it yourselfer, Alexander Lumber has everything you need. Alexander Lumber.

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Allied Rentals

Arnie: Hey Jerry ... you mind if I borrow your hammer for a couple of hours tonight?

Jerry: Uh, sure, Arnie. Go ahead.

Arnie: Jerry, how was your weekend?

Jerry: It was fine. How was yours?

Arnie: Great, great. Say Jerry, we have a guest coming in tonight. Mind if I borrow that roll-away bed you’ve got?

Jerry: Borrow the bed? Well, I suppose, but only if you bring it back in the ...

Arnie: Jerry, I never heard a stereo with sound as good as yours. Would you mind if I borrowed it to show my cousin?

Jerry: The stereo, oh I don’t know ...

Arnie: It’s only for one night. I promise to bring it back tomorrow.

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Amoco Certicare "Service While You Sleep" 2

Interviewer: So. I understand you’re pretty busy.

Wmn: Really busy. Will this take long?

Int: No. It’s just a sixty second commercial.

Wmn: Good. Because, I’m --

Int: Busy. I know. Well, is there any time you’re not busy?

Wmn: Well, there’s always while I sleep.

Int: Well Certicare just introduced a program called “Service While You Sleep.”

Wmn: Why do they call it that?

Int: Because they service your car while you sleep.

Wmn: Catchy name.

Int: Glad you like it.. Just call 4-REPAIR. Certicare does the rest.

Interviewer: So. I understand you’re pretty busy.

Wmn: Really busy. Will this take long?

Int: No. It’s just a sixty second commercial.

Wmn: Good. Because, I’m --

Int: Busy. I know. Well, is there any time you’re not busy?

Wmn: Well, there’s always while I sleep.

Int: Well Certicare just introduced a program called “Service While You Sleep.”

Wmn: Why do they call it that?

Int: Because they service your car while you sleep.

Wmn: Catchy name.

Int: Glad you like it.. Just call 4-REPAIR. Certicare does the rest.

Wmn: 4-REPAIR. Got it. Will the call take long?

Int: No. Why?

Wmn: Because I’m ...

Int: Really busy.

Wmn: Got it.

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Amoco Certicare Service While You Sleep 1

Anncr: Amoco knows how busy you are ...

Wmn: I ... am the busiest person in the world.

Anncr: We know there’s never enough time in your day.

Wmn: I make instant oatmeal in the microwave ...

Anncr: We know it’s not always convenient to get your car repaired.

Wmn: I have mastered the art of being in 2 places at the same time ...

Anncr: So, Certicare will now fix your car at night -- while you’re asleep.

Wmn: My last vacation was a nap.

Anncr: New, “Service While You Sleep.” Just call 1-800-4-REPAIR. That’s 1-800-4-REPAIR. Certicare’s “Service While You Sleep.” Only at participating Amoco dealers.

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Amoco Certicare Service While You Sleep 1

Anncr: Amoco knows how busy you are ...
Wmn: I ... am the busiest person in the world.
Anncr: We know there’s never enough time in your day.
Wmn: I make instant oatmeal in the microwave ...
Anncr: We know it’s not always convenient to get your car repaired.
Wmn: I have mastered the art of being in 2 places at the same time ...
Anncr: So, Certicare will now fix your car at night -- while you’re asleep.
Wmn: My last vacation was a nap.
Anncr: New, “Service While You Sleep.” Just call 1-800-4-REPAIR. That’s 1-800-4-REPAIR. Certicare’s “Service While You Sleep.” Only at participating Amoco dealers.

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At a busy NYC Restaurant

"Yes waiter, could you tell me if the vegetables are autochthonous?"
"Autochthonous vegetables, just a moment sir."
"Hey Harry, is the endive autochthonous?"
"That's right Jim, 100% autochthonous on the endive"
"Why yes, they are autochthonous"
"I always buy autochthonous products when I can"

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Bartenders Professional Training Institute

(edgy rock music. A and B are same voice, one is a little more “echoed” than the other)

A: Who said work can’t be fun?

B: Train now at the Bartenders Professional Training Institute in Rochester.

A: And you could be bartending in just four short weeks.

B: The work’s fun.

A: The pay’s great.

B: And you meet some fabulous people.

A: Professional Bartending Schools of America.

B: Go to PBSA.com for details.

A: That’s PBSA.com

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Better Made Chips

Girl: Hey Dad, have you seen my bag of Barbeque Better Made Chips?

Dad: No

Girl: Hmm, I left them right here on the counter

Dad: Nope I haven’t seen anything

Girl: Hey, what’s this on your shirt? These are crumbs! Chip crumbs! You ate my

Better Made Chips!!!

Dad: Nuh-uh.

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Bullfrog Buddies...

(Note: This 'Muddyshoes Original' is a 3-Part script. Just wanted to write something quick with some emotion and sound effect challenges for the wonderfully talented folks here.. :)

Scene: 2 big, fat bullfrogs on a log, 'bout near sunset in a swamp down near Pigsuckle Holler... Wearin' straw hats if'n you imagine 'em to:

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Bub: Hey, Luther?

Luther: Yeah Bub...

Bub: Uh, Don't look now but Betty-Lou's comin' this a-way.

Luther: (Distressed) Uh oh ... she smilin' or scowlin'?

Bub: Oh, she's a scowlin, like a hound dog that ain't had no supper. Better go hide under that patch o' cat tails.

(Splashing noise)

Betty-Lou: LUTHERRRRRRRRRRR! Where you at you ole bug-eyed toad!?

Bub: I ain't seem 'em Betty Lou,

Betty-Lou: Well I don't 'spose you'd tell me if you did now, would you?

Bub: You know me, Betty-Lou, I don't like to mix with no family squabbles.

Betty-Lou: Well you tell 'em when you see 'em that I had to go to momma's, and i'll be back 'round midnight ... you hear?

Bub: Alright, Betty-Lou, I'll let 'em know.

(flopping noises from a jumping frog moving away)

Luther: (whispers) She gone? I hope she don't hear me.

Betty-Lou: (From a distance) LUTHERRRRR!!!!!, I knew you was there, I'm gonna tan your hide!

Luther: Uh Oh... (Splash and fast swimming noises...going away from mic.)

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Car Cash

Man: OK! You’re ready to sell your car. Right?

Woman: Right.

Man: Nothing’s wrong with it. You’re just ready for a change. You want the highest cash price.

Woman: Absolutely.

Man: But you’ve worked hard all day. Taken about forty phone calls. Worked with some pretty tough customers.

Woman: Ah. You’ve said it.

Man: The last thing you need is more hassle, right?

Woman: Right!

Man: So talk to Car Cash. Since 1977, Car Cash has been Americas biggest and most experienced car buying service. Don’t sell your car for less than true value. Or, spend hours with strangers who have no cash. Thousands of satisfied owners have sold their cars to Car Cash.

Woman: Perfect.

Man: So just call 1-800-Car Cash.

Woman: Hmmm...Car Cash...It’s the only way to go.

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Cellular South

SFX: Telephone ring, entire conversation takes place over the phone.

Mother: Hello?

Son: Hey, Mom.

Mother: Oh, hi sweetie.

Son: I’m at the police station -

Mother: What?! What happened?

Son: Nothing really.

Mother: You’re at the police station.

Son: Okay, well, it all started at the tattoo parlor...

Mother: Tattoo parlor?

Son: It’s no big deal. We all got one. Even Krystal.

Mother: Who’s Krystal?

Son: She’s a dancer at the club.

Mother: Club? But you’re 15 years old.

Son: It’s okay. Krystal’s 22 and she’s totally cool.

Mother: I thought you were going to a movie.

Son: We were but plans changed. I would’ve called but you wouldn’t let me have a cell phone.

Mother: Oh dear…

Annc: Well, that’s one way to convince your parents to get you a cell phone. You could also try being rational with them. Y’know, point out how Cellular South lets you talk all month for a flat-rate of $39.99. And gives your parents the peace of mind that moms and dads tend to want.

Son: Hey, mom? How old do you have to be to get married?

Annc: Sign up now and text all you want for a flat rate of just $5 a month. Move to the Cellular South. Stop by the store nearest you, visit cellularsouth.com, or call 877-CSOUTH1. Certain restrictions may apply.

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Chickenman

Narrator: The office of the Police Commissioner of Midland City.
Commissioner: Yes, come in.
Benton Harbor: Ah, Commissioner?
Commissioner: What? Oh, yes I am.
Benton Harbor: My name is Benton Harbor.
Narrator: He carries in his right hand, a large suitcase.
Commissioner: Put down your large suitcase Mr. Harbor, and tell me what I can do for you.
Benton Harbor: Monday through Friday Commissioner, I am regularly employed as a shoe salesman for a large downtown department store.
Commissioner: Yes.
Benton Harbor: However, my weekends will be free and therefore I will be available to you as the most fantastic crime fighter the world has ever known.
Commissioner: And you will be known as?
Benton Harbor: I will be known as Chickenman.
Commissioner: Miss Hellfinger, please bring your notepad and pencil and
come into my office immediately.
Miss Hellfinger: Yes sir.
(Door)
Commissioner: Thank you for coming so quickly. Miss Hellfinger this is Mr. Benton Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Hello Miss Harbor.
Miss Hellfinger: No, I’m Miss Hellfinger, you’re Mr. Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Oh yes, how do you do?
Commissioner: Please take a note Miss Hellfinger that Mr. Harbor will be available on weekends to fight crime as….
Miss Hellfinger: Yes
Commissioner: Chickenman.
Miss Hellfinger: Chickenman?
Benton Harbor: Chickenman.
Narrator: Benton Harbor opens the large suitcase. He removes from it a strange costume covered with tiny feathers immediately he begins climbing into it.
Benton Harbor: Would eh somebody give me a hand, please.
Miss Hellfinger: Of course.
Commissioner: Certainly.
Benton Harbor: Just hold up the left wing, please, that’s it fine, there you go.
Commissioner: Miss Hellfinger we’ll need to know how to get in touch with Mr. Harbor.
Benton Harbor: Now the right wing.
Miss Hellfinger: May I have your phone number Mr. Harbor?
Benton Harbor: Of course, watch the feathers please. My phone number is
Narrator: Wellllll, born this day in midland city, the white winged warrior,
who will strike terr-or into the hearts of criminals everywhere
Benton Harbor: Would somebody want to get my zipper back there please?
Miss Hellfinger: Yes, of course.
Benton Harbor: oop, watch it back there.

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Cinderella's Princess Court

Jersey Girl: I saw her up on 5th and 55th street...She’s such a princess

Cabbie: I was about to pick her up but then this fancy horse-drawn carriage came along from outta nowhere. I was like: Hey! Is that thing street legal???

Jazz Musician: I like to call her Cindy Rell. Sweetest thing ya ever seen! We was warming up and she struts in with her gown and the crown and the glass on the feet an all that jazz! So we’s ask her to sit in on a session and she says yes, so we’s lights it up. And we wuz swinging and sliding and sizzlin bacon fat wiggling and giggling... Jigglin like some marshmallows on a slow open fire... Cookin baby cookin! That Cindy Rell sure can groove in those glass slippers of hers!

Cabbie: If I had to sum her up in one word, it would be enchanting! I mean... call me prince charming, man... I am in LOVE!

Jersey Girl: So then I run into her in this cafe... and we started talkin... I was like: I’ve got two evil step sisters too!

Uptown Woman: All these little girls are walking around, looking like her... little crowns and everything, So well behaved. so darling!

Fashion Designer: Ever since she got here, all I’m hearing is glass slipper this and glass slippers that... I’ve got so many back orders. I have got to get in touch with this fairy godmother of hers!

Announcer: Manhattan may never be the same again. Join Cinderella and her princess court for a one of a kind experience, available only at the World of Disney store on 5th avenue. Here your little girl will enter into an extraordinary kingdom of magic and wonder where songs and games ignite her imagination. She’ll be crowned in a special princess ceremony and become part of an enchanted world that only dreams are made of. Cinderella’s Princess Court, an immersive entertainment experience now open for all princesses at the World of Disney store.

Announcer 2: A spot is specially reserved for Disney’s Visa Card members at every Cinderella’s Princess Court show on a first come first served basis. To learn more, or apply for the card, visit worldofdisney.com or call 1-877-669-0638. Disney’s Visa Card available to U. S. Residents, 18 or older, and are subject to credit approval.

Cinderella: Now the city that never sleeps has even more reason to dream. Don’t miss the grand opening of the World of Disney store on October 5th at 5t avenue and 55th street.

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Citi Dividend Platinum Select Card For College Students

Daughter: Mom, could we talk about getting me a credit card?

Mom: No way. Too many college students get themselves in debt that way.

Daughter: Yeah, but I’m talking about the Citi Dividend Platinum Select Card just for

students. It’ll give me up to 5% cash back on purchases, so its like I’m actually earning money! Plus they’re giving me 0% APR for the first 6 months.

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Clear Eyes Dryness

Eye Guy: Eye-Guy here.
Woman: A talking eyeball!?
Eye Guy: The spokeseyeball for Clear Eyes brand. Ready for an eye-Q test?
Woman: Okay
Eye Guy: Know what causes dry eyes?
Woman: Lack of moisture?
Eye Guy: Yup! It can cause eye health problems.
Woman: Uh oh…
Eye Guy: Luckily there’s a Clear Eyes Tears formula for mild, moderate, severe dryness. Even for night time relief. Each bathes eyes with extra moisturizers that restore a healthy amount of moisture, for up to 8 hours of soothing comfort. So for dry eyes, revital-eyes… moisture-eyes… with Clear Eyes Tears Formulas.
Woman: Thanks Mr Spokeseyeball!
Eye Guy: Just call me Eyeguy.

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Columbus Blue Jackets

Wife: Hey honey, let’s check out that new partners website you’ve been talking about

Husband: Really?? Are...are you sure?

Wife: Yeah! I know how much you want to, so, what the heck...let’s do it!

Husband: Alright! Let me just pull up the website...

Wife: You already have it book marked?

Husband: Umm... Guilty

Okay, let’s try... Columbus area couple seeks partners to share their...passion. Need a commitment for at least 10 to 20 times a year...

Wife: Sounds good! Do you think we’ll get a response?

Husband: We should! It’s the hottest thing in Columbus...

Announcer: Columbus, are you ready for some fast, hard hitting action? Then check out the Columbus Blue Jackets’ new Personal Seat License Partner Program. We’ll find you a partner who loves the Blue Jackets as much as you do, but doesn’t want to... or can’t commit to... a full season’s worth of games or the full cost of a PSL. To find your partner, visit www.columbusbluejackets.com, or call 1-800-NHL-COLS today. But you better hurry - once these seats are gone, they’re gone for good. The Columbus Blue Jackets. Your team!

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Curve For Men

Male Announcer: Watch how Curve for Men makes finding a Saturday night date easier than ever. Just two sprays and…..

Girl: Oh, hey Brian. I was just wondering, what are you doing this Saturday?

Male Announcer: Mission Accomplished.

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Cybertipline.com

Man: Seducing teen girls online is easy. They love talking to someone

Girl: Someone older I can trust. They understand me better than other teens

Man: Teen girls are very trusting. You can wear down the suspicions they

Girl: They have an understanding of real love. They know nothing matters when you're totally in love

Man: Love is the final piece of the puzzle. They believe anything I tell them because I

Girl: I don't see why you shouldn't meet someone you trust. I mean there's no danger in meeting

Man: Meeting them is always the goal. That's when things get really interesting.

Girl Announcer: Online predators know what they're doing. Do you?

Announcer: Visit cybertipline.com. A message from The National Centre for Missing and Exploited Children and the AdCouncil

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David Goldberg Critiques Hal

There is no script for this read. It is a collection of various contest critiques of David Goldberg and applied to how he might assess Hal (the computer from 2001 A Space Odyssey). All in good fun.

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Dragon Age - Inquisition

Dragon Age – Inquisition
This is a voice over competition that’s open to everyone. (legal residents of, Australia, Canada (excluding Quebec), New Zealand, United Kingdom and the United States (including the District of Columbia). Bioware and Dragon Age franchise has put a call out to voice over talents to voice a character in Dragon Age Inquisition. Depending on which script you pick you’ll either be playing the the part of the Villager or Seneschal. The contest closes on March 24, 2014.
For scripts, notes and full details on how to enter go to http://blog.bioware.com/2014/02/25/take-your-place-in-the-inquisition/

Scene One: A villager confronts the Inquisitor, who is passing through the area.
You are playing the part of the Villager
Villager: Oh. If it isn’t the Inquisitor. What do you want with us?
Inquisitor: I want nothing from you. Has there been trouble in the area?
Villager: Trouble? (Laughs) I’ve lost two sons and a sister to this war. Everyone around here’s lost someone. Is that trouble enough for you, your Worship?
Inquisitor: I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Villager: You can turn right around and leave the way you came.
Inquisitor: I didn’t start this war. I’m trying to stop it.
Villager: Does it matter? I know you. I know people like you, playing your games, sending my boys to fight your battles.
Villager: When it’s all over, do you think it makes a whit of difference who wins? Gaspard or Celene… all the same to us, down here in the dirt.
Inquisitor: It’ll make a difference. I’ll make sure things get better.
Villager: Just words. It’ll be better when the dead come home, and not even the Maker can do that.

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Drees Homes

Woman: Energy-efficient?
Man: Exceptionally. Energy Star efficiency radically reduces utility usage.
Woman: (THINKING) Hmm… gratifyingly green
Man: and definitely durable, with our rare reputation of eighty years of excellence.
Woman: Yowsa! You’re incredibly informative.
Man: And you are positively pleasant.
Woman: I’ll line up a look-see soon. Bye-bye.
Man: Ta-ta
Announcer: Your Vision. Our versatility. Incredible value. Drees Homes. Custom homes without the custom price. Stop by a Drees model home today or visit Dreeshomes.com
Alternative Announcer: Why setter for standard when you can make your home outstanding? Drees Homes. Custom homes without the custom price. Stop by a Drees model home today or visit Dreeshomes.com

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Drees Homes

SFX: Phone rings
Man: Drees Homes, how may I help you?
Woman: (through the telephone) Hi, I’m looking for a new home and I head Drees makes fabulous feasible.
Man: Completely correct.
Woman: You can make sensational sensible?
Man: Absolutely accurate.
Woman: Hmm. Sounds like dazzling would be doable.
Man: you got it girl.
Woman: How does this happen?
Man: With a plethora of plans that are flabbergastingly flexible and decadently deep in design options.
Woman: So I can customize without compromise?
Man: Totally true.
Woman: How pleasing are prices?
Man: Wicked wonderful from the $110’s.

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Energy Star

MUSIC: Police theme type music

ENERGY STAR: This is the city. There are a million appliances here. Most are hardworking. Occasionally, however, one goes bad - wasting energy and running up utility costs. That's where I come in. I wear a star. The Energy Star. I was working the day shift when the call came in.

DISPATCHER: Energy Star, clothes washer wasting family money!

ENERGY STAR: We arrived just in time!

WOMAN: Thank goodness you're here! Our clothes washer....

WASHER: Give me more juice! More Juice!

ENERGY STAR: Is he always this agitated?

WOMAN: He's going through a bad cycle.

WASHER: Hey! Why can't we go for a little spin?

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, it's time for and Energy Star qualified clothes washer.

WOMAN: Just because he's in hot water?

WASHER: I want more juice!

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, and Energy Star qualified washer can save your family nearly $650 over the life of your washer depending on your usage.

WOMAN: Six hundred and fifty dollars????

ENERGY STAR: Yes, ma'am.

WOMAN: Take him away! Oh, wait, let me get my stockings out first....

WASHER: Hey You! Get your filthy hands off me! I want my lawyer!

ENERGY STAR: The figures you have just heard are true. Look for Energy Star lighting appliances wherever appliances are sold.

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Energy Star

Script:

ENERGY STAR: This is the city. There are a million appliances here. Most are hardworking. Occasionally, however, one goes bad - wasting energy and running up utility costs. That's where I come in. I wear a star. The Energy Star. I was working the day shift when the call came in.

DISPATCHER: Energy Star, clothes washer wasting family money!

ENERGY STAR: We arrived just in time!

WOMAN: Thank goodness you're here! Our clothes washer....

WASHER: Give me more juice! More Juice!

ENERGY STAR: Is he always this agitated?

WOMAN: He's going through a bad cycle.

WASHER: Hey! Why can't we go for a little spin?

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, it's time for and Energy Star qualified clothes washer.

WOMAN: Just because he's in hot water?

WASHER: I want more juice!

ENERGY STAR: Ma'am, and Energy Star qualified washer can save your family nearly $650 over the life of your washer depending on your usage.

WOMAN: Six hundred and fifty dollars????

ENERGY STAR: Yes, ma'am.

WOMAN: Take him away! Oh, wait, let me get my stockings out first....

WASHER: Hey You! Get your filthy hands off me! I want my lawyer!

ENERGY STAR: The figures you have just heard are true. Look for Energy Star lighting appliances wherever appliances are sold.

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Ethan Allen

Man: Honey?

Woman: Yea?

Man: If you could have just one thing on a desert island, what would it be?

Woman: You!

Man: You’ve already got me, what else?

Woman: A sale.

Man: What good is a sail without a boat?

Woman: Not that kind of a sale. The Ethan Allen Essential Sale.

Man: Come on.

Woman: I’m serious. You see, that way all the essentials will be covered.

From sofas to dining sets to entertainment units to home accessories. We’d have everything we’d ever need.

Man: Well you know what they say?

Woman: What?

Man: All you need is loooove.

Woman: Did I mention the bedroom stuff?

Man: Hmmm, now you’re talking. Just the two of us. In our island paradise, lounging on beautiful Ethan Allen furniture. When do we leave?

Woman: Right now. The sale’s about to end.

Man: What happened to the island?

Woman: Well, I figure with the right furniture, we’ll make our own little paradise right here. Now we have to hurry. The Essential Sale’s almost over.

Anncr: Come in and discover the many items on sale at the Ethan Allen store nearest you, in New Jersey and New York. Hurry in. The sale ends April 6th.

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Geico Don Lafontaine Spot

Geico Don LaFontaine Spot

Anncr: Paula Sayla is a real Geico customer. Not an actor…So to help tell her story, we hired that announcer guy from the movies...

Paula: When the storm hit, both our cars were totally
Underwater

Don : In a world where both of our cars were totally underwater

Paula: We thought it would take forever to get some help

Don : But a new wind was about to blow!

Paula: With Geico we had our check in two days

Don : Payback…This time it’s for real!!

Anncr: Geico, real service…real savings (

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Hechinger Mall

Janet: Macy’s, Gap, Casual Corner, Sears -- I can hardly believe all the ...

Husband: Slow down ... wait a minute. Something’s got you all excited.

Janet: Every store at Hechinger Mall is running a July 4th sale all week long!

Husband: Every store ... all week long?

Janet: Yes! Monday we can go to Sears and buy the comforter we’ve wanted.

Tuesday we can go to Gap and buy you a new suit and tie. Wednesday we can go to Casual Corner and ...

Husband: And cancel our dinner plans on Thursday and Friday? My tennis game on Tuesday? Dinner with the boss on Monday?

Janet: Bring the boss along! Bring them all along! In fact, who would want to miss a Hechinger Mall’s July 4th All-Week All-Store Sale?

Husband: Uh, Janet?

Janet: Yes, dear?

Husband: Call your lawyer.

Janet: Kaplan and Koppelman ... they’re in Hechinger Mall too ... but of course I’ll have to wait ‘til Monday! Remember the sale.

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Hectic Mom

Mom: As a mom, life can get pretty hectic.
Son: Mom Buddy's drinking out of the toilet again!
Mom: What! Where's all the water?
Son: Your standing in it!
Mom: What! Oh My Gosh! That's why I use Milton's Meatloaf it's fast, easy, and no mess. I wish life could be that easy.
Son: Oh, Oh
Mom: Tommy!!

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Hell on Wheels

SFX: Computer keys being punched
Cheryl: Honey, what do you think of this little red two seater?
Keith: Uh, it’s a nice car.
Cheryl: (gets more and more excited) Yeah, you gotta be a wild woman to drive one of those mean machines. Wooie! All that power. I could tear up the highway. Just watch out boys, mama’s coming through! Let’s get it baby!
Keith: Uh, sweetie I thought you said you needed a minivan for carpool.
Cheryl: What’s your point?
Keith: Nothin’ baby.
Cheryl: Fine, we don’t have to get the convertible. But I’m putting racing stripes on the mini-van.
Keith: Whatever you want, sweetie.
Announcer: The AJC and ajccars.com. Where Atlanta finds a car.

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High School Dance

Rachel: So, your seriously not coming to the dance tonight?
Cassandra: No why would I?
Rachel: Because it would be so much fun! Seriously Cassie come. Stop being such a social outcast.
Cassandra: Fun?! You think going to one school function dance where people all gather together and pretend to like each other is fun? No thanks! I think I’ll pass on this one. Besides I like my social status in school just fine where it is. Oh and Rachel, don’t call me Cassie. It’s so peppy.
Rachel: Fine whatever. My date is picking me up soon so I have to go get dressed.
Cassandra: Wait, who are you going with anyway?
Rachel: Well, I’m going with Neil.
Cassandra: (laughs) Sorry, couldn’t contain myself. Why are you going with him? I thought you called him the “creepiest, weirdest, nerdiest thing on the planet”.
Rachel: He is. The only reason I’m going with him is because he promised me he would help me with my science and math projects.
Cassandra: You are so evil.
Rachel: Thanks, I get it all from you my favorite twin sister. I’ll be back before 11.
Cassandra: OK have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Rachel: With Neil!? Trust me I won’t.

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I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing!

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing

Ralph: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
Wife: You ate it Ralph.
Ralph: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
Wife: No Ralph, I ate it.
Ralph: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
Wife: Take two Alka-Seltzer.

Announcer: Alka-Seltzer neutralizes all the acid your stomach has churned out. For your upset stomach and headache take Alka-Seltzer and feel better fast.

Wife: Did you drink your Alka-Seltzer?
Ralph: The whole thing!

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I Love You, Man!

Johnny:
Dad?

Dad:
Yeah?

Johnny:
There's ah somethin' I want to tell you.

Dad:
What is it son?

Johnny:
Well dad,
you're my dad,
and I love ya man!

Dad:
You're not getting my Bud light Johnny.

Announcer:
For the great taste that will never fill you up and won't let you down.....
make it a Bud Light.

Johnny:
Ray

Ray:
Forget it Johnny.

Contributed by Richurd

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I Will

Man: Will you embrace the timelessness of now,
before it disappears into the world?
Woman: I will
Man: Before this moment melts into tomorrow.
Woman: I will
Man: Will you hold me?
Woman: Yes
Man: Will you?
Woman: Yes
Man: Stay here inside our love lined with arms that won't let go,
Woman: You know I will.
Man: With you in between the risk of letting go and the firm hold of forever.
Woman: I will
Man: Will you talk with me?
Woman: Yes
Man: Will you?
Woman: Yes
Man: Can you kiss my lips while we speak of nothing that needs to be said,
Woman: Yes
Man: everything we will.
Woman:Yes we will.
Man: Will you stay?
Woman: Yes
Man:Will you?
Woman: I will

BC Bumpus written Nov. 2010

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J. Gold Attorneys

Wife: I’ll take the microwave.

Husband: I’ll take the television.

Wife: I’ll take the table.

Husband: I’ll take the bed.

Wife: I’ll take the kids!

Husband: The kids? What do you mean you’ll take the kids?

Wife: And the dog.

Husband: I’ll take the dog.

Wife: And I’ll take the house.

Husband: The silver.

Wife: The gold.

Husband: The money.

Wife: The money?

Anncr: Do yourself a big favor ... see a good attorney and eliminate the hassles of major trauma in your life. J. Gold Attorneys want to help. Call and set up a private consultation. J. Gold Attorneys. Let us intervene. That’s our business.

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Joe Pesci - With Honors

Pesci:
You asked a question sir
Let me answer it.
The genius of the Constitution
Is that it can always be changed.
The genius of the Constitution
Is that it makes no permanent rule
Other than its faith
In the wisdom of ordinary people
to govern themselves.

Vidal:
Faith in the wisdom of the people
Is exactly what makes the constitution
Incomplete and crude.

Pesci:
Crude?
No sir,
Our founding parents were
Pompous middle aged white farmers.
But they were also great men.
Because they knew one thing
that all great men should know.
That they didn’t know everything.
They knew they were going to make mistakes.
But they made sure to leave a way to correct them.
They didn’t think of themselves as leaders.
They wanted a government of citizens.
Not royalty.
A government of listeners.
Not lecturers.
A government that could change not stand still.
The President isn’t an elected King.
No matter how many bombs he can drop.
Because the crude Constitution doesn’t
Trust him.
He’s a servant of the people.
He’s a Bum.
OK, Mister Pitcannon.
He’s just a bum.
The only bliss that he is searching for is freedom.
And justice.

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Kelly's Heroes

Oddball:
You see now we like to feel that we can get outa trouble,
Quicker than we got into it.

Oddball:
We got a loud speaker here and when we go into battle
We play music VERY LOUD.
It kind of
Calms us down.

Moriarity:
Suppose the Bridge ain’t there.

Oddball:
Huh, oh man, don’t hit me with those negative waves so early in the mornin’
Think that bridge will be there,
And it’ll be there.

Oddball:
It’s a mother beautiful bridge and it’s going to be there.
OK.

Moriarity:
Oh, OK chief.

Oddball:
No it ain’t. See what sendin’ out those negative waves did Moriarity?

Moriarity:
Hey, It ain’t my fault oddball.
I’ve done nothing but have good thoughts about that damn bridge,
Ever since we left.

Oddball:
It looks like we’re gonna find ourselves another bridge.

Moriarity:
And where we gonna come up with another bridge?

Oddball:
There you go, more negative waves,
Have a little faith, baby.
Have a little faith.

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Kinko’s

Man 1: Hello, Kinko’s, the Copy Center. More stores than you think. How may we help?

Man 2: Do you copy shirts?

Man 1: What do you mean “Do you copy shirts?”

Man 2: See, I started this new job ...

Man 1: Yeah ...?

Man 2: And they want me to wear white shirts every day.

Man 1: I’m with you so far.

Man 2: I thought since you guys copy anything, I could bring in one white shirt – my only white shirt -- and I could walk out of Kinko’s with say, 100 clean shirt-copies.

Man 1: Look. Kinko’s is very big on savings, and very big on copies, but

Man 2: Great! I’ll be right down to one of your many convenient locations, and

Man 1: Hold it! Stop the copiers, fella, this is ridiculous. We can’t copy your shirt or you. I mean, we could, but of course you’d only get shirt fronts, and of course the copies would be on paper.

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L'oreal Glam Shine

(sexy R&B-type disco music)

Girl: Transform your lips with mirror shine.

Announcer: New Glam Shine from L'Oreal Paris. It's unique. The new heart-shaped wand bursts with moisturizing gloss. It smoothes and sweeps on liquid crystal shine. Glamorous, moisturized, mirror-shine. Indulge in the new Crystals Collection. New glam shine from L'Oreal with a unique heart-shaped wand.

Girl: Ready to make the world shine? Because you're worth it.

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Laser Image Sculpting

Eyes: Yo! It’s your eyes talking. Looked in the mirror lately? Of course you have. Hey, face, you trying to imitate a prune? Too many trips to Cancun, huh? Well, maybe it’s time to improve your image.

Anncr: At Laser Image Sculpting, we not only offer the latest cosmetic laser technology, we offer extremely bright, highly experienced doctors. After all, the laser is a miracle, in the right hands.

Eyes: Hands? Yeah --- we see liver spots. Always hated liver.

Anncr: Laser Sculpting can also vaporize birthmarks and skin discolorations.

Eyes: Speaking of discolorations -- Brain, what were you thinking with the tattoo?

Anncr: Spider veins gone in a flash.

Eyes: Spider veins? Eek, makes our skin crawl.

Anncr: Acne scars smoothed in seconds.

Eyes: Scars? Like when your brother tripped you. We gonna have to look at that scar forever or what?

Anncr: You’d be amazed how fast and easy today’s cosmetic solutions can be – when performed by the best laser doctors. Call toll free, 1-800-2-IMAGE.

Eyes: Hey Brain, free! 1-800-2-IMAGE.

Anncr: LASER IMAGE SCULPTING. Our doctors make our lasers smarter.

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Let's Go To The Park

KID: HEY GRANDPA, I’M BORED; DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDPA: WHAT? YOU HAVE TO FART? WELL THEN GET AWAY FROM ME!

KID: NO, THE PARK. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDPA: OH, THE PARK. YEAH, LET’S SEE IF OUR FRIENDS WANNA GO TOO. GRANDMA YOU WANNA GO TO THE PARK?

GRANDMA: WHAT? YA SAY YOU GOTTA FART?

GRANDPA: NO, THE PARK. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE KID TO THE PARK?

GRANDMA: OH, YES THAT SOUNDS FUN! LET’S ASK THE MAID IF SHE WANTS TO GO TOO.

MAID: WHY YES! THAT SOUNDS UTTERLY DELIGHTFUL! DO YOU MIND IF I BRING A FRIEND OR TWO?

KID: YEAH, BRING WHOEVER YOU WANT IT’LL BE FUN!

MAID: CINDY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PARK WITH US ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?

CINDY: O.M.G.! I WOULD LIKE TOTALLY LOVE TO GO! WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? DO I NEED MAKE-UP? AM I BREAKING OUT? ARE THERE GONNA BE ANY CUTE BOYS?

KID: YOU LOOK FINE. BUT I’M BRINGING SOME OF MY FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT FRIENDS YOU MIGHT LIKE.

CINDY: OH REALLY? I HOPE THEY’RE HOT…

INDIAN: HOT AS A TAMALE IN THE SAHARA DESERT! BUT NOT AS HOT AS YOU, PRETTY MAMA. RIGHT, FERNANDO?

FERNANDO: YES, SHE IS SO GORGEOUS. THE WAY THE LIGHT TWINKLES IN HER EYE JUST TAKES MY BREATH AWAY…

CINDY: HAHAHA OH STOP! YOU’RE LIKE MAKING ME BLUSH!

KID: NOW THAT EVERYONE KNOWS EACH OTHER, YOU GUYS READY TO GO HAVE SOME FUN?

GRANDPA: YOU KNOW IT!

GRANDMA: SOUNDS PEACHY!

MAID: OH YES!

CINDY: LIKE TOTALLY!

INDIAN: YOU BETCHA!

FERNANDO: COUNT ME IN!

KID: AWESOME!

EVERYONE: LET’S GO TO THE PARK!

CINDY: WHATEVER! LIKE I DIDN’T FART!

EVERYONE: LAUGHING

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Lifeguard Insurance

Harry: Oh, Janet, what do you say we go skiing this weekend?

Janet: Harry, I’m afraid to go skiing.

Harry: Janet, then how about something really different, like hot air ballooning?

Janet: Harry, I’m afraid of heights.

Harry: Well then, Janet, let’s check out that new Indian restaurant down the street?

Janet: Harry, I’m afraid of spicy foods.

Harry: Janet, what do you say we get some health insurance?

Janet: Harry, that’s a great idea.

Harry: With Lifeguard Insurance, I know you’ll be ready to tackle anything. So Janet, after we get our Lifeguard Insurance policy, let’s go deep sea skin-diving.

Janet: Harry, how about a nice movie?

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Liz Claiborne Fragrances

Anncr: Once upon a time, there were three sisters who couldn’t agree on anything.

1 Sis: Let’s go out for pizza.

2 Sis: I’d rather have sushi.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with a salad?

Anncr: Whatever the topic was, they each had their own favorite.

1 Sis: Let’s see a drama.

2 Sis: I’d rather see a comedy.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with a musical?

Anncr: And when it came to Liz Claiborne fragrances, things were obviously no different.

1 Sis: I like Vivid.

2 Sis: I prefer Realities.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with Liz Claiborne?

Anncr: So we decided to run a special promotion at Macy’s, and give a free gift with the purchase of any fragrance. But, they’re only available while supplies last. Favorite gift? Incidentally, would you believe those three sisters couldn’t even agree on their favorite gift?

1 Sis: I love the free tote bag.

2 Sis: I prefer the pocket mirror.

3 Sis: And what’s wrong with the lipstick liner?

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Lottery

1st person: Hey Russell, how’s the fishin’?

2nd Person: Well, yesterday I caught a ten foot shark. Yep, and inside I found a pair of pants.

1st person: My goodness.

2nd person: Yep, and inside them pants was a wallet.

1st. Person: Wait a minute.

2nd person: Inside that wallet was a winning cash five ticket.

1st. Person: For one hundred grand?

2nd person: Yup...one lump sum.

1st. Person: That’s some day of fishin’!

2nd person I’ll say. I needed a new wallet.

Announcer: Now that the Connecticut Lottery has cash drawings every night, winning a hundred grand is starting to feel...well...everyday.

2nd person: Cash five,

1st & 2nd: Another day...another hundred thousand dollars.

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Maybelline Clump Free Mascara

(sexy lounge music, a little bit of dance mixed with jazz)

Announcer: Clump mascara?

Sexy whisper girl: So what.

Announcer: Now there's New Define-A-Lash from Maybelline New York. Our first clump-free that's longer, sexier, defined like never before.

Sexy whisper girl: Tell me more.

Announcer: Only our flexible brush is shaped to the lash. Only our formula guarantees zero clumps.

Sexy whisper girl: Define-a-lash.

Announcer: Now every lash is separated, elongated.

Sexy whisper girl: Perfectly defined.

Announcer: New Define-A-Lash. The clump-free look that's sexier. More refined.

Sexy whisper girl: Maybe she's born with it.

(Jingle: "Maybe it's Maybelline")

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Monkey Business

Intro music –

MC- Well hello everybody, and welcome to mental-peace theater.

Monkey- Hey, how ya' doing... good to see everybody.

Audience – Ahhhh ( surprise)

MC- Today we have a very special guest in the theater, the captain of the flying monkey... Hello sir and how are you today?

Monkey- I dont know why everybody always so surprised that we talk,, I mean,, you weren’t that surprised when we flew in the movies so why the surprise now,, but anyway,,, I'm here representing the flying monkeys from the Wizard of OZ. You know the Lion, the Scarecrow , the Tin man,,, even the dog they all had big press coverage,, but the flying monkeys nothing and we were the working stiffs of the crew.

MC- So tell us, what was your motivation to become a flying monkeys ??

Monkey- Well you know when you live in the magical world, it's not a good idea to stand next to the Wicked Witch of the west , and say “When monkeys fly out my Butt” , I don’t think I need to say any more,,,, but I'll tell ya,,, that Lion , couldn’t walk for a month. but you know it's not like us Monkeys to just sit around and Nit pick,,,, well actually its sorta fun,, you sorta dig underneath the fur there,,, well,, never mind...

MC-So are you working for more work now? Or just drawing on the royalties of your past work?

Monkey- We're just glad to be back together, and like to see some of the old gang again. unfortunately as you know, the Witch is all washed up now. But the rest of the gang and I still enjoy old times. We're always looking for a new a new gig,, you know me and some of the guys have been doing some birthday parties, a couple of stripper nights , ,,, I hear Louie even did a , “When Monkeys go wild” video,,, but ,, I shouldn’t bring that up now...

MC- Well,,, This has been most entertaining, but unfortunately it's time for us to go ....

Monkey-Yeah, time flies,,and so do Mokeys!

MC- Oh, my... well , Thank you very much and see you next time.

Exit Music,, Fade in -( intro music played backwards)

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Newsday Advertising

Man: Honey? What’s all our stuff doing in the driveway?

Women: It’s a Newsday spring cleanup sale. For only $19.95 we can put a two-line classified ad in Newsday for seven days. And with over two million readers...we’ll get results fast.

Man: Two lines, all additions, for only $19.95? That’s more than 50% savings off their regular rate. But if Newsday is having a clean-up sale, why does our driveway look like a flea market?

Women: Because there’s never been a better time for us to turn the things we don’t use into cash we can use.

Man: You mean appliances, jewelry, furniture, exercise equipment?

Women: Even your old guitar.

Man: Two lines, all additions, for only $19.95...are you sure?

Women: Of course I’m sure. I called Rudy.

Man: Who’s Rudy?

Women: He’s a classified Newsday sales consultant. He was really nice, and helpful.

Man: More than 50% off, and friendly service? Newsday really does have all we need.

Women: Cleanup with Newsday. Call us at 516-843-3000. That’s 516-843-3000.

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Nuetrogena Wave

Announcer: Wave hello to the new Neutrogena Wave. (buzzing sound of the device is heard) The vibrating cleanser that's going to shake up the way you wash your face.

Girl: I've used a lot of cleansers but I never tried anything like the wave!

Announcer: Just attach a pad, add some water, and turn it on. Gentle vibrations help open pores, so cool foam can clean 10 times deeper than traditional cleansing.

Girl: My skin looks softer right away. Even my friends noticed!

Announcer: Wave Hello to the new Neutrogena Wave Power Cleanser. Another buzzworthy example of why Neutrogena is recommended most by dermatologists.

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Office Solutions

Guy: (answering phone) Office Solutions!
Girl: (sighs in frustration and a bit sniffly) Are you an Acme sealer?
Guy: Yes Ma’am, we sell and service Acme’s full line of office equipment.
Girl: H-how can I be sure of that?
Guy: Sure of what?
Girl: you say you’re an Acme dealer, but the last Acme dealer I had just let me and I-I can’t help wondering if it was me (sobs and sniffles).
Guy: Pull yourself together, ma’am. It’s not you. A lot of dealers are selling out to other printer manufacturers.
Girl: But where does that leave me and my Acme?
Guy: It’s not about you, it’s about their shareholders.
Girl: That’s what my husband said when he left me. You’re not going to leave me are you?
Guy: Ma’am, we have been in business for 32 years, because we put our customers first.
Girl: Are you married?

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Palpatine is revealed as the Sith Lord

Anakin: Chancellor,
we have just received a report from Master Kenobi.
He has engaged General Grievous.

Palpatine: We can only hope that Master Kenobi is up to the challenge.

Anakin: I should be there with him.

Palpatine: It’s upseting to me that the council doesn’t seem to fully apprciate your talents. Don’t you wonder why they won’t make you a Jedi Master?

Anakin: I wish I knew. More and more I get the feeling that I’m being excluded from the council. I know there are things about the force that they’re not telling me.

Palpatine: They don’t trust you Anakin. They see your future. They know your power will be too strong to control. You must break through the fog of lies the Jedi have created around you. Let me help you to know the subtleties of the force.

Anakin: How do you know the ways of the force?

Palpatine: My mentor tought me everything about the force - even the nature of the dark side.

Anakin: You know the dark side?!

Palpatine: Anakin, if one is to understand “the great mystery” one must study all it’s aspects, not just the dogmatic narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader, you must embrace a larger view of the force. Be careful of the Jedi Anakin.. only through me can you achieve a power greater than any jedi! Learn to know the dark side of the force and you’ll be able to save your wife from certan death.

Anakin: What did you say?

Palpatine: Use my knowledge, I beg you!

You’re the Sith lord!

Palpatine: I know what’s been troubling you... Listen to me.
Don't continue to be a pawn of the Jedi Council!
Ever since I've known you, you've been searching for a life greater than that of an ordinary Jedi..
a life of significance, of conscience.

Are you going to kill me?

Anakin: I would certainly like to

Palpatine: I know you would. I can feel your anger. It gives you focus, makes you stronger.

Anakin: I am going to turn you over to the Jedi Council.

Palpatine: Of course you should. But you’re not sure of their intentions, are you?

Anakin: I will quickly discover the truth of all this.

Palpatine: You have great wisdom, Anakin. Know the power of the dark side. The power to save Padme.

Contributed by JavierSvoice 06/17/2012

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Pinky and the Brain

Gee Brain,
What do you want to do tonight?

The same thing we do every night Pinky.
Try to take over the world.

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Pizza Delivery Scene from Home Alone

Pizza Delivery Scene from Home Alone
Johnny has a tough guy gangster voice. Delivery guy is an 18 year old kid.
Scene Starts with delivery guy pulling up to house (car sound) and walking up to door.
Guy knocks on door.

Johnny: Who is it ?

Del. Guy: Its Little Nero's Sir. I have your pizza.

Johnny : Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.

Del. Guy: OK, Um well what about the money?

Johnny: What money?

Del. Guy: Well you have to pay for the pizza sir!

Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya?

Del. Guy: Um that'll be eleven eighty, sir

Johnny: Keep the change ya filthy animal.

Del. Guy: twelve bucks ! Cheapskate!

Johnny: Hey, I’m gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your, ugly, yella, no good keester off my property, before I pump your guts fulla lead. 1-2-10 (Machine gun fires, with Johnny laughing maniacally, as delivery guy runs away to his car and speeds off)

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Pizza Hut

Delivery: Pizza Hut delivery.

Wmn: Did you bring the bat and ball set?

Delivery: Yep.

Man: Great ... let’s choose up sides.

Anncr: Now that Pizza Hut delivers colorful soft foam autograph bat and ball sets, everyone’s getting into the game.

Wmn: I’ll take Sam, the elevator guy.

Man: I’ll take Ollie from the mailroom.

Wmn: Mrs. Byrne from office services.

Anncr: They feature some of your favorite Major League players, like Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson, Mike Piazza, and Greg Maddux.

Man: I’ll take Gus, you know, that guy who moves furniture.

Wmn: Hey, wait a second. He doesn’t work here.

Man: He does today.

Wmn: Fine. Then I get Emma Glinsmann from bookkeeping.

Man: The, uh, All-County Women’s Baseball MVP for three years running?

Wmn: (Sarcastic) Terrific.

Anncr: They’re so much fun, they’ll have you runnin’ the bases in no time. Get ‘em delivered or in store for $5.99 with any pizza purchase.

Wmn: Shhh, the boss is coming.

Boss: (Authoritative) Excuse me people, but what are you doing?

Man: (Nervously) Uh, we’re, uh, choosin’ up sides for a, uh, friendly game of office, uh, baseball, sir.

Boss: Not on my time, you’re not.

Man: You can play on my team, sir ...

Boss: Play ball!

Wmn: (Under her breath) Brown noser.

Anncr: PIZZA HUT. Make it great!

Boss: Wow, these bats sure pack a wallop.

Wmn: It’s all in your swing, sir.

Man: Brown noser.

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Pms Escape

Husband: Hi, honey. Picked up the dry cleaning.

Wife: Thanks.

Hus: And, I picked these up for you at the jewelers.

Wife: (Surprised, catches her breath) Oh! Sapphires.

Hus: Yea. Oh, and I stopped by your mother’s to bring her some flowers. Just before I did the grocery shopping. I got –

Wife: (Excitedly, finishing his sentence) -- ice cream?

Hus: (Proudly) Vanilla.

Wife: (Boiling over) You know I like chocolate chocolate chunk!

Hus: You no-good...selfish...insensitive...

Female Ancr: (in understanding tone) There’s an all too common opinion about

PMS. Simply, it’s an excuse for women to over-react. (SFX: Crash) Trust instead the opinions of those who know all too well the reality of PMS -- but manage it with PMS Escape. Cycle after cycle, thousands of women rely on PMS Escape – a clinically tested, fat-free dietary supplement formulated to manage the mood and appetite disturbances of PMS.

Hus: (Hopeful) Hey honey...I was thinking you and me getting away...maybe visiting the family...

Wife: Probably your family...right? We never visit my family.

Female Ancr: So, you can manage to be around everyone else. PMS ESCAPE. Freedom from the emotional and appetite disturbances of PMS. Available at most leading pharmacies. Or call, 1-800-PMS-6369.

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Richard Nixon: A Fantasy

Winchell: Our story begins on June 17th, 1972. A band of trained political saboteurs, the feared plumbers squad, entered Presidential Campaign Headquarters at the Watergate hotel. Seven men were arrested, however, one escaped.

Nixon: Pat! Pat! Lock the door!

Winchell: Feeling trapped in desperate betrayal on all sides, Nixon needed help, so on a grey Tuesday morning the Presidential limousine arrived at a fortress family like compound on Long Island, where a secret meeting was to take place.

Brando: Why didn’t you come to see me before? If you had come to see me before, the scum, the scum that devastated your daughter.... you wouldn’t be suffering this very day.

Nixon: You don’t understand, Godfather, my daughter is fine. I’m the one who’s suffering.

Brando: Then why did you come to see me, huh? What service may I do for you?

Nixon: I have to get out of the Watergate mess, quickly, so quickly you wouldn’t believe it.

Brando: Do you want justice?

Nixon: Not necessarily.....

Winchell: Nixon was now called before a federal grand jury to answer some questions. Entering the court room Richard Nixon was himself bugged by one reporter he did not want to talk to.

Cosell: This is Howard Cosell reporting. Mr. Nixon just a few words, please! You’ve been counted out before in ‘60 and ‘62... but you’ve always managed to resuscitate yourself. And now you face a most serious crisis. Probably the most serious crisis in the history of your career.

Nixon: Go away, Howard! Go away!

Cosell: Ladies and gentlemen, the word: Impeachment, the man: Richard Milhouse Nixon!

Nixon: The word: OBNOXIOUS!, the man: Howard Cosell!

Cosell: Well, fans, you’ve heard the spunk left in this game fighter. He’s entering the court room, now, back to the action.

Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! Silence! Or I’ll clear the room! Bailiff! Call the next witness!

Bailiff: Richard Nixon please take the stand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? Well?

Nixon: I’m thinking....

Judge: Mr. Perry Mason, please begin the cross examination.

Burr: Mr. Nixon, isn’t it true that you ordered the Watergate bugging?

Nixon: I went to China, I went to Russia..... I wasn’t in town....

Burr: Isn’t it true, Mr. Nixon, that you not only ordered but planned and participated in the Watergate bugging?

Nixon: I am not now, nor have I ever been, mechanically inclined!

Burr: Isn’t it true, Mr. Nixon hat you hate Democrats? Isn’t it true that you’ve always hated Democrats? Isn’t it true that as a young girl, your wife Pat, was bothered by a democrat.... who attempted to force her to change her voters registration in the back seat of a buick? Isn’t it true, Mr. Nixon? Isn’t it true?

Nixon: All right I’ll admit it! I’ll tell everything! Just get these damn jowls off my head! It’s true, I did it! I had to do it. I’d do it again! I had to stop the Democrats! They’re all a bunch of pinkos! Muskie was a Democrat, he didn’t know that! So was McGovern and Joe Stalin, too! (Shifts to Bogart in “Mutiny on the Bounty”)They plotted against me! They fought me at every turn! I tried to reason with them, but they wouldn’t listen to me! They had the keys to the food locker and strawberries! All my staff! Ehrlichman! Haldeman! Dean! Ah, Dean! Dean had more than HIS share of strawberries, he had cool whip on top of them! I knew it! I tried to fight them, but the wouldn’t listen to me!

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Riddle

RIDDLE (a Parody on Sherlock Holmes)
Frank Muir & Denis Norden

….....After a moment of restless pacing he suddenly said, “I have just been given tea by Her Majesty's Foreign Secretary-”
'Earl Grey?'
'No,' he said . 'A fairly ordinary Darjeeling. Grown, I rather fancy, on that South-facing hill just above the handbag factory. He gave me very worrying news.'
Holmes paced the room again. The cat was sitting asleep on his chair an Holmes bent to tickle it behind an ear.
'Watson, my violin if you please.'
I handed it to him and with a forehand drive worthy of the great Dr. Grace himself, he batted the cat out of the chair and onto the floor. He settled himself comfortably into the chair.
' I am informed, Watson, that there is in this country an important Balkan Princeling, here under the protection of her Britannic Majesty. He has travelled from his own squalid little country to Britain in order to undergo an operation at which our British Surgeons lead the world. The removal of an ingrowing toe-nail.'
'Just so. What we medical men call a “Piggyectomy”.'
'Would you mind shutting up while I'm talking.'
I nodded assent.

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Sahara Casino

Bob: I’ve been waiting for Barb to get in the mood...seems like 30 years now! That’s one helluva dry spell, let me tell ya.

Jerry: Why don’t you just give her a little TLC - talk her into a weekend of rollin’ at the Sahara?

Bob: TLC? I’m Totally Lost and Confused! Rollin’? What you talkin’ about, Jerry?

Jerry: At our age, what other kind of rollin’ is there? And at the Sahara, my Jenny’s the best roller this side of the Mississippi, FYI!

Bob: FYI? You’n yer damn ackermins. You mean Jen’s been rollin’ ya?

Jerry: Huh! Craps’s the only rollin’ she’s done since she turned sixty nine. (laughs) LOL, Bob!

Bob: What the hell is LOL?

ANNOUNCER: (stage whisper: “Laughing out loud, Bob!”) The Sahara Casino, the most fun you can have outside your hotel room.

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Sam's Speech - Worth Fighting For

Frodo : I can't do this, Sam.

Sam : I know.
It's all wrong
By rights we shouldn't even be here.
But we are.
It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo.
The ones that really mattered.
Full of darkness and danger they were,
and sometimes you didn't want to know the end.
Because how could the end be happy.
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened.
But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass.
A new day will come.
And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something.
Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

Contributed by Richurd

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SanDiego.org

San Diego "Happiness Calling"
Happiness (male or female) Not smokey, rough or overtly nasal. larger than life but still earnest.Authentic.
Erin nice, regular gal caught off guard. good understanding of comedic timing.
Anncr: Male or Female Warm, friendly smile to voice. It's anncr role, but still
want approachable, non salesy tone. Conversational.
Anncr 2: Knowledgeable, smooth, not as fast as disclaimer, but friendly upbeat, faster pace

Erin Hello?
Happiness Hi!
Erin: Uh, hey how's it going?
Happiness: Oh, it's going like rainbow sprinkles in the boudoir.
Erin: Wait, what?
Happiness I said rainbow sprinkles in the...
Erin I'm sorry, who is this?
Happiness It's me, happiness..
Erin: Happiness?
sfx harp sounds, birds tweet, waves crash...
Happiness: Happiness!
Erik: Are you serious?
Happiness: No, never...hey, aren't puppies the best?
Erin : Yea, they're cool...
Happiness: And roller coasters, hanging out with your best friend, and boogie
boarding, boogies a funny word...Oh! And the sun in your face, and sandy bare
feet?
Erin: Yea, those are all pretty awesome.
Happiness: I know Dave, that's why I'm calling you.
Erin: Wait, who's Dave? My name's Erik.
Happiness: Oh geez, whoops. Wrong number. Lalala (Click)
Erin: Hello? Happiness?
Anncr: Happiness is calling.
Answer the call and get your free ringtone at sandiego.org
Annc 2r: Sign up before October 1st and receive a set of three ringtones free, just
for signing up. Some restrictions apply. Go to sandiego.org for details.

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Spotted Owl

VO: If you’ve been to Original Joe’s on Wednesdays for Half-Off Hump Day, we thank you. More importantly, the Canadian Spotted Owl thanks you. With half-priced drafts, we’re printing smaller receipts. When we print smaller receipts, we use less paper. When we use less paper, they cut down fewer trees. And when they cut down fewer trees, the Canadian Spotted Owl has a home. So from Original Joe’s and the Canadian Spotted Owl, we thank you!

OWL: (sound effect) Who.

VO: Them.

OWL: (sound effect) Who.

VO: The..(pause as if not finishing the word “them”. Quickly sigh in frustration) I am not playing this game with you.

VO: Come enjoy half-priced drafts at Half-Off Hump Day every Wednesday at Original Joe’s.

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Star Wars Episode V

Darth Vader: What is thy bidding my master?

Emperor: There is a great disturbance in the force.

Darth Vader: I have felt it.

Emperor: We have a new enemy. The young rebel who destroyed the death star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of anakin skywalker.

Darth Vader: how is that possible?

Emperor: Search your feelings Lord Vader, you will know it to be true. He could destroy us.

Darth Vader: He's just a boy. Obi-wan can no longer help him.

Emperor: The force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a jedi.

Darth Vader: if he could be turned he would become a powerful ally.

Emperor: Yes. yes. he would be a great asset. can it be done?

Darth Vader: He will join us or die, master.

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Star Wars: Luke meets Yoda

LUKE: Look, I'm sure it's delicious. I just don't understand why we can't see Yoda now.

CREATURE: Patience! For the Jedi it is time to eat as well. Eat, eat. Hot. Good food, hm? Good, hmm?

LUKE: How far away is Yoda? Will it take us long to get there?

CREATURE: Not far. Yoda not far. Patience. Soon you will be with him. (tasting food from the pot) Rootleaf, I cook. Why wish you become Jedi? Hm?

LUKE: Mostly because of my father, I guess.

CREATURE: Ah, your father. Powerful Jedi was he, powerful Jedi, mmm.

LUKE: (a little angry) Oh, come on. How could you know my father? You don't even know who I am. (fed up) Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here. We're wasting our time.

CREATURE: (irritated) I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.

BEN'S VOICE: He will learn patience.

YODA: Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his father.

BEN'S VOICE: Was I any different when you taught me?

YODA: Hah. He is not ready.

LUKE: Yoda! I am ready. I...Ben! I can be a Jedi. Ben, tell him I'm ready!

YODA: Ready, are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained! A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. (to the invisible Ben, indicating Luke) This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away! To the future! To the horizon! Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. (turning to Luke) You are reckless!

BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you'll remember.

YODA: He is too old. Yes, too old to begin the training.

LUKE: But I've learned so much.

YODA: (sighs) Will he finished what he begins?

LUKE: I won't fail you -- I'm not afraid.

YODA: (turns slowly toward him) Oh, you will be. You will be.

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Star Wars: Palpatine Becomes Darth Sidious

Star Wars: Palpatine becomes Darth Sidious

The scene takes place after Darth Sidious (Palpatine) along with Anakin kills Mace Windu
( Samuel L. Jackson)

Anakin: What have I done ????

Darth Sidious: Your fufilling your destiny... Anakin. Become My Apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the force.

Anakin: I will do what you...you ask

Darth Sidious: Gooood !!!!

Anakin: Just help me save Padmae's life.... I cant live without her.

Darth Sidious: To cheat death is the power only one has achieved. But if we work together.....I know we can discover the secret.

Anakin: I pledge myself to your teachings.

Darth Sidious: Gooood ! ....yes... The force is Strong with you. A powerful sith you will become Hence forth you shall be known as Darth ...Vader.

Anakin: Thank you .....my Master.

Darth Sidious: Once more the sith's will rule the galaxy !!!!!!

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Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Han Solo: Ben!

Kylo Ren: Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time.

Han Solo: Take off that mask. You don't need it.

Kylo Ren: What do you think you'll see if I do?

Han Solo: The face of my son.

Kylo Ren: Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him.

Han Solo: That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive.

Kylo Ren: No. The Supreme Leader is wise.

Han Solo: Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true.

Kylo Ren: It's too late.

Han Solo: No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.
Kylo Ren: I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?

Han Solo: Yes. Anything.

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Stop & Shop

Man: Ready? We’re off!

Woman: Oh no...I forgot to pack snacks for the kids.

Man: Okay...now we’re really off!

Woman: Oh! Honey. I forgot to get flowers for Grandma. Can’t get there empty-handed.

Anncr: With almost 200 Stop & Shop locations, throughout southern New England, chances are there’s always a Stop & Shop near you. Same great store wherever you go. So don’t worry. You can always Stop & Shop. Because for the best quality and great prices, nothing beats Stop & Shop. It’s that simple.

Man: Weee’re ooooff!

Boy: Dad? You forgot Mom! (Pause) Dad? Dad?

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Sudafed Cold & Sinus

Mom: Moms aren’t supposed to get colds. Right! So, I take a cold medicine that’s supposed to make me feel better. Right! It wiped me out. I feel worse.

Anncr: Now ... cold relief with the power to make you feel better, not worse. New Sudafed Cold & Sinus. Cold relief so strong, you’d think it’d wipe you out ... But it’s Sudafed, so it’ll soothe your body and head aches ... and go all the way to relieve sinus pressure ...without any drowsy side effects.

Mom: And we need me better ... not worse.

Kids: Right! (Giggle)

Anncr: With new SUDAFED COLD & SINUS ... feel better, not worse.

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Taco Bell

Friend 1: Hey, I got you one of those new Cantinas Tacos from Taco Bell.

Friend 2: Thanks man. Oh, hey what's with the lime?

Lime: I see my name precedes me. Do not be alarmed by my presence in your Taco Bell Cantina Taco.
It is true ..I am the lime.
And within this corn tortilla lies a world all of it's own.
It is the VIP room of authentic flavor.

Friend 2: Looking pretty tasty.

Lime: Brace yourself, my friend for inside you will be greeted by marinated steak, diced onions and fresh cilantro.
And it is my pleasure ..no..no, my duty...to introduce worthy guests such as yourself to such flavors..because I AM THE LIME !
And I connect the fabulous with the fabulous.
It is well understood that...ohhhh....you are squeezing...I thought we could talk more,but...I see you got the idea..!
It is our finest taco ever. The new Cantina Taco from Taco Bell - think outside the bun.

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Taco Bell

Interviewer: So you’re applying for the job of teacher?

Burrito: That is correct.

Interviewer: Now we are an equal opportunity employer, but I have to be honest, you are a burrito.

Burrito: Actually, I’m a Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell.

Interviewer: Uh huh, fine. Well, now that I’ve straightened that out, do you have any qualifications?

Burrito: Well, I am cheesy and saucy.

Interviewer: (pause) That’s not exactly what I am looking for.

Burrito: I’m everything you love about a savory, chickeny enchilada, neatly wrapped in a grilled flour tortilla. See how snug that is? Now that holds in the flavor.

Interviewer: Let me make this easy for you. Do you have any teaching experience, whatsoever?

Burrito: Mmmmmmmmmmmm. No.

Interviewer: Okay, that’s a wrinkle.

Burrito: But everybody loves me!

Interviewer: Uh huh.

Burrito: And I can make them more fuller.

Interviewer: See, now that’s not even proper English.

Burrito: Did I mention I am cheesy and saucy?

SFX: BONG!

Anncr: Slow-simmered savory enchilada sauce, all white meat chicken, and melted cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla and grilled to go. The Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell. For the great taste of chicken enchiladas, think outside the bun.

For a limited time at participating locations. All white meat chicken available in the US only.

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Tci College Of Technology

Student (Burtrue): “ At TCI, I’m getting my degree in electronics engineering – in only 18 months!”

Announcer (Kristin): TCI College of Technology has been training students for exciting new careers since…

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TELEVISION SCRIPT - Tootsie Roll Pop - 1970s

One of my favorite commercials growing up. Enjoy!

------------------

BOY: Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

MR TURTLE: I never made it without biting... ask Mr. Owl.

BOY: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

MR OWL: Let's find out... One.. Two...Three

*CRUNCH NOISE*

MR OWL: Three

ANNOUNCER: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

*CRUNCH NOISE*

ANNOUNCER: The world may never know.

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Testimonials

Here’s what others say about I CAN DO ALL THINGS:

I LOVE this program! As an educator, I see this as cutting-edge teaching! In a world where our children are constantly influenced by negative media, every school should incorporate this life-empowering, success-driven curriculum

“No parent or school on the planet will want to be without this! ”

“FINALLY! a FUN learning tool to help support our family and teachers with lessons touching on morals, discipline, respect, compassion and just plain ole kindness. I LOVE THIS!”

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The Big Lebowski

Dude: Hey Man

The Stranger: How do you do Dude?

Dude: I wondered if I’d see you again.

The Stranger: I wouldn’t miss the semi’s. How’s it be going?

Dude: Oh, you know, strikes and gutters, ups and downs.

The Stranger: I’m sure I gotcha.

Dude: Yeah. Thanks Gary. Well, take care man gotta get back.

The Stranger: Sure. Take it easy Dude.

Dude: Oh yeah.

The Stranger: I know that you will.

Dude: Yeah, well, the Dude abides.

The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in that.
It’s good knowin he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ her easy for all us sinners.
Sush. I sure hope he makes the finals. Well that about does her. Wraps her all up
Things seem to have worked out pretty good for the Dude and Walter. And it was a pretty good story. Don’tcha think? Made me laugh to beat the band.
Parts anyway.
I didn’t like seein’ Donny go. But then I happen know that there’s a little Lebowski on the way. I guess that’s how the whole dern human comedy keeps perpetuatin’ itself down through the generations. Westward the wagons across the sands of time until we….
Oh, look at me I’m ramblin’ again. Well I hope you folks enjoyed yourselves. Catch ya later on down the trail. Say friend, you got anymore of that good sasparilla?

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Tongue Twisters

Tongue Twisters
Powerful and persuasive voices require precise pronunciation.
Learn to articulate properly. It is simple and interesting. Tongue twisters are excellent for sharpening enunciation. They make your lips, jaw and tongue exercise and help people understand what you are saying.
Practice these continually. Concentrate on your particular articulation problems.
Tongue Twisters for B, P, M and W
These consonants demand active lips. Say "Boom." Explode that b. Bring those lips down hard, quickly and sharply for B, P, M. For the W, pucker the lips.
For B: A big black bug bit a big black bear, made a big black bear bleed.
For P: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where is the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
For M: Military malarkey makes monstrous madmen into maligned martyrs.
For W:If a woodchuck would chuck wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Th (thing) and TH (that)
Touch the tip of the tongue to the rim of the upper teeth. The tongue tip should protrude ever so slightly.
For Th: Theophilus Thistle, the thistle sifter, sifted a sieve of unsifted thistles. If Theophilus the thistle sifter sifted a sieve of unsifted thistles, where is the sieve of sifted thistles Theophilus the thistle sifter sifted?
For TH: What dost thou think of those that go thither?
S, Z and WH
These sounds require coordination. To pronounce S you raise your tongue, groove it and arch it toward the hard palate. Force the breath through the narrow fissure between your teeth. The same for the Z – except it is vocalized.
For Sh and Zh the fissure is broader. For Wh purse the lips as you blow through the opening.
For S: The sixth sick sheik's sheep's sick.
Suzy Schell sells sea shells on the seashore.
For Z: Moses supposes his toes are roses, but Moses supposes amiss. For Moses knows his toes aren't roses as Moses supposes.
For WH: What whim led Whitey White to whittle near a wharf where a whale might wheel and whirl?
T, D, N, L and R
A lazy tongue will get you in trouble with these twisters. The first four of these consonants are made alike. On the first two, your tongue should snap as a whip. The tip of your tongue should touch the hard palate just above the upper teeth.
On the R, the tongue arches itself along the roof of the mouth without touching it.
For T: Thomas Tattertoot took taut twine to tie ten twigs to two tall trees.
For D: Double-bubble gum bubbles double. Dud double-bubble gum doesn't bubble double.
For N: A snifter of snuff is enough snuff for a sniff for the snuff-sniffer.
For L: Likable Lillian loves lovely luminous aluminum linoleum.
For R: Around the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
F and V
Both F and V are formed by pressing the upper teeth lightly on the lower inside lip. The word fife is an example.
F is unvocalized and the breath is merely allowed to escape. But V is vocalized.
For F: I never felt felt feel flat like that felt felt.
For V: Vern Verve is well versed in very wordy verb verse.
H, K, NG, SK and Q

H is simply made by breathing out through the mouth.
K requires the back of the tongue to touch the soft palate. The breath is then released sharply. G is the vocalized form of this sound.
When sounding NG (sing), arch the tongue, but force the voice through the nasal passage.
For H: Harry Hugh hid the heel behind the high hill. If Harry Hugh hid the heel behind the high hill, where is the heel Harry Hugh hid?
For K: Cass Cash can catch a check casher to cash his uncashed check.
For NG: The ringing, swinging, singing singers sang winning songs.
For SK: Ask an Alaskan skier to ski askew his skis.
For Q: Quigley Quagmire requested sequentially created quite quick quality crackers.

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Two Towers Sam and Frodo

FRODO
I can’t do this, Sam.
SAM
I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here.
SAM stumbles to his feet and leans against a wall.
But we are.

It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo.
The ones that really mattered.
Full of darkness and danger they were.
And sometimes you didn’t want to know
the end.
Because how could the end be happy?

How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass. A new day will come.
And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed
with you, that meant something.

Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
They kept going because they were holding on to something.

FRODO
What are we holding on to, Sam?

SAM
There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo.
And it’s worth fighting for.

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Underage Drinking

Mom: Careful at the party, hon. No alcohol, right?

Girl: I know mom.

Mom: Seriously, you're still growing, and it messes with your judgment.

Girl: Yeah, I know.

Mom: Trust me. You could do some things you don't really wanna do. If you're a grown woman its different, but you're not.

Girl: I know, ok? I know.

Announcer: Teenagers know everything. So talk about underage drinking before they know it all. Before they're teens. So start talking, before they start drinking.

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Verizon Wireless Mobile Phone

1st person: Okay, sales are lagging, so let’s call twenty clients today, now here’s the plan.

2nd person: OK.

1st person: You call half and I’ll call half.

2nd person: Oh. I can’t take half.

1st person: What do you mean you can’t take half?

2nd person: Oh. I can’t. You see...I bought a new digital wireless phone from one of those PCS companies, and it only works in a couple of places.

1st person: What!

2nd person: Yeah, but by the end of the summer they said I should be able to call from almost anywhere.

1st person: What about from the highway?

2nd person: Oh, that depends.

1st person: On what?

2nd person: Is it spring of ‘2003 yet?

Announcer: Don’t get stuck with a digital wireless phone that doesn’t work everywhere. Use Verizon Wireless mobile digital choice service. We go further, so your phone can too. For wireless service that you can depend on, call Verizon Wireless.

1st person: So, it looks like I’m making all twenty calls.

2nd person: Well, what do you want me to do?

1st person: Call Verizon Wireless at 1-800-255 BELL.

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Washington Mutual

Banker: Hello, and welcome to First Universal Federal Bilk, I mean bank.

Customer: Yes, I'd like to close my checking account

Banker: Well, let's take a look. Oh, you have our interest checking. What seems to be the problem?

Customer: I earned two cents last month.

Banker: Well, too bad.

Customer: I want more.

Banker: Well, baby can't have dessert until he eats his vegetables

Customer: What?

Banker: Maybe you should lock up your money in one of our CDs

Customer: No, I want interest, but I still wanna spend my money

Banker: Well, you know I wish I could fly. I wish clouds were made of ice cream. I wish I didn't have issues with my mother. I wish...

Customer: Just give me my money....please!

Announcer: Make your money work harder with Washington Mutual's Platinum Checking Account. It offers one of the best interest rates around and unlimited access to your money. To open your Platinum account, visit any Washington Mutual Financial center today.

Banker: I wish chocolate didn't go straight to my hips. I wish Fluffy hadn't run away.

Announcer: Washington Mutual. More human interest. Restrictions apply. Ask for details. FDIC insured.

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